The Tales of a Professional Hockey Player

Chapter 12: Toronto

~Ben~

"I did," she says, her gaze suddenly on the ground. She seems fascinated by her sock-covered feet. We stay quiet for a while, the only sounds filing the space being the honking of cars and the alarms from emergency vehicles. I get up, unable to stay in this stifling silence anymore. I head for the door when I hear something. It sounds like a mix between a word and a cry. It makes me turn back around to face Eleanor. Her head is in her hands and she pulled her knees closer to her chest. I know she's crying, and, to be honest, I could cry too.

"Don't cry, El," I say, pressing my hand to her shoulder. I don't feel the usual warmth coming off of her, she's cold tonight even if it's warm outside. I wish I could hold her close to transfer some of my warmth to her, but I don't think I could bear being so close to her. I used to feel like I was never close enough, but, after tonight's revelations, I want to be as far away as possible because, for the first time, I realize that something was wrong between us way before Germany happened. Our relationship's failure was a long time coming. It should make me feel better. I don't hold all the blame anymore. But it doesn't. In fact, it makes me feel worse for not seeing it coming.

"I put all the blame on you for so long, but it's not fair of me. We both messed up. I kept too many things for myself. I..." she starts but I cut her off.

"But I'm the one who left, El. Not you. I'm the one who broke up with you and I know that the only reason I'm here is Ophelia but I'm ok with that. We are co-parents now; I just wish it could be easier. I don't want to have to hand over Ophelia to Hannah, give her handwritten notes about our day that she will give to you, or have her as a babysitter. She's ours, can we make it work, please?" I see her nod slowly and a smile starts to appear on her face. "I'll go to bed now," I quietly say as I open the door.

"Wait," I hear her say. Suddenly, her hand is on my arm and she's standing behind me. "Do you have a place to stay in New York when we get back?" I shake my head. Connor showed me a few places, but I haven't decided on anything since I haven't signed my contract yet. "Stay with us, Ophelia and me. It'll make it easier for you to spend time with her and it'll give me time to write." She's stuttering, something she only does when she's nervous.

"Ok, thank you," I reply with a smile. We both walk back into the room. She leads me to the door where we awkwardly say goodbye.

Ever since we left British-Columbia, everything has changed. I pick up Ophelia in Eleanor's room where we even play together if she has time before the reading. An important thing to mention is that her room is now on the same floor as mine. I haven't seen Hannah or Matthew since we left Victoria a few days ago. Eleanor now rides in the same van as me and Ophelia. We read her books to help her fall asleep and fall into a comfortable silence afterwards. We arrived in Toronto late last night meaning that we didn't do much. I even skipped the gym, going directly to bed. I woke up early this morning to the sound of my phone ringing too loudly in the quiet room.

"Eleanor?" I say my voice breaking in the middle.

"Guess who told me they were coming to the signing?" I shrug, forgetting she can't see me.

"Don't know. Who?"

"Blair and Vivienne," she proudly announces.

"Really? I thought they hated you."

"They did, but they must want to be a part of the book's success. You know how they are." No, no I don't know how they are. But they seem like the type of people who thrive on other people's successes. Like Kim Kardashian's mother when she decided to manage her daughter's career. Wow, I hate my seven am references. I simply hum, not knowing what to answer.

"Do you think you could come? To the signing? I don't want to face them alone." Last week, I would have jumped on the occasion to spend more time with her, but the simple mention of Blair and Vivienne creates a sour taste in my mouth.

"You won't be alone. You've got Matthew." I have no idea why I said that. I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. "Forget what I just said, I'll be there," I rectify.

"Thank you," she answers. She Ophelia say hi and we hang up.

I hadn't struggled to decide what to wear so much since Ophelia's birthday. I struggled so much that day that Olive ended up choosing for me. I decided to do the same today, so I sent her two pictures of possible outfits. I felt like the biggest looser on the planet. She didn't help when she told me she found it cute. She ended up choosing the second one, a white button-up shirt with a grey line in the bottom and simple black jeans. I looked at myself in the mirror for about ten minutes, wondering if my hair was too long before gathering enough courage to leave my hotel room.

They put me in the back corner of the library, in the kids' section. I set up a few toys for Ophelia, thinking that once she gets bored of them, I'll just grab a book in an aisle. I was fine with my emplacement, but Eleanor wasn't. She argued with Craig about how famous I was in Ontario, fame that would attract people. They ended up bringing us closer to her just as I was done organizing my stuff. The line of people in front of the table where Eleanor and Matthew are sitting is so long, I can't see the end of it. I knew her book was good, but I didn't know it had encountered so much success. Countless girls ask for her signature as they gush over how much they loved the book. I hear a few ask where Ophelia is, and the sounds that fill my ears when Eleanor tells them that she's with me are high enough to break glass.

After an hour and a half, Ophelia starts walking towards her mother, repeating "mama" over and over again. I am able to grab her just before she reaches the long line of people still queuing.

"Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben," I hear a condescending female voice say. "Still unable to take care of anyone but yourself, I see," the voice continues. I raise my head only to come face to face with long and straight jet-black hair. Blair. I turn in Eleanor's direction who is pretending to be busy signing a copy of her book.

"Blair, I'd say it's nice to see you, but I'm trying to be an honest person, so I'll abstain." I use my best sarcasm voice. "Hello Vivienne," I add in the red-head's direction. If I remember correctly, Vivienne was nicer to Eleanor after the whole lying scandal than Blair was. Vivienne reciprocates the greeting as Blair pulls her in Eleanor's direction. I stay close by, pretending to show philosophical books to a one-year-old.

"Ella! It's been so long," Blair loudly says. I can't hear Eleanor's response, but it must be something along the lines of how busy she is at the moment because Blair argues that she should be able to make time for her old friends.

"I have people waiting, Blair. Can we do this later?" Wow, Eleanor was way more polite than I would have been. She even smiled at her. I try not to dwell on the fact that she was nicer to Blair than to me as I continue to eavesdrop.

"Let's do dinner! We've missed you so much, right Viv?" Vivienne has not said a word something that indicates that coming here wasn't her idea. There's a pause in the conversation until Matthew's voice fills the silence.

"We have a crew dinner tonight since it's the end of the tour. You guys can come but it'll be a little awkward," he coldly says.

"We'll definitely come," Blair says. I think I see her clap her hands a few times like an overjoyed five-year-old.

They leave shortly after that and I do the same. I take Ophelia out for a stroll. The air in the bookstore was getting thicker and rarer with every customer entering. As I walk down Main Street, I think about Eleanor's book. How poignant it was to read as I was so involved in it. I discovered many aspects of our relationship that I had never seen before like how Eleanor really felt about moving here. I always thought she was thrilled to get away from her family and especially her mother, and, while this was true, she also had a hard time adjusting to her new life. I see how alone she felt, and I realize that I didn't do much to help her. I would do so many things differently if I had known, but it's like she said, because she loved me, she stayed quiet. She stayed quiet and it slowly killed us.

I head back to the bookstore after Eleanor texted it was over.

"If you want, I can watch Ophelia while you go to the crew dinner tonight," I suggest as I throw the diaper bag in the trunk of the van. I hit my hands together to get rid of the dirt from the rear door.

"No, you're coming to the dinner," she answers. I don't have time to argue. She walks away, leaving me wondering why she suddenly wants me to follow her everywhere she goes when she wanted nothing that had to do with me only a few days ago.