This Just In!

[Curtain opens on an eccentric news station complete with cheesy music. On the other half of the stage is a snow hill with someone stuck in the bottom. REPORTER 1, a female with a large smile, and REPORTER 2, a male who has obviously taken too much botox, stare at the camera.]

REPORTER 1. This just in! There is nothing in the world more important to broadcast right now, so per usual, we have some news that literally doesn't affect anyone and is otherwise unimportant. A grown adult has broke themselves and fallen into a pile of snow!

REPORTER 2. Yes, this is one hundred percent true. A friend of theirs is also trying to sled over them because they want to know how it feels to be sled on top of with several pounds of snow on their back.

REPORTER 1. Only minor injuries have been reported. Oh--this just in! The sheep have started to eat them alive. But they are expected to be fine--this just in! An avalanche has started, caused by the Sheep Queen!

REPORTER 2. The Sheep Queen is trying to punish her peasant sheep for not saving the human's liver for her. As it turns out, the humans might have some moderate injuries that--this just in! We have a witness. Say hello, John.

[WITNESS steps onstage in front of the pile of snow. There is a dramatically long pause.]

WITNESS. Good evening, I am here at the site of the avalanche. We now have a war between the peasants and the Sheep Queen. The Unicorn Princess has joined to aid the sheep with snowboards.

REPORTER 2. Yes, because logic.

REPORTER 1. Thank you, John. Keep us updated on--this just in! THERE'S A DRAGON THAT HAS TAKEN THE REMAINS OF THE HUMANS HOSTAGE!!!

REPORTER 2. The humans are expected to survive with little to no injuries.

REPORTER 1. I'm sure the dragon will cause no harm to--this just in! The humans have been dropped and broke themselves. They should survive with moderate injuries, nothing that a Band-Aid couldn't fix.

REPORTER 2. Yes. We will keep you updated on this story. This is Channel Zero News, signing off!