A Portrait of A Tortured You and I

Chapter 2

I was snapped back to reality, when I heard the horn blow on the ferry. It was pulling up to the dock. I was equal parts excited and nervous. This wasn't my first rodeo, I had been to over 50 concerts, traveling all over the world to see Mars, I was also a Camp Mars alum... but this was the first time I had left the comfort of my home since I had been brutalized.

Life has a funny way of surprising you though. Since the attack, my sisters and I have made up. I don't think we would have, had the unfortunate not happened.

Since I received the anonymous letter and check, I started working on getting better. I still wasn't out of the woods. The occasional panic attack and nightmare still happened. I didn't know if they would ever go away, but they were becoming less and less. I did have a few issues getting on the plane, but I used the breathing and grounding techniques that my therapist was teaching me. And here I am, ready to finally enjoy life again. I was so anxious to get to the island and get settled in.

Some of the Echelon that I was still friends with were meeting up with me and it was all about strength in numbers. That gave me comfort knowing that they had my back in the unlikely event I began to panic.

I looked around seeing many unfamiliar faces and was slightly confused. Having traveled a lot to the European shows, I expected to recognize people I knew, but alas I didn't. We began to load onto the ferry, everyone in a rush. I felt a bump and a push and at first just chucked it off as everyone being so eager and not looking where they were going. I felt an attack coming on and steadied myself against the railing. "Okay, you've got this. Breathe in, now breathe out." I did my breathing exercises and didn't care if people thought I was crazy. It subsided and I went to give myself a figurative pat on the back when I turned around and saw an unwanted familiar face.

"No one is buying it, freak!" She was laughing and acting so smug.

"What is your problem, Natalie?" I asked. I honestly wanted to clear the air with her. I knew I'd be seeing her at a ton of events going forward, as I had been for the last fifteen years. I'd like to be able to enjoy our precious time with the band without having to constantly worry about problems with her.

"You honestly don't know, do you?" She grinned, all the while looking at me very curiously.

"No. I've never had problems with you. In fact, when you were writing that Jared smut, I was your biggest fan, always complimenting you on your writing. Last years camp we even enjoyed some time together. So Nat, what's the deal?"

"You don't get to call me Nat anymore. Just do me a favor and fuck off." With that she stormed off into a group of girls all high five-ing her and congratulating her on a job well done being the biggest bully. The saddest part of this was that Natalie is a 44 year old woman acting like a 20 year old. It wasn't cute. Not by a long shot.

I was on edge the whole ferry ride which lasted approximately an hour and twenty minutes, but felt much more like an eternity.  My eyes were constantly darting around and anytime the boat rocked, I felt absolute dread.  I was repeating a sort of mantra over and over in my head, "you're gonna be in the presence of Mars soon. It's going to be the best time!" I just knew once I was there and settled, that I would finally be able to let my guard down.  I would be able to relax and have the best time.

We pulled up to the island and from the boat, I could see the beautiful art installations and hear the sounds of laughter mixed with music being played on loud speakers.  I was home, in my element.  Memories of previous camps creeping in my head and replacing all the negative ones from the past year.  I watched as Natalie and her groupies got off the boat before me.  I was wishing and trusting that she'd forget that I was here, now that she was also on the island.