LOVING Aman | ✓

33

Aman had written in his letters that for years after our estrangement, his day had always began with a morning ritual; watching me water the plants in our garden. Creepy, isn't it? And yet I found it sexy.

...My life was empty save for those thirty minutes or so, he'd written. "Watching you take care of those plants like you do. Showing restraint on some and lavishly treating some, with your love evident. It was a gift, Reima, one I knew I didn't deserve but accepted nevertheless. However I couldn't help but feel some resentment towards you. How can you take care of these plant for the longest time, saving some from near death even but somehow had let what we had succumbed to neglect? It simply wasn't fair."

It was a gift, he'd said, one he didn't deserve, but I can't help but think him wrong. Not sure I blame him though

I was after all, someone he loved and who had loved him. Someone he'd spoken to daily, looked forward to seeing and have his heart flutter about just by simply thinking was in his life. And then suddenly he got shut out completely and everything that had once made sense began to haunt him. There was nothing to look forward to. No school, no meeting in the forest. No nothing. Just like that.

...It was easier when you hated me, Rei, at least I knew I was in your thoughts somehow. But I had lost that too. Maybe that was why I stopped coming to your place, and had left the country finally. I needed to find a way to while away my sense of loss. Because the truth was, I had loss you

I remember asking my mom one time who took care of my garden when I was kidnapped. She had looked strangely at the garden too, clearly at a loss how the plants hadn't shrivelled or at most, died. It was December and I had been gone for almost a year now. But I know who saved them now. It was Aman

He had watered them day and night.
 
...I finally felt hope, Reima. I hadn't felt anything but pain those past years without you but in the blooming of those plants, I found peace. I could feel them speaking to me, missing me, especially on those mornings I missed watering them. I would find them all morose and gloomy. And then when I do come and water them, I could feel their happiness radiating.  It made me happy and gave me something to look forward to. And not once have I ever faltered in my desire to keep them company and take care of them. However that too went down the drain when I found out that you had been kidnapped, knowing it was partly my fault you were. I just knew I had to get you back even if I risked losing you again. But after all that, I simply couldn't go back even though a part of me always keeps missing it, desiring to go back and see them, touch them once more. But I know I had lost that too the moment I decided to leave.

This too, was typical of him. Never giving people second chances.

Not that I was any better.

However thinking about my life with Aman always makes me remember the white rose I had planted with my dad when I was ten. It was already an unusual occurrence having the white rose grow despite the environmental factors against it but then before I realized it, it had withered and died. It had suddenly become old and despite surviving the harsh climatic conditions, despite the adequate sunlight and water, I couldn't save it. Nothing could.

...Why did bad things have to happen to us, Rei? We were good people, I know we were. And now I don't know anymore. I stare into the mirror and I don't even know who I was or what I was supposed to be anymore. I stare at the mirror and Rei, I realize I am nothing, nothing.

But he wasn't nothing. I know he wasn't. But I can't tell him that, ever.

Aman wasn't the villian in my story, he was my knight in shining armor but sometimes, a damsel in distress didn't need saving, she needed to feel needed, wanted, to feel that she mattered and that was something he couldn't understand. Aman simply couldn't understand that I wasn't a sweet and delicate flower, I was a strong and resilient weed.