Philophobia- (n.) a fear of love, falling in love
For me, it always begins with a sinking feeling. Its not dread exactly; it's more of a nervous churn deep down. It's a feeling of doubt and uncertainty. A thin shell of desire gives it a tolerable surface that somehow makes me all the more willing to accept the thing, and even in times of absolute certainty in its failure I allow myself to fall again, but I don't just fall. I fall into a spiral of nerves. I thrash and scream and tumble down into it, always much faster than I intend. I resist until I don't. I give up unto some strange faith that I will somewhere be caught. I let myself have faith that I won't fall entirely through. That is through the edge of the shell, into all that bad that sleeps inside. The surface will crack and my fears will seep into my skin, burying into me. I know that if I could slow my falling there would be no break. We all fear a broken heart. If it weren't the falling's fault for it, maybe it would be then be my responsibility. Any shell can be broken from either side. I will always be falling.
To me, this is a fear of love.
Then comes the heart. Some form of arms wrap themselves around my chest. The arms are always brittle but the deepest part of me doesn't want to break them for air. My whole heart feels solid and constricted. Maybe it is that pressure that makes it seem so full. A heavy chest releases my balance. My core tenses; my throat hardens. I can scream no more, or maybe that noise has died down already. I succumb to the arms that choke out my heart for sake of reassurance that I can love. Confusing, disorienting tension consumes me. I have never felt more relieved.
Old emotion constructs a new feeling inside me. An insect. It crawls within me, dissolving my skin and wrapping around my bones. I feel transparent. I itch to expel all that I am onto that person. I crave to wrap my life in them. I want to be exclusively transparent, but all people do not fall the same way. We land in different places. We can only hope that we land kindly, but if there were no hope in this, there would be no one to fall at all.
I fear the most extraordinary thing.
