Girl's Guide to Hating Wade Wilson

Step 1: Meet him

Step 1 of my experience hating Wade Wilson is easy, I met him.

"What?!" I exclaimed. "You want me to look after him?"

Colossus nodded, his shiny metal arms crossed in front of him. He sure reminded me of my dad when he stood like that.

"I'm sorry it had to be you." He stated in his thick Russian accent. "We all took vote. Nobody else wanted to do it and you ate last brownie the other week. They're still mad."

I sighed deeply, throwing myself onto the couch. "I'd rather the death penalty, thanks."

"Oh it's not that bad. Consider it training exercise." He tried to reason with me.

"Really? Him? Have you met the fucker?!" I flailed my arms around, trying to seem as dramatic as possible.

"Scout, watch your language..." Colossus silenced my whining.
Negasonic Teenage... whatever her name was... passed by the both of us with a can of soda in hand.

"Unfortunately, we have." She stated plainly, sipping her drink.

"Negasonic, you of all people should understand." I motioned to her for some support. She nodded cheekily.

"Oh, I think we all understand just fine. Why do you think you're in charge of watching him and not us?"

"Wha-what?!" I tried to argue.

"Decision is final." Colossus spoke again, turning away and leaving me alone, whining on the couch.

"Sucks for you." Negasonic teased before walking away.

"Fuck you guys!" I called through the house, my voice echoing off the halls.

●●●

You're probably thinking, "Hey, don't knock it til you try it" and frankly, I've tried it. And damn, do I wanna knock it the fuck out.

I knew I needed to find him somehow, so I checked the one place Colossus told me he could be. I knocked on the door of an old looking house. No answer. I knocked again.

"I'm comin', hold on!" Said a voice. It sounded like an older woman. She answered after a moment. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I'm looking for a Wade Wilson. Heard of him?" I asked.

"I've heard of him, alright. Some days I wish I hadn't." She answered.
"Come on in, I'll get him for you."

I stepped into the small house carefully, minding the many boxes scattered about. The old woman sat down on a beige couch.

"Wade! You have a visitor!" She called. I almost hoped he wasn't home, and I could maybe deal with him another day. I heard some shuffling from another room, and out walks my worst nightmare. Wade fucking Wilson.

"Well well well..." he began. "If it isn't Caitlyn Jenner halfway through transition. You here for the turn down service?" He was still wearing his suit, but not his mask. I assumed he'd just gotten back, or was just leaving.

"I'm just here to tell you that I'll be keeping an eye on you." I told him. "Colossus sent me."

"Oooh, a babysitter! Well, you can keep both eyes on me if you want babe..." He teased.

"With a face like that, I'd choose neither, but I kinda have to." Wade slumped down onto the couch beside the old woman.

"Wade, please be nice to her, she sounds pretty." The woman said.

"C'mon Al, what are you, blind?"

There was a silence.

"Anyway... Oh!" He yelped, looking down at his watch. "I actually have a date, says here in the script. I better get going." He immediately stood up and jogged into the next room. He returned with his mask in hand and a Hello Kitty bag on his back.

"Are you gonna follow me? I wouldn't want you to miss your My Chemical Romance concert..."

"I guess I am, Wade."

"Oh wow, obedient. I can see why Chrome-bone chose you, you'll make, the perfect sidekick!" He pulled his mask over his avocado face.

"Sidekick?!" I repeated. Oh no, he did not. "I'm here to-"

"Oh I know why you're here, Selena Gomez..." He gripped firmly onto my shoulders. "And I just have to say one thing..." We locked eyes awkwardly.
"Lets kill em with kindness."

He patted my shoulders before passing me and heading to the door. He was halfway out when he turned back to me.

"Are you coming?!" He called. I rolled my eyes, sighed, and followed him out.

"So our chrome-penised friend put you up to this?" He asked as we walked to the curb.

"Yea."

"Must've done something pretty bad, babysitting me is a punishment worse than death."

"That's a valid description." Wade waved down the street at a yellow taxi coming our way.

"So what did you do?"

"I hate the last brownie." Wade suddenly gasped.

"You did not... How could you?!"

"Or they just needed a reason to get rid of me." I mumbled. Wade didn't seem to hear.

The taxi slowly pulled to a stop in front of the two of us. The front and back doors opened.

"Where to, Mr. Pool?" Said the man inside.

"I'll tell you in a minute." Wade threw his backpack in the back seat aimlessly. He glanced back over to me.
"Get in loser, we're going shopping." He said, motioning to the open door to the back seat. I slipped into the taxi and closed the door behind me. Wade got into the passanger seat and immediately reclined his chair all the way back, just enough to piss me off.

"Hey!" I squeaked, squirming, trying to adjust my legs, moving them up onto the back seat.

"Sorry! Bad back, you know?"

"But you-"

"Sssssh." He whispered, placing a finger to my lips. I felt if I could roll my eyes any harder, I'd die. I smacked his hand away. I don't know where it's been.

"Can you please not make my job any harder? Pretty please?"

"Then I guess things are about to get real hard, aren't they?"