Tevun-Krus #73 - Best of '19

'Arry Otter and the Door to the Multiverse - @PhonerionBallznevsky - Punk Wars

'Arry Otter and the Door to the Multiverse

A Punk Wars story by 

'Arry Otter had a door to the multiverse inside his mind. He didn't know how to open it. He didn't know how to let in whatever it was banging on the other side. 'Arry didn't understand a damn thing about that door. 'Arry didn't understand a damn thing about much. To be frank, 'Arry wasn't that bright and he knew it.

He thought of it as a door because sometimes, when the mood was right, he would feel something inside his brain-thingy creak open—like a door!—and then all the beings from the multiverse would shout things at him from their respective other sides.

He didn't know how to explain it. 'Arry was doing the best he could.

'Arry had a best friend named Barry. He also had a friend named Carrey, and even Barry was friends with Carrey (including someone named Darry (short for Darrell), but 'Arry didn't know him). 'Arry was playing some games at the 'cade with Barry, not Carrey (or Darry, though he'd really like to meet him).

Barry Blotter was bright—brighter than 'Arry, at least. Smarter, too. Barry had blond hair and a perpetual orange glow. 'Arry was pale, lifeless, and not that smart, either. 'Arry wished he could be as smart as Barry.

"Gonna beat you again, 'Arry," said Barry, gyrating and convulsing over in the real world like a fairy. In the world of the 'cade, however, he was a tough guy. A malcontent. A no-good ruffian out for nothing but some bad-boy shit. He wore a long leather jacket with all kinds of hooks and chains and deflated balloons and other cheap, dollar-store junk dangling from it, like cootie-catchers and bad jokes on the insides of gum wrappers. Barry also wore a blue-and-yellow baseball cap with a propeller on top, rotating away.

Barry was good at this. Barry was good at everything.

'Arry looked like a loser. Greasy hair. Greasier skin. A foul smell lingering on him like an unwashed ass. 'Arry wore nylon socks and a one-piece bathing suit made for an elephantine woman. Baldness had struck 'Arry here. The last remnants of his hair lay stuck together in greasy horizontal strips across his crown.

'Arry didn't like these games much. 'Arry was doing the best he could.

"Can we do something else, Barry?" 'Arry Otter asked Barry Blotter.

"Die a few more times for me, would ya, 'Arry?" Barry said to 'Arry as he shot him twenty-two times in the chest.

'Arry flew backwards, feeling that 'cade impact like it was almost the real deal. He landed in the dirt, which became the asphalt of a parking lot, which became a cement sidewalk, which became a hospital floor.

Barry was changing channels.

There was a twitch in 'Arry's eye, and a switch was flipped inside his mind. The door creaked open, 'Arry knew it, could feel it. He heard splices from all the things wanting to get through. 'Arry tried to shut them out, tried to stand in the school hallway, tried to use the highway guardrails for support.

They came out of him. As they did. The door to the multiverse was anything but locked or hard to open from their side of the door.

"Suck my leet haxorz, noob. I can best you with merely the left thumb of my right hand!"

"What did you say, 'Arry?" asked Barry.

"I don't know!" he managed to shout in between "My mother's my sister, yeeeeeeehaaaaaw!" and "Greetings, we, the Urjackulins, come in peace. Do you have car insurance? Would you like car insurance?"

"Huh?"

"Do you remember Gigawitch Day?" "Don't tell the captain I stole his transponder unit!" "Worlds within worlds within wheels within wheels..."

Barry shot 'Arry a few more times.

The door flew open.

A change came over 'Arry. His face went more slack than normal ('Arry wasn't exactly known for being expressive, though Carrey was, and in fact had made a career out of it). It was like he was a robot. He moved on autopilot, front-flipping, barrel-rolling, dodging left and dipping right. His avatar changed every second. Tough astronaut with a gun. Muscled chick in invisibility camo. Weak scientist with genius-level intellect.

Barry stopped changing the channels. Had to. Things stayed as they were: a dense rainforest awash with wet green leaves of all shapes and sizes, the animals making constant jungle music. Barry ducked for cover in a hollowed-out tree stump, dodging bullets and plasma rounds and laser blasts and even bad smells.

When 'Arry came into sight, Barry shot him in the head. 'Arry involuntarily backflipped away.

Barry found 'Arry flat on his ass in the bushes, vomit spilling down his chin.

"You did it again, 'Arry," Barry said as the 'cade faded away to a reflective-panelled room. "Deeper this time."

"The door," 'Arry said. "They put a lock on it now."

Meanwhile, in a darkened booth way in the back of a nearby bar, two men with immense power discussed the potential ramifications of introducing an International Mother-Sister Day to commemorate the sibling mother figures in all our lives, inbred and out-.