Hi there!!

here i go again

So I've realized that no one is going to read this so i can say what i want. So here i go.

I hate being alive. It's not because of poeple or bad things that have happened to me. I'm just done at this point. I mean why try wgen no one wants to notice. So my thought is that if no one notices then no one will notice if i'm gone right? I don't know. I was told it's selfish to kill yourself, but how is it selfish when no one sees you till you do it? When the only way to get someone to notice is to off yourself and tell them on a piece of fucking paper. I mean if you want to act like you were there for someone the whole time than do it before it's to late. I don't understand people at all.  Sometimes i feel like no one wants me. I mean i have a girlfriend that just asked if we were dating and damn it we've been together for 6 fucking months. How do you not notice that. But i guess it is easy to forget isn't it? To stop thinking about something so unneeded and useless. To forget it's there. I mean i don't want to be the fucking sun but i do want people to remember my birthday. Or to see that im here. To notice if im gone. I'm turning 18 on Friday. I made sure to tell everyone and to make sure they know but i known I'll have to say something. I truly try so fucking hard to show people I'm here but most the time they forget or just don't bother. I maje it seem like im a winie little rich kid. I do a sure eho ever might read this that i am not. Intact i have a job so i can get things i want or well need. I don't want alot of things just close and sometimes food. I feel so fat when i eat something or when someone offers me something. I just hate the way i look. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel hungry but my body knows and tells me i need to try abd eat. I can't tho, i try to eat once a day and nit to much. I hate my body it's so girly but it's not like I can do anything about it. Im not alond to. I do try to change somethings evey now and then but it always has to go back. I do dance because my grandma said all her girls did dance so i at least have to try. I don't want to tell them that I hate it so i just stay quiet and go with it, but tge dance team has become part of my family. There all so nice and try there hardest to except me, but even they forget I'm there. I once cried for half the practice before they noticed i was gone. They only noticed when i walked in tho. I sometimes think that if i were to just leave my house in my work outfit they wouldn't notice i would bever come back. It would be so easy to off myself and it would take them a long time to notice i was gone. I think about death often. It makes me smile. The way i could just leave to a place better than this. Well at least I like to think it's better. I feel like it would be so much easier for everyone if there was one less month to feed, one less kid to not notice, one less accident in the world. But i stop myself because I don't want to be selfish. I known its for me to feel better to finly be noticed to tell them how i feel to say who i am without being interrupted. But i can't because it's selfish to only think for yourself. All i ever do is help them why should I be told it's selfish to do one thing for myself. I got a job so they didn't have to pay for my stuff i don't leave my room so they don't have to know where i am at all times. I don't say when I'm in pain because thats just another problem. I help when im told. I don't talk to people untill they talk to me. I never say how i realy feel so they don't have to worry. I keep my mouth shut so i can listen to what they say.  BUT WHEN DO THEY SHUT THERES SO THEY CAN HEAR ME! WHEN DO I GET NOTICED! WHEN DO I GET TO CRY WITHOUT BEING TOLD I'M OVER REACTING OR THAT I'M BEING TO LOUD! I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH JUST THAT THEY SEE THAT I'M HERE! So when do i get to be special? When do i get to speak? When when do i get to say that im tired. I'm tired of faking that im happy, tired of being ms. Pefect, tired of being told im to loud, to quit, to not there, to there. When do i get to be who i am? How do i become me and why is it so hard to be myself? Why do i have to feel this way? Why do i have to keep quiet? I feel like all of the screaming in my head whould be heard but it's  just so silent. I feel like i want to cut my wrist open and Whatch my veins empty, but im to tired to try. My hands shak all the time and when im out in public i feel like im on display. Like everyone is looking at me but not seeing me.  How do i show them im there, tell them how feel. On second thought the cuts wouldn't hurt anyone but me so if i am to get the energy I'll try. I'll see what it makes me feel. Hopefully I hit a vein, then i wont have to think about theses stupid feelings. About the past, the present, or the future. Because then I'll know all of it. God I'm so sorry for whoever may read this it's just me being a little winie bitch. I'm sorry truly i hope to you that your day is fine and your year great.