A Wonderland All Our Own

Off With Their Heads!

Cartman grunted with exertion a few times. He stopped moving to catch his breath and wipe some of the sweat from his brow.

"Jesus fuck, I didn't know climbing a ladder was so hard," he panted, before resuming his slow and labored climb.

Above him, his companion, Princess Kenny, responded, "Ugh. Try doing it in heels."

She then clambered onto the battlement and stood near the left side. Huffing and gasping for breath, Cartman followed. After taking a moment to catch his breath, he gestured to the princess, who poked her tongue hang out of her mouth slightly, squinted, and fired an arrow from her pink-ribboned bow.

With a loud high-pitched noise, the projectile streaked through the air and burst like a firework into a pink heart shape, a crackling sound accompanying the explosion of magic. The noise and shape catching their attention, the citizens of Kupa Keep looked up towards the tower where the king and princess stood.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" cried Cartman, his voice cracking as he started to speak; he wasn't used to yelling in a tone that wasn't angry."Attention, all denizens of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

"Ugh, what's he on about now?" mumbled a hooded figure leaning against a wall.

The blond, leather-clad boy next to him twitched slightly and responded, "Oh, i-it must be important if Princess Kenny's with him. Gah, I hope it's not bad news..."

The king continued his speech: "I know that you must be growing tired of the monotony of life lately. I myself am getting quite bored without Je—er, elves to fight. As such, I have come up with an ingenious plan!"

"Hey, what do ya know? He got somethin' right for once," said the black-haired youth.

The blond started to twitch more violently.

"There will be...a contest! A contest of battle strategy, strength, and survivability! For you will need all three to come out on top!"

Princess Kenny, in a rather undignified way, snickered loudly, and cleared her throat as she saw Cartman give her an odd glance.

"Maybe you should enter, Craig—I-I mean, Feldspar the thief. You've got 13 dexterity and 15 strength," suggested the blond barbarian. "You m-multiclassed into dark mage, right? That gives you an extra two intelligence and some pretty useful spells."

"Maybe you're right. Hang on a sec..."

Craig lifted his head and cupped his hand to his mouth, calling out to the two royals, "What do we get if we win?"

"I was getting to that!" the king called through gritted teeth. "The winner shall receive a romantic day with the lovely Princess Kenny!"

The princess giggled and brushed a lock of her blonde wig out of her face.

"Ooh. Th-that sounds k-kinda fun. M-maybe I'll enter," said Tweek, a faint tint of red appearing on his cheeks.

Cartman finished his speech with, "Speak to the ranger Scott, son of Malkin, to enroll."

Craig stepped away from the wall and stretched his arms, then started to make his way towards Scott's desk in front of the coliseum where battles were held. The desk was already being flooded with other kids: he saw Wendy, Clyde, Butters...soon enough, however, there were too many people to make out any faces. Tweek followed closely behind his friend.

"Y-you gonna sign up, Cr—Feldspar?" he asked, though he twitched and growled quietly as he made another error. "D-do you really wanna spend a day with Princess Kenny?"