Midnight Serenade

Con agitazione

It might have been the worst of all the mistakes I had ever made – or the best of my choices. If he decided he did not love me... then I should be free. I needed to show him that I was not the one to love... I was not the one for him.

He did deserve love, yes, of course, but it was not me who should be his. There had to be another one, one that would love him unconditionally, just the way he could love her. And I... I was not like that. Because when I looked at him, I did not feel happiness and gratitude, but fear. I was afraid of him, afraid of what he could do to me.

On the other hand, though, there was thankfulness for him in my heart, especially for his will to teach me, a person who meant nothing to the rest of the world. I felt happy that he considered me talented, that he appreciated my voice and the way I sang... but it was as far from love as it could be. Although this feeling remained soft and warm, I was afraid I could never offer him anything more than that. And it still lacked this sweetness and passion that love should have. Besides, I did not think I wanted to love him.

Maybe I was cruel. Maybe I should have given him that chance, but it simply did not seem to be right. His love was specific – and I was not quite sure whether I could stand whatever he offered. Because his obsession, his jealousy, his anger came with it, and I would never free myself from him if I allowed him to love me. I was not strong enough – I was just a girl, weak and fragile, not able to find a solution to the easiest of my problems. And he, as an experienced man, needed support which I could not provide.

Once I entered the room, I looked around, as if trying to find a way out, but it was just a closed space with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. What I had just done might have made him angry, and I was scared of his fury. Wrapping my arms around myself, I glanced at the entrance, hearing his quick steps. In a few seconds he would burst in – and I was completely helpless, weak against him. What if he was irate enough to hurt me?

Closing my eyes, I turned away from the doorway, as if it could protect me, maybe make me disappear from this cage, but I knew it was impossible. My breath hitched and within seconds I could hear him enter the room.

What did I expect? I was not even sure – maybe a slap. Maybe him yelling at me... or at least saying some bitter words... Definitely, he should tell me how disappointed he was. And yet, I heard nothing like that.

"Arlette," he whispered, and what I heard was immense sadness in his voice. It made my stomach twist in protest. Why did he have to use it against me? It made me feel so terrible. So guilty. And yet, I did realise that I needed to mind my own well being – if I sacrificed it all to him, I might never be able to find happiness.

Although he called my name, I did not response, just took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but in vain. That was when I felt his hand on my shoulder. Its weight was warm and in some peculiar way calming.

"Do you not trust me? Do you want to run away from your angel, Arlette?" he asked in the very same tone.

What was I supposed to answer? I knew I needed to answer "yes". It would be an honest response – but at the same time, I did not want to hear his voice break again when I said something like that.

But he still was my Angel. I could remember him asking if I wanted him to teach me... if I would follow his every command. I had responsed of my own free will – he had not been trying to put any pressure on me. It had been my own choice, one of which I had once been proud of. And I had not forgotten about it yet.