I may not know when it started, but I always knew it was wrong. I knew telling him would be a mistake, but I thought he deserved to know. I should've thought about it more. Taken his increased volatility into consideration.
I remember the day I told him. He looked so cute with that cat, so gentle. I thought, of all times, this would be the best option. He'd be less likely to beat me up.
I knew he wouldn't accept. There was no hope at all. I wasn't about to try fooling myself into thinking I had a chance. But keeping it a secret felt like I was lying to him.
It took all my courage to tell him, but didn't he deserve to know? Maybe so, but I should have considered if he would want to know.
It's too late now. He knows. He hates me.
He named the cat second son. He named it after me. He looks so happy!
"I have something I need to tell you."
I shouldn't do this. I can still take it back. Tell him a different secret. No, he knows all my other secrets. Make one up? No, I can't lie to him.
"Let's go sit on the bench."
"Of course..."
I sit next to him all the time. I sleep next to him every night. If I tell him, if he reacts badly, that could all end. This could be the last time. I want this to last. Last as long as possible.
"What did you want to tell me, nii-san?"
All good moments end. Alright, I cando this. Just tell him. Just...ruin everything.
No, no, I trust him. It'll be okay. I shouldn't assume he'll react badly. It'll be fine.
"What is it?
Okay, things can stay normal. Maybe this could bring us closer! Hell, maybe he'll appreciate my honesty and help me get over these feelings. Maybe it won't be so bad!
"Yeah. Why?"
Okay, okay, just say it. Shit, he looks nervous. I probably look nervous too. I think I'm going to be sick.
"I..."
Words keep spewing out of my mouth. Why isn't he saying anything? His face is blank, why can't I read him? What's he thinking? What am I thinking? Oh no...
"SHUT. The actual. FUCK. Up.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
"What, are you in love with me?"
Oh, no, please, no...
"That's sick."
I know. I know. I know. Fuck. Oh, god, I'm gonna puke.
"Stay the hell away from me!"
No! I never should have told him! Oh god, this is bad, I've never seen that look on him, that pure hatred.
"Kusomatsu!
Wait! Please don't go! I'm begging you! This was all a mistake. I'm a mistake. I'm sorry...
I start to vomit in the bushes.
He's hated me since then. He kept his promise. He never told another soul, he never brought it up again. Things have never been the same. They never will be. I fucked up. I'm fucked up. It's all my fault.
Let me tell you a secret:
I hate me more than he possibly could.
