August 24 ,2016
(Calabasas,LA)
I crashed into my room angrily,threw my bag,God knows where it landed,all I knew was I was mad,mad at myself,mad at my mom and everybody in my family and mostly I was mad at God....I couldn't believe it,I just got back from school and the news was just delivered to me,my dad was dead and I was never going to see him again,I fall on my rugs and cry for 5minutes or so.
I was a sick person,I hate myself,I hate the way I was born,I couldn't remember the last time I touched my dad,it should be when I was 2years old before I became sick.
I always thought I would get well and that we would be able to do things like a normal father and daughter would do,but now I wasn't going to see him for the rest of my life,I loved my dad...no..I lived for him,he was the best man in the entire world, even though our amazing relationship had to be 3 feets apart from each other,he was just always there for me.
I couldn't live like this, without Dad I was just yet another weirdo who lived in the same world with normal people, Dad always said there was no normal person in the world because everyone was weird to someone else,he always made everything seem easier and more importantly he loved me so much (I cry alot more).
I walked to my study table,I picked up a small knife which I always kept there,I always knew I was going to need it one day,I always pictured myself stabbed and dead (I did say I was sick),I brought the knife to my wrist without thinking I cut a big part and the knife fell to the floor,I cried more because it hurt,I hurt and my blood was dripping down in my mom's really expensive rug, that didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered.
The wrist cut was still fresh but I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated it,I hated it so much, I started to hit my image, what the mirror was showing me,I hit it till the mirror broke apart,the sounds were heard around the house,I heard people at the door, screaming my name and banging on the door, I had locked it, good I thought.
My hands were messy,filled with blood,I wanted more,I looked at the mirror a part of it was remaining,I picked up the knife and launched it the mirror that's when I felt it,the sharp piercing pain into my abdomen, that knife had launched right back and into me .
"Break this freaking door down!!!!", that was my Mom,I heard noises but I was already on the floor,my eyes were almost closed,my vision blurry but I could see the door being broken down, about 4 to 5 people came in,at this point I couldn't identify them but I heard voices.
"Not again!!!,call 911,Now!!!!!"
I was out...I knew I was dead and I loved it
I want to see Dad...
I definitely knew I was also dead or at least I was Dead.
This isn't a chapter,more like an opening.
