A Beginner's Guide to the American West ✓

chapter fifteen

f i f t e e n

*

In the van on the way to the Grand Canyon, two hours after the incident in the shop – during which time I still haven’t tried a s’more, which will have to wait until our next campfire – Arjun is still muttering, his hands clenched in angry fists. He exploded the moment we left the store, still gripping my hand as he ranted about that ignorant fucking cunt, and he didn’t let go of me – or the issue – until we made it back to our tent.

My hand’s still tingling.

I’m not sure if he’s mad only on my behalf, or on his too, and the thought is almost too much. Either he’s a great ally, or he’s not straight.

Once we got back, it took a while for him to accept my insistence that the guy was not worth so much anger, that it was a waste of emotion and we’ll never see him again. Eventually, Arjun acquiesced with a huff and a roll of his shoulders.

Now it’s reared its head again, thanks to Brannan asking where we went and, then, why Arjun seems so mad. I put my hand on his knee and give him a look when I can feel him getting all riled up next to me.

“Yes, we encountered a pig of a man, but we got the ingredients for s’mores, so it’s not a total loss,” I say, partly because I just want to stop thinking about it. I don’t want my mind to linger on the intolerant words of some random American hick I don’t plan to ever see again, but it’s hard when the two words he chose are two that struck with such force.

There I was, thinking we were getting the stink eye for the colour of our skin – which was part of it, I’m pretty sure, else why would he ask where we were born? – and instead, he had decided we were a couple and that was too much. How dare a couple of gay brown boys have fun with his stupid fucking hats, right?

“It’s not ok,” Arjun says, still grumbling. We’re halfway to the canyon now and I’m ready to enjoy what Sam promises will be a spectacular sunset.

“I know, god, trust me, I’m well aware that he’s a fucking ignorant cunt,” I say, borrowing Arjun’s words, “but I just want to stop thinking about it, ok?”

I don’t intend for there to be an edge in my voice but one slips in and I pull my hand back, recoiling at my own harshness. Arjun snaps his head up, looking affronted, eyebrows furrowed.

Fuck. All he’s trying to do is be nice and supportive and all I can do is snap. The van is silent and my throat gets tight and ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything. 

I love his rage. I love that he is so outwardly incensed by that awful man’s awful words. I love that he cares so much. But there’s only so much I can dwell on something before it’s too much, and I don’t want to end up down a dark path.

Adedayo breaks the silence by putting on an upbeat playlist and eventually, Kristin and Klara start talking and Young-mi leans forward to chat to Brannan, and Arjun and I are left to stew in the back in my awkwardness.

“Sorry,” I say when I’m sure no-one else is listening. My voice is quiet enough that only Arjun can hear me anyway. “You’re totally right and I really appreciate you, but I just ... what he said hurt, and I’d rather just forget about it.”

Also, I think, now I’m as good as out to everyone in the van, and while part of me doesn’t care who knows that I’m bi – especially now that the cat’s out of the bag with my parents – another part is acutely aware that I’ve only known them a few days and they’re essentially a bunch of strangers. God knows what their views are. How am I supposed to know that one of them isn’t a raging homophobe?