we remember // 5sos

chapter forty-four

"Calum, we need to talk." Dr Herman came waltzing into the room holding a clipboard full of notes.

He grabbed a chair and pulled it up to Calum's bedside and took a seat. "Firstly, I want to know how your feeling today?"

Calum cleared his throat and attempted to sit up more in the bed. "Not good." Calum shook his head, he was disappointed in his own answer.

"Can you please tell me why your were doing so well and now we're here in the emergency center? You can take your time if you need to." Calum made a long sigh; he even rolled his eyes a bit.

"I suppose I'm just fed up with everything..." Calum trailed off, the Doctor just kept his eyes glued on Calum.

"Let me ask you something, do you want to get better?" Dr Herman clicked the pen and put the tip to the paper to be prepared to write down whatever Calum had to say.

"I do, believe me I want to. But I think I'm stuck. My friends are all good and I'm a mess." It was kind of hard for him to admit his true feelings.

"I'm highly impressed that you'd have the courage to admit that. That's the first step in the healing process, admitting that you're not alright." Dr Herman took some notes and Calum sighed once more.

"I guess I'm a little jealous that Ashton has been so strong through out this whole thing, and Luke Just seems so comfortable with his therapist and life, and Michael is even medicated and he's doing better than I am. What's wrong with me?" Calum threw his arms in the air in disbelief.

"The wrong thing to do is to compare yourself to other people. Some people take some time and need that extra push to get back to being themselves." Calum was trying really hard to listen to what Dr Herman was saying.

"It can take weeks even months till your back feeling yourself, Calum. You can't rush these kinds of things."Calum was trying so hard to agree with what the doctor was saying.

"It's not fair, I watched all my friends around me grieve naturally, and I couldn't even do that." Calum was disappointed yet again.

"Personally I believe that you were in denial for a really long time. I think you were trying to fight your mind into believing that what had happened didn't really happen." It was almost like Dr Herman could read Calum like a book.

"After awhile your brain must've come trained with that reality, Calum. Your mind wanted to make it seem like everything was normal and perfect when it wasn't." As much as Calum didn't want to learn the sad harsh truth he had no choice.

"I also think that you were embarrassed about your feelings toward the whole situation, and you were very worried about how others viewed you for your feelings." The words filled Calum's ears, he knew that, Dr Herman was right on the ball.

"Being in this band for nearly 8 years has come with a lot of crap - we were only kids when we starts out, now we're adults and it seemed like we always had to balance the world on our shoulders..." Calum began to trail off.

"We always wanted to be our truth authentic selves but every time we tried emphasize that, people would tell us we were lying that we were a group of liars, you know. That hurts."

"We also never liked our personal lives to be intruded upon but now we figured if we told the world our stance, our feelings it would help the people look up to us, and to the people who are struggling." Calum trailed off even more, Dr Herman just listened as Calum rambled.

"I'll never understand why the media had to come for my band, for wanting to reach out and to pull people up, in a tragic period in our lives. Just because we're Aussies, they have a huge problem with us speaking up..."

"I mean, One Direction are Brits, and they've done a lot of stuff for the last few months, I don't get why they weren't pulled apart, why us?"

There was a pause and Dr Herman went ahead and cut Calum off.

"Do you think if the band wasn't so open about the whole thing that it would've been better for your mental health?" It took Calum a few seconds to come up with an answer.

"Yes and no. Yes because I think I would've gotten through my grief and no because people would think were assholes for not lending a helping hand."

"Question: is it harder for you to speak about it, or is it harder for you to be silent about it?"

Calum started to get Deep in thought.

"I think a little of both - sometimes talking about it can be triggering for me, sometimes being silent about it makes me more panicked."

Dr Herman was impressed by Calum's answers.

"I think its important for you to talk about it when you need to, instead of letting all that pressure build up, its good to release it before you combust and fall apart."

Calum seemed to get more comfortable as the conversation went on.

"You also need to learn to occupy your time and mind. You need to learn to keep busy. Invest your time in music more and you should see an improvement in your well being."Calum nodded his head.

"Tomorrow afternoon, you're gonna be transferred back to the center and I'll have a brand new treatment written up for you." Calum thanked Dr Herman and Dr Herman left, leaving Calum alone with his thoughts.