Hurt

Chapter 8

Flashback of the day Toni made her biggest mistake

To say that Toni went from bad to worse would be an understatement. In just a few short weeks she had undone all the progress she'd made with Cheryl. It started off small. Whenever Toni would wash the dishes, she would submerge her hands in the scalding water, biting down on her lip until the pain got too much. From there she moved on to taking too hot or too cold showers, either burning herself or making herself throw up from the cold. From there she started cutting again. Cheryl would come home from work and spot the blood stains on her clothes, or catch her wincing when Cheryl hugged her.

"Babe, again?" Cheryl asked, an exasperated sigh leaving her lips. She rolled up Toni's sleeve and examined the fresh cuts. "These look deep." She said, cleaning off the fresh and dried blood with an antiseptic wipe. She expected Toni to wince but the brunette didn't react.

"I'm sorry." Toni said, finally. "I'm... I'm struggling."

"I know, baby. And I'm doing my best to help you." Cheryl said, tears springing to her eyes.

"You're doing great, Cher'." Toni said. "You really are. It's just..."

"Not enough?"

"No, that's not what I meant." Toni said, closing her eyes as her head began clouding again. "I can't explain it. I don't know how to explain it."

She hates you.

"It's okay." Cheryl said, her heart breaking at the sight of Toni in such inner distress. "We'll think of something."

Over the next few weeks Toni got even worse. She wasn't waking Cheryl up in the middle of the night anymore because she wasn't sleeping. She would lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, tears snaking from the corners of her eyes. When the shouting in her head got too much she would slip out of Cheryl's arms and head for the living room where she would drink whatever alcohol she could find. Cheryl would find her in her morning, passed out with an empty bottle on the ground. Sometimes she'd have new cuts, sometimes she wouldn't.

"Where are you going?" Cheryl asked, sleepily one night. Having woken up when Toni left her arms.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"Just... Just the living room. Can't sleep." Toni said, shaking the voice from her head.

She hates you.

"Come back to bed. We can stay up and talk." Cheryl said, patting the empty space beside her.

"Cheryl you're exhausted. Go back to sleep, I'll be okay." Toni said, bending and kissing Cheryl on the forehead. Cheryl's hand closed around Toni's arm and she pulled her back on the bed. "Cher'." Toni said, trying to pull her arm from her grasp. "Let go." Images of her dad flashed in her head.

"No. You're not going in there to drink until you black out. We're going to talk about this." Cheryl  said, sitting up, noticing the fear and panic in Toni's eyes. "TT?"

"Please, Cheryl. Let go." Toni said, her breathing erratic. Cheryl released her arm immediately.

"Sorry." Cheryl said, wanting to comfort Toni but not sure how to do it. "Toni, please just sit and talk to me." Toni's breathing had relaxed. "I'm scared, TT."

"Of what?" Toni said, sounding defeated as she moved back to lie beside Cheryl.

"Losing you. I feel like you were making such good progress and then you just spiralled." Cheryl said, taking Toni's hand as they lay facing each other. "Is it because of something I did?" She whispered, tears in her eyes.