The Girl Who Whispered (A Short Autobiography on Selective Mutism)

Treatment for SM

I wanted to get into how SM SHOULD be treated.
For me, my parents didn't help much. They took me to a psychiatrist when I was younger, but I was too young to remember that. I'm not sure what they told them.
So what my parents did was essentially let me suffer in silence for years. They're not bad people, I guess they just didn't know how to help.
They made me see my counselor at lunch every week, where he would try and make me talk. "It's just me, (friend's name), and you. It's okay. This is a safe place."
But this never worked. You can't just force a kid with SM to up and speak like that. It's too much at once.
My parents also made me attend a different school for a day. Probably cause they thought the problem was the kids that I was surrounded by.
Yeah... that only lasted one day. I didn't speak or whisper a single word there and it was pure torture to be plagued by triple the anxiety while I was there. It was horrible. So I went back to my normal elementary school.
See, here's the thing. For a lot of kids with SM, change is really, really hard. It can stress them out or overwhelm them. This is very true for me. Even if it's a good change, it takes a while for me to mentally come to terms with it.
Sometimes it can be as simple as a friend getting a really different haircut or a new pair of glasses. It's just so different. And you need a bit of time to get used to it.
   One thing my dad did was record me reading a book and putting it on a CD so the class could hear me read it. This just invoked my first panic attack, caused me to become completely mute the rest of the year, not even whispering, and also caused me to have severe trust issues with my dad.
My mom also took me to McDonald's one day, and we "accidentally" ran into my new teacher for the year, who "happened" to recognize me and "happened" to know my name. Like, kids aren't stupid.
On one hand, I talked to my 3rd grade teacher normally there because I didn't know she was associated with school yet (so, I guess that's good). I could use my normal voice around JUST her in school.
   On the other hand, it caused me to have trust issues with my mom. Which, great. Like I get why she did it and that she was trying to help, but I still felt backstabbed?
   But the main thing that bothers me was how they treated my SM. My mom was more understanding and just seemed concerned about bullying and felt I'd "grow out it it." (News flash: kids do not just "grow out of" SM).
   Now my DAD... yikes. The older I got, the more angry he'd get that I was still being "stubborn." He'd ask me why I can't just talk and stop being so stubborn, for which I didn't have an answer.
   My go to answer for YEARS was "I'm just shy." He got angry at this and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. Like 8 year old me didn't know what the hell was wrong with me either, Dad.
   I ended up bravely just saying "here" with my normal voice for attendance the first day of 7th grade (this was SO hard, and it was the first time I had used my normal voice in school).
   So after that, I guess they consider me "fixed." I talk now. I "grew out of it." I'm "normal."
   What doesn't help is that my dad thinks it's funny to "tease"/joke about my "mum"/mute days. He'll cover his mouth with his hand and go "mm-mm-mm-mm" (think person trying to speak when their mouth is tied/covered with a hen-kerchief). And then he laughs. You know, like it's funny. It's not. It's really, really not.
   He makes jokes and CONTINUES to do so about how I didn't talk. Every time he sees a mime, "haha look it's Madison," and "imitates" me as a "mute." What. The. Fuck.
   But it's okay, cause every time I try to explain that it's really not funny, he pushes it off like it's nothing. I mean, he doesn't really believe in a lot of mental health problems. ADHD people are just "lazy kids that don't want to pay attention in school." People with PTSD "shouldn't have joined the army." People who cut themselves are "just stupid." Depression isn't real, you're "just sad." You get the point.
   So if I even TRIED explaining that I had an anxiety disorder called selective mutism (which, btw, was written on my school records at one point), he'd just say that's dumb and I just needed to get over it. To get over my stupid fears. 
   But the thing about SM is that you can't "just get over it." Kids don't simply "grow out of it."
   I know what you're probably thinking. "Oh, but you just up and talked for attendance that one time and it fixed everything. So you kinda did." No. Selective mutism typically does not go away on its own, and in fact can lead to worsened anxiety and social difficulty if not addressed.
   Am I over SM? Yes. But the thing is when you treat SM, it's about getting rid of the anxiety, which in turn allows the child to speak.
   I never got this gradual therapy. You're supposed to slowly introduce more and more "dangers" to the child. Start with having their mom there and playing a game. Talking normally. Then over time maybe leave the door cracked open. Then fully. Then have someone the child does not speak to sit OUTSIDE. Then inside. You get the point. Gradual change.
   But since I never got this, I never learned how to deal with that anxiety. And on top of that, I felt like MY burden was more my parents' burden and I was a disappointment for dealing with this.

   If a child IS treated, they learn how to deal with that anxiety and over time begin talking to everyone and live a much less anxiety-filled life. Now here's what can happen if they AREN'T treated:
   1. Their Selective Mutism turns into Progressive Mutism. (Selective Mutism may turn into a severe form known as "progressive mutism", where the disorder progresses until the person with this condition no longer speaks to anyone in any situation, even close family members.)
   2. They continue to just live with selective mutism and suffer in silence while their anxiety stays at these high levels. Yes, that means someone can be selectively mute well into their teen years or even adult years if it's not treated.
   3. Somehow, and probably not very often, they "get over it." (I've never heard a story of any other kid who "got over it." If you know any sources, please please tell me). As in they were brave enough to pull themself out of that SM cage and talk now. But with this, they still have overwhelming anxiety and social anxiety, and they don't know how to deal with it. So yes they talk now, but they still continue to suffer from crippling anxiety levels.

   So please, if you are or know someone with SM, GET THEM HELP. GET THEM TREATMENT.
I still to this day wish I got treatment. I feel like I missed out on SO much of my childhood. I feel anger towards my parents sometimes because I felt like they didn't care enough, or even TRY to help me, let alone treat my past respectfully afterwords about the whole SM thing. Not make jokes about it. :/
A lot of times I don't even want to think about my childhood because of it. Yes, I had great times but a lot of my memories are tied to me freezing up, feeling alone, and feeling like I was the ONLY one in the world.
I hate my image back then. I don't want to grow my short hair back long because it reminds me of who I was back then. I don't want to be associated with myself before 8th grade because a lot of the memories and pictures hurt.

So please, for the love of god, get your child help. I don't want to see any other children continue to suffer with this condition. Spread awareness when you can, it's not a well-known condition.