Plunge

1

"Is this the real life?
  Is this just fantasy?
  Caught in a landslide
  No escape from reality"
  -Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

When I was 9 years old, my mother told me that not everyone I was ever going to meet was like me. Not everyone tries to make the best of themselves, or wakes up everyday with a smile on their face like I did. She told me that some people were scared. Of what? Mom told they were scared of life; scared to wake up and get out of bed and face the world. I didn't understand- what was so wrong with our world? What would they fear?

Now I know. 

Your parents coming in your room, waking you up, telling you everything will get better. Having to get out of bed, having to stop sleeping, to stop dreaming of better places. Walking around, talking, eating, drinking, living. The normal habits of everyday life. And it was fear. Fear of rejection, of disappointment. I found out no one was perfect, and that I was never going to be.

Why wouldn't people like me? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I thought everyone was friends with each other and there was no violence or let-downs or fear. Soon, people started showing me that there was such a thing. Fights broke out, me being the victim, and words were released, embedding themselves in my mind, planning to stay a while. A long while.

I didn't want to live anymore. In this world, this life, anyway. Not reincarnation. I thought there was something more out there. Another place, better than this one. A land without crime, disease, death- fear. I was afraid of this world. I wanted to find this other place. I wanted to leave here and move there and never come back. But where was there, and how was I supposed to find it?

At first, I started with internet research. Instead of doing work at the office, I searched perfect societies. Utopias, they were called. I found all of them- Sir Thomas More, Plato's Republic, Edward Bellamy's Looking Backward- but none of what I wanted. None of them were perfect enough. I knew they weren't real. I was so selfish then.

The work I had, the deadlines coming up, didn't seem so important then. So they piled up. One stack at home and two at the office, and a few more in the car. I was obsessed. I wanted something and would stop at nothing to get it. Soon enough, people got angry. I ignored phone calls, emails, texts, everything. I had no contact with anyone else. I had isolated myself from society. It was only me and my thoughts.

I kept looking. It took months for me to find the truth. The horrible, sickening truth.

There was nothing else. There was nothing better than this. Utopia was just a myth. Something to keep you going. A make-believe subject for people to wonder about for centuries. A fantasy. I wasn't looking for a fantasy, but a reality. So I made my own.

And now I'm here. I don't get to see my parents walk in every morning. I hardly see anyone now. Traveling to work, like I used to do, walking into my office. Even the little things one can hardly remember. Like turning on my desk light, checking my email, going over sketches and plans and making decisions. I had something with my life. And now I'm stuck in a small room with nothing. 

Nothing except you.

___

Hope you like it.x