It's time you knew.

My story

Hey guys... 

Long time no see. 

I know i've been gone for awhile. Something came up and I think it's time you knew. 

You probably already know that I'm depressed. Or maybe you forgot because I usually only talk about the happy things in my life. But, even though I seem happy, I'm not always all sunshine and rainbows. In order for you to understand what I'm going through, I want to go back to when it began. When things started changing. 

I was about 9 years old when I got the stomach aches. My mom thought I was allergic to something or it was my period. (Keep in mind, I'm 9. Why would it be my period?) She paid almost no attention to it. Not until it started happening every day before school of before leaving the house. 

I would scream "NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO!" Or "NO! DON'T MAKE ME! I DON'T FEEL GOOD!" before school or even before going somewhere fun. my mom started getting concerned for me. She made me see the school counselor and stuff. And it helped for awhile. I went from 4th-6th grade. 

I stopped complaining about the stomach aches for awhile but my mom, being the worried woman she is, signed me up for extra therapy outside of school in 5th grade. I didn't fully understand and my mom said it was anxiety. I didn't know what it was at the time so I thought it was nothing. And I was totally fine for awhile. I kept going to counseling in school which is probably why. But, in 7th grade, when I switched schools, I noticed that the stomach aches were coming back and I was feeling more sad than usual. But I kept it inside. 

I eventually noticed that I was thinking about hurting myself and suicide more and more often. I noticed that I was too sad to do things most days. I eventually decided to tell one of my friends from my old school who tried to tell me that I was fine. That just annoyed me even more and I stopped talking to her for a few months. 

I don't know what she did but she must have told my mom or something because a week later my mom sits me down to talk. It kinda annoyed me because all she did was make me stay at her house more so now I only go to my dad's house every other weekend and when my mom is working. I kinda like it but also hate it. My mom also wanted me to see a therapist but she must have forgotten. That's the thing. My mom ignores it now. Everyone does. And it got to the point where I broke apart a pencil sharpener and took the blade. 

Yeah. I've used it. 

I also figured out that snapping rubber bands on your arm is another way. It just doesn't leave a scar. I do it during class a lot. I try and keep myself from using the blades but it's hard. I try and tell myself that people care. That I can get help. But I can't. Sometimes I stop eating. I used to eat a lot. But now, I usually don't eat much during the day. I lost 20 pounds over the course of five months. I was obsessed wit staying fit and working out in track and PE. I still am. I've been trying to eat more but I feel sick whenever I try. So it's hard. 

Everything is so hard now. I had really good grades in the beginning of the year and they're just going down now. I'm not proud but It's just too hard. My teacher will assign homework and I won't do it. I have at least 125 points of missing work in science last I checked. Somehow my parents don't know. 

I get bullied. I get bullied for my depression, for being too thin, for being bi, for anxiety. I can't take it anymore. They think they're cool. But if I die, they're basically murderers. 

Guys, I can't do this anymore. I need help. I can't go on like this.