who knew loving you would hurt so much

an: this is more sadder/angsty than my other fics so beware. i know my bio says fluff central but yeah.

the silence is almost deafening. well, it's not really silent because jihyo is crying in the passenger seat and sana is choking on her sobs, trying to hold them in. but the fact that no words have been said yet breaks sana's heart even more. she reaches out for jihyo's hand but the said girl only moves it away and sits it in her lap.

it's 11 o'clock at night and maybe it wasn't the perfect time to do it but there really is no perfect time to break up with the love of your life of four years. jihyo wipes her face and pushes her short hair back, sniffling. she breaks the silence with one word.

"why?"

her voice cracks a little and it comes out as a pained whisper and sana's stomach tightens. guilt flows through her but she couldn't just do this anymore. she hated to hurt jihyo this way but had this continued, sana would only be hurting herself.

"i-," she swallows roughly and glances at jihyo. "i just wasn't feeling it anymore," she answers. it's not one jihyo wanted. it's not what she wanted to hear. "that's it? you didn't think to just come to me? talk with me about it? your first thought was to break up with me?" the questions tumble out of jihyo's mouth without a break and sana grasps at the back of her neck, overwhelmed.

"no jihyo i- it wasn't my first thought. i talked it out with momo and-"

"you talked to your best friend but not me?"

"will you let me finish?"

jihyo faces the windshield and breathes out audibly. the air surrounding them was thick. sana felt like she was suffocating. she rolls down her window a bit, taking in the fresh air. it almost clears her mind. almost.

"i talked it out with momo because you were busy at the time. i should have brought it to your attention, i know, but there's some decisions i have to make on my own. i just feel like we're drifting, jihyo. we never have time for each other anymore. it's always soccer with me and student council with you. we're colliding but- but not the way we should be. i did this because i love you."

it takes a minute for jihyo to answer. she has to let the words sink in. she feels like her head is about to explode, like her body is on fire.

"sana, what do you want me to do? i can't have us end like this. i have to try, at leas," she asks quietly.

sana doesn't answer so she speaks again.

"i'll quit student council. i'll- i'll come to your practices. make every game. sana, just tell me what i need to do." jihyo's crying again. her ears are red and her eyes burn but her focus is on sana.

sana sniffles and wipes her eyes, gripping at the leather on her seat. "you can't quit student council, i won't let you. not for me. i've made my decision, jihyo. there's nothing you can do," she responds and her heart breaks more when jihyo lets out the loudest sob. jihyo wishes it would all stop. the pain, the heartbreak, the tears. she feels pathetic and she's sure she looks pathetic.

jihyo leans back against the seat and stares at the roof.

"so that's it? four years gone down the drain?" for some reason, the question angers sana.

"goddamnit, jihyo, what don't you get?" she yells and as jihyo gets ready to respond, she doesn't let her. "you think i'm going to forget the past four years once you step out of this car? i couldn't even if i tried. do you think of me so lowly?"

sana's crying harder than jihyo now and this night couldn't get any worse. jihyo stares down at her feet and doesn't say anything. she lets sana's cries resonate through the stiff air between them. she figures there really isn't much she could say. sana has made up her mind and if being with sana for four years has taught her anything, it definitely taught her that sana is stubborn. she doesn't change her mind easily.

minutes pass before sana lifts her head, wipes her face and turns the key in the ignition.

"i'll drive you home," she whispers and pulls off from the curb and onto the empty, dark road.

the drive was a quiet one. not a peaceful quiet though. a tension filled quiet. almost like there's something that should be said but no one was ready to say it. sana reaches for the radio to turn up the volume and of course, coaster by khalid had to be playing.

a couple of the lyrics sound through the car and she could feel the tears building in her eyes again. it's not before long that sana can't stand to hear the song anymore.

she shuts the radio off.

they pull up to jihyo's house and sit there. it wouldn't be said but neither one of them wanted to leave each other just yet.

"so, this is it?" jihyo asks, swallowing the lump in her throat. she knew the answer, she just wanted to hear it out loud one final time.

"look, this wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. quite frankly, it was the hardest thing i'll ever so in life. i'll always love you, jihyo. if we find our way back to each other then great and if we don't, we'll still be okay. you will still be my first love. my first kiss. my first girlfriend. all of my firsts and nothing will change that."

jihyo wishes that made her feel better and it did, but not enough. there's still this burning hole in her chest that she wishes would close. her throat feels tight and her stomach clenches. what sana said just put the nail in the box on them.

she meets sana's eyes and searches them. she still finds the same love she saw when sana first said the words to her. jihyo feels that there's nothing she can say right now so she only nods her head. sana frowns and places her hand on jihyo's cheek.

"i'll be here. we'll still be friends," she whispers and reaches up to kiss jihyo's forehead. the younger girl sighs and squeezes her eyes shut.

"that's the thing, sana. i can't be just friends with you. not right now. just being friends with you hurts me because all i've ever known was being the love of your life and you being mine. dimming our relationship down to friends doesn't work for me. i think- i think it's best that we don't talk. for now, at least," those words hurt jihyo more than what sana has said all night. she feels the tears coming again but she's strong enough to hold them back.

"okay. i can deal with that. i respect that," sana responds and caresses jihyo's cheek.

"goodbye, sana," jihyo speaks and she leans over to place a soft kiss on sana's cheek near the corner of her mouth before pulling back. their eyes linger on each other for a bit longer before jihyo pulls on the door handle and opens the car door. she takes a step out but she's pulled back in by sana and their lips are connected.

the same fireworks are there but they have no meaning anymore. sana tastes salt, the leftovers of jihyo's tears, and she feels guilty because she knows she's responsible for that. jihyo pulls back and brings a shaky hand to cover her lips.

"goodbye, jihyo."

with that, jihyo exits the car and runs into her house. she shuts the door behind her and places her back against it, sliding down to the floor. there, the dam breaks and she sobs uncontrollably into her hands.

sana rests her head against the headrest of her seat before punching the steering wheel. the pain courses through her hand but sana doesn't care, she hardly feels it.

who knew the greatest pain would be loving jihyo.

-

hello! sorry for the drought but i'm thinking about coming back here and writing some more. i miss writing loona and you guys seem to love my work here so i think that maybe it would be good to come back and write again. also, i know some of you want updates for code:lunar and lone wolf.

you can find this story on AO3, the link to my profile is in my bio. i changed up some words so don't suspect any thieving and what not.

i miss you guys btw ):

- a