The White Lilac

Chapter 1: Caryn

If I do this I will only have one week left to live. I stand near the edge of the practice aquarium unable to step forward. My heart pounds in my chest at the sight of the gray water and I am overwhelmed by the desire to hyperventilate again.

“Caryn, you need to focus,” Seventh Official Anderson says from somewhere behind me. “Are you listening?”

I swallow and nod, but I can’t take my eyes off the water. He steps between me and the aquarium and my focus readjusts to his dark blue suit and buttoned shirt. His tie is missing, like usual, probably stuffed in his pocket and his brown hair has been brushed through with his fingers one too many times so it sticks out beyond the dress code allowance. The dress code is not always enforced, but for today with so many important people watching, it could get him in trouble. The practice aquarium may look empty, like any other day we practice here, with its white concrete walls and quiet, stone floor leading from the entrance, surrounding the aquarium track, and ending at the showers, but I’ve seen the rooms that ring around the tinted glass of the underwater track and I imagine they are filled with people. All those people stuffed in rooms, unable to move freely, needing air.

“Listen,” Anderson says, snapping me back. “I know this is the Tournament and you are racing for the position, not for practice, but you need to breathe. I don’t want to carry you to Dr. Vos’ office today. Close your eyes and concentrate.”

The air in my chest shakes its way out of me as my eyelids close, yet the water still seems to glitter before me and the vice around my lungs keeps me from breathing in. I can’t help remembering the day Heather drowned four years ago. The sensations are too real, the weight of the water, the lack of oxygen, the sense of helplessness. All my nerves are on fire and already I can feel the water around me, suffocating me like it did her.

“Relax.” Anderson touches my shoulder. “If you want to lose, this fear will be the perfect excuse.”

“I don’t want to lose,” my voice whispers as I inhale. Silently I repeat this to myself over and over until I can breathe without shaking. I can’t lose, not after what I have done. I let Heather drown. I failed her when she needed me most, but I won’t fail again. It has to be me. It is the only way to make things right.

“Good, then keep breathing. This is not going to be easy, both May and Janissa want this and they have been training just as hard as you have. If you falter, they will beat you, but you are faster, stronger and more agile.”

“And I’m older,” I say. My back straightens and my breath steadies and deepens. I open my eyes to see Anderson’s face soften.

“You are older, but not by much. They know what they’re doing. You are not responsible for what happens to them, or for what happened to Heather.”

Anderson has said this before, but when he arrived the day of the drowning, Heather was already dead. Perhaps if he had seen how long I froze watching her suck in water or if he knew how my finger hovered over my panic button unable to press it, he would disagree. Or perhaps he would think differently if he knew she would smile at me as we walked to the pools, my thin body barely fitting in my swimsuit and my brow creased, and she would say, “Don’t worry about your time, just make me proud today.” It is all I ever wanted to do. It’s the only reason I’m here today, because if Heather were still alive she would be here and she wouldn’t want May or Janissa to die gathering the cure. But Heather’s not here and it falls to me to protect May and Janissa, even from themselves. It’s what Heather had done for me and I inherited the job.

I see Eighth Official Rafferty yelling in May’s ear while she nods and rolls her shoulders back to loosen her muscles. She’s thirteen and a half, but because of her shorter height, she could pass herself off as ten, at least that is what I have heard the staff here say. Janissa is taller, almost my height, even though she just turned thirteen a month ago. Her goggles are already in place as she bends over to touch her nose to her knees. Tenth Official Jones keeps patting her back, motioning at the water and pointing at the scoreboard. He is sweating and I see his lips form the word ‘win’ again and again.