My Christmas Wish

Moving On

I knew I had to build up the courage to finally get on with my life. But that was easier said than done. I didn't know if I would ever be able to love another woman the way that I used to love Stephanie. To tell the truth, I still loved her. I didn't know if I could ever go on with my life without her by my side, let alone with the burden of carrying around the haunting memories of my precious baby girl for the rest of my life. How would I ever be able to find it in my heart to love another child? In the back of my mind, I would always be asking myself what if I lost another child the way I lost Serenity? I knew, somehow, that I would always have questions like that one go through my mind. It was just something I was going to have to learn to deal with as time went on.

I had felt guilty that I wasn't able to save her life. That guilt was compounded with the dissolution of my marriage to Stephanie. My dad knew that I felt guilty about everything. That was why, about a year after Serenity's death, he subtly suggested that I needed to start seeing a therapist. He was right to suggest that I needed therapy.

While I was in therapy those first few months, I told my therapist about all of my fears and shortcomings. I told her how I felt that it was my fault that Serenity was gone, how I wished that I could have done more to help her, and how I had wondered for the longest time if I had done something to God for Him to continually punish me. I told her I had that question go through my head at least a hundred times a day. Even before I started therapy, I thought that maybe I had done something to anger God. But I had learned that things like that happen every day and people just like me blame themselves just like I did for so long.

Shortly after Serenity's death, I got up the courage to ask my dad why I would have that question about God being angry at me go through my mind. He simply told me that I probably felt guilty because I wasn't able to save that sweet little baby's life. That was when I told him about the fears I kept having about trying to love another woman the way I used to love Stephanie. He told me that it was natural to have those fears.

Honestly, I felt that was what had kept him from pressuring me about putting myself out there and dating for such a long time. He knew that I had been going through a lot. He wanted to see me move on with my life. He wanted to see me happy again, the same as every other man in the world. But how was I supposed to do that when I had so many things I needed to get myself through?

Dad always knew the right things to tell me at just the right moment. Of course I had fears about trying to meet another woman and starting another family. Who wouldn't after going through what I had been through? I just knew that I wanted to get on with my life and that was exactly what I was going to have to do.

When I first started talking to my dad about dating again, he told me, "Son, you will never know what's out there unless you put yourself out there and find out for yourself."

I knew he was right. It was just that the thought of actually dating again scared the holy shit out of me. But even though, I knew that my dad was right, that was exactly what I had to do. I had to finally put my fears to rest and just go for it.

Stephanie was my first love. In fact, we had been high school sweethearts. That bond that we formed back in the tenth grade had lasted for years. What did our relationship in was Serenity's death. Even if we had been able to make it through the trauma of losing our baby, who's to say that things between us would have lasted? Statistics say that most couples who lose a child wind up separating. That was the case for Stephanie and I. That was why I started believing that we weren't meant to grow old together.

I could just see my mom looking at me and shaking her head right now. She always told me that there would be times in my life that I would want to stop doing particular things. That there would probably be times when I would have the want to give up on one thing or another. She always told me that was when I had to get tough on myself.

My mom always said that everything happens for a reason. But I still found myself looking for the reason God had to take Serenity out of my life at such a young age, even three years after the fact. I just had to face it: the only one who knew why Serenity died was God Himself and I wouldn't know why He took Serenity out of my life until the day I died.

The first step that I had to take in getting on with my life was getting myself into therapy. Then, I had to take one day at a time to get through everything. Then, eventually, maybe I would start trying to date. I was pretty much a work in progress from the day of Serenity's death. My dad was the only one who understood that at the time.

Prior to the death of my daughter, I never really knew what depression was. That all changed in the blink of an eye. But I think it made me a better man in the end.