Love Me Back

two

trigger warning: suicide, self harm, sexual actions, eating disorder

god had to be real. i've grown up my whole life going to church, reading bible passages. my parents using the Lord's words as the truth, as their opinion. 'gays are sinners!' was the one they always said, for there had been an uprising of lgbt+ speaking their opinion, trying to change the laws. the topic made me extremely uncomfortable. i knew that i should think that gays are sinners, for my whole family did, but i just couldn't. i couldn't hate them. 'i'm straight, why can't i hate them?' i always asked myself. am i straight?

||-//

"tyler, eat your dinner," my mom ordered, noticing me push it around with my fork instead of forcing the food in my mouth.

i just couldn't do it. i looked at the ancho seasoned chicken breast, the tortilla chips next to salsa and guacamole, the mash potatoes, and they stared back. i felt sick to my stomach just thinking of putting it in my mouth. just the feeling of me chewing made me disgusted, the feeling of the mushy food going down my throat made me gag. the thought that it would stay in my digestive system and cause me to gain weight. gaining was was a fear of mine. not just a fear, a phobia.

i grasped the silver fork and knife, and cut a small piece of the chicken, and with my shaky hand i forced into my mouth. squeezing my eyes, trying to not taste it or think about it, i chewed it 30 times. i have done that for years. if i didn't chew it  exactly 30 times, i would have to spit it out and get a new piece and try again. the psychiatrists think i had a form of OCD. OCD, anxiety, depression. too much to handle. too many pills.

my mom has noticed me deep into thought. "tyler, you've barely touched it. what are you doing?"

i snapped out of my mind and looked across the table into her eyes. she was looking at me like i was insane.

"fine. i don't care. you can leave." she said, with her teeth closed, seeming to be a growling dog.

i hurried and dumped my food in the trash, feeling bad about wasting it, then trudged upstairs. i was hit with a wave of exhaustion, and felt like i was gonna pass out. i stumbled to my room and fell to my bed. staring at my ceiling, i started getting instructive thoughts. part of my OCD. the first one that popped into my head was of me in my bathtub filled with hot water, door locked, me laying inside with blood gushing from my wrists. i saw the water turn red and went limp. 

i stares at my plain white ceiling the whole time imagining that nightmare. i closed my eyes trying to get rid of that horrid thought, it didn't go away. then another thought came. i was at Josh Dun's house. we were there alone  we were sitting on his bed and somehow we removed our clothing, and started doing it. we all know what "it" is.

my cheeks flushed red, and i realized my eyes were closed. it wouldn't get out of my head. i tried thinking of something else, anything else. but it stayed. i then came to the terms that i enjoyed the thought of us. 'but tyler you're straight!'

then i knew, i wasn't.

||-//

"hi josh!" i yelled, waving at him from across the school hallway. he grinned his teethy grin and ran to me.

"hi ty!" ty. i like that. "how are you?" he excitedly asked.

i smiled, then it faded. "i could be better, in really found through it." i shrugged.

he slightly frowned, a concerned look. "i'm so sorry, ty, what's wrong?"

i could feel my eyes start to tear up. whenever someone asked me "what's wrong", i always broke. then a salty tear rolled down my cheek and clung to my chin.

josh saw that, and brought me into a tight, warm hug. the bell rang to go to class, but we just continued to embrace each other in the hallway. we hugged for what seemed to be years and years, but in reality it was only 30 seconds. then the intrusive thought of me and him popped up in my head. i could feel my cheeks turn red, and my body feel warm. i looked down at my black, dirty converse and tried to get the thought out of my head. josh looked confused at why i wouldn't look him in the eye.

"i- i, we should go to class." i exclaimed, louder than i meant to. i could feel him frown and felt guilty. i wished the thought would go away. 'am i really gay? do i have a crush on josh? or is
this some weird fantasy?''

the thoughts racing through my head exhausted me, and i felt weak. i tried to walk to class, but i couldn't walk straight. it looked like i was drunk. the whole class period, i wondered if the intrusive thought had been in me all along, and wasn't just some random impulse. i wondered if i really did have feelings for josh. but i knew he was straight. he was a christian, he's had girlfriends in the past. 'why do i have
to feel this way'.

||-//

as i walked out of 6th period, josh stopped me. "tyler, do you wanna come over?"

my heart skipped a beat. "u-um yeah!" i replied.

he smiled his mesmerizing smile, which made me forget about everything for a second. "sick! i'll meet you there!"

i followed him to his house, which was in the same neighborhood as mine. it was unnaturally clean and smelled like vanilla scented candles. it was surprisingly comforting.

"cmon, let's go to my room and play mario kart!" he knew that i loved that game. i smiled agreeing.

"last one up there is a rotten egg!" he jokingly yelled, suddenly sprinting up the stairs to his room.

i chased after him, but it was too late. i guess i was the rotten egg.

"well, shoot!" i pretended to be angry that i was a rotten egg.

he smirked, and handed me a controller. "i call yoshi!" he exclaimed.

i sighed, "fine... but i'll beat your ass in this round!" we both chuckled.

i'll beat your ass