I'm struggling right now. I'm currently 13,but I have the mental age of a 24-31 year old. I hate making goals in life but it was at 2:45-ish and I was having a life crises. Look⬇
(Ignore the piercings part)
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SEE! There are goals for some things pretty far in the future,and the sad thing is I've been thinking of some of things for years! WHY! It's feels like I'm an adult that was trapped inside a childs body and instead of having a regular kids mind,instead of have tea party's or playing with doll or I don't know that horse phase,I got stuck,in order,with business meetings,tearing the heads off all dolls because I always thought they were watching me and...nevermind,and I've never liked horses anyway. Also you know how most kids are afraid ghosts or a killer trying to kill them,Bitch I tried contacting ghosts to see how they died and all that shit. And the killer thing,I always thought 'Kill them before they kill you'. My Number 1 fear since...like I was born is getting raped. You heard me! Rape. Why my little 'innocent' mind knew that I HAVE NO IDEA! And you know the Santa,Easter Bunny,Tooth Fairy thing. Yeah I found out by my self because they thought we were all dumb enough not to turn slightly to see. That was Easter and Christmas,the Tooth Fairy was because I felt a sudden 'change'(?)when sleeping, I open my eyes and there,my mother with a dollar. *clap,clap,clap* After that before bedtime she just gave me the money.
Relationship/Kids/Trust
I hate babies. But I want a child. Answer? Adoption. I'm actually good with kids,or well the kids I like. I hate a lot of my cousins. Not all though.(Fun Fact:I don't trust most Males)And I do want a relationship,but before I can get into one I need to fucking trust this person to not leave me or think I'm a whackjob(it is now a word). I'm not a very trusting person and you could blame the friends I've had who up and left me for no fucking reason! I know I do. If you actually knew me you would know I'm pretty protective over my friends,and that I follow my instincts about people. I hate when my friends are saying that I'd be a bad Mom. Listen I get it I am a pretty withdrawn person and whenever I see a baby I make my hate for babies known,that's why I point out adoption. Win,Win,Win. I get a child like I wanted,said child gets adopted,and the orphanage spends less money...on said child. Okay so back to relationships,I'm incredibly uncomfortable saying 'I love you' or the normal affection,but when I'm with my trusted friends I just want to cuddle them and sleep with them,actual sleeping most of the time,but their all uncomfortable with it! So in a way I'm touch starved. Also I Do Not trust my relatives. Don't know why but I don't. Maybe I just don't trust adults. Back to the relationship shit,I just Googled what I want and it just says Platonic Physical Intimacy.
Basically I don't want a Boyfriend or Girlfriend but a relationship/friendship that's "being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing and sexual activity." That's pretty much the exact thing I want. It's weird but it makes me happy and if I can find a person I can trust with my life and be comfortable to be in a Platonic Physical Intimacy relationship with me...I'll be happy. On to children,again. I want 1 but if there are twins I want them. I've always wanted a twin. Names I'm thinking about since I may rename them.
So my Mom got a boyfriend maybe a little more than 1 and a half years ago. And as soon as he comes threw the door when we first met him,I didn't fucking trust him. You know that thing that your Mom's new boyfriend does,the spoiling you part,yeah as soon as he started doing this my trust for him just went from 'I don't trust,but I can't do anything about it' to 'NOPE!...I still can't do anything'. Also that fucker scarred me. I just wanted water. Some innocent water...but then as I walk by my Mom's room. A part of me died. THEY WERE HAVING SEX! WITH THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN! Oh guess what,after they broke up we found out that he shared a prison cell with birth father!!! Mom...why? Oh you're gonna love this I have a little brother same mother,same father...and then we have my half-sister. Who's honestly a better sibling. And on her dad's side of family she just has brothers. I'm her only sister. My Mom has a new boyfriend,I honestly don't know if their still together,and when first met him I had all the right to be wary of him. He did the 'spoiling the kid/s' thing but,he had a better aftermath of said phase. You just...know when the phase is over. So I have to say that...my Mom moves way to fast!
Etcetera
I want a tattoo or 2. Something like these⬇
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I've wanted move to Portland Oregon for years. I love the scenery!
