It has been six months since Swae and I last spoke to each other. I haven't really left my house since then either. My friends have come over a lot, trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't help. I have been to the doctor, and they told me I have a severe case of extremely clinical depression. I haven't eaten anything besides ice cream and french fries this month.
I woke up in the middle of the night, shocked by a loud clap of thunder. It was raining hard outside. It was so dark that I could hardly see out of my window. I looked closer, and I realized that there was something covering my view. It was a black car. That's when I looked closer. That's not just any black car, it's THE black car. HIS. Black. Car.
Swae walked out of the car, and came up to my door. I heard the doorbell ring, but I stayed in my bed. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. How can he come to my house after what he did to me? He rang again, and then I got up. When I answered the door, he walked in past me.
"Who told you you could come in?" I asked bitterly. He answered smoothly, unaffected.
"You did. Tessa called me going off about how you haven't left the house, and she messaged you for me. I'm fucking worried about you, okay?" He crossed the room back to me, reaching out as if to establish a connection he had already lost. Like bad wifi.
"So, first you cheated on me, and now you're using my friends? What is wrong with you?" I instantly broke down into tears, falling into his arms. His warm grasp. All the pain and emotion I had neglected for so long was finally pouring out. He held me and comforted me. That's when it hit me. It took six months to deal with our breakup, because I was so dependent on Swae. I had been going through the motions for so long, living for him, when he wasn't all for me. I stood up and composed myself, wiping my eyes before speaking.
"I can't keep going through the same old issues with you, Khalif. You need to grow up. Until you do, I've got to learn how to be me, without you. Become comfortable with myself. You do you, but keep me out of it. Bye, Swae. I'll always love you, but sometimes I gotta learn when to step back." And with that, I finally let go. Swae nodded, and walked back outside, and got into his car.
It's been two years since that night, and my life has turned all the way around since then. I no longer have depression, I am a model now, I just finished my business degree last month, and my life is much better. My friends and I hang out regularly, and Swae and I are still friends, although we are not together. He and his brother have progressed in their music careers so much, and I am so proud of them. Every now and then, I think back to then, and wonder what life would be like if I had stayed with him, but I like this decision.
I pulled up to the club with my best friends, and we walked in. I talked to some new people, and we had a lot of fun. I looked up to the front of the club, and I saw him looking at me, smiling. I smiled back. I was at peace with our relationship and how it ended, and I could see that he was too. I was glad. If we stay in the past with someone else, you can never reach a future for ourselves.
Roll up, drink it
I do that for mePour up, get itI do that for meThinking how youOnly there for youNever thought 'bout me
I, clean up, no good, shit I did for you, I do that for meI would try to do good by you, you would do bad for meWear my heart on a sleeve, would you do that for me?You wouldn't do that for me, you wouldn't do that so when
Roll up, drink it
I do that for me
Pour up, get it
I do that for me
Thinking how you
Only there for you
Never thought 'bout me
I, go out, turn up, I do that for me
Say less, spend money, I do that for me
You know all this shit I do for you, I did for me
With all this shit I do with you, still, ain't this shit for me
