Boxed In

Chapter One: Every Gem is not a Diamond

The more you see, the more you know. Who knew a woman could be so vindictive, conniving, manipulative, stone cold evil. She was no match for the weak, little did she know she had herself boxed in. Inspired by Carmen (HipHopera) & Netflix She's Gotta Have It.

Aspen Moore

My grandmother sat me down and told me either men will run me or I will run men. What did I look like letting any man run me?

There was nothing given to me on this earth that wasn't meant for me, because everything I came across or experienced was meant for me. My grandmother told me that too. She gave me a lot of advice, more than I could have ever asked for.

I was instructed with the advice she gave me to use it wisely and if I didn't, shit wouldn't go my way. I guess I can't have it my way all the time. I'm stubborn, little, yet a loud soul that you can't erase from your memory because I leave such a mark on you—almost like a scar you have to look at until the day you turn back to dust. Temporary was nothing short of my vocabulary. I never kept a lot of friends, my relationships always burned up before my eyes, and family came and went out of my life. It's so easy living a life of not getting attached to people because you know they'll leave you soon just like the rest, or so I convinced myself that. I often think I don't see the bigger picture when it comes to protecting my soul and saying fuck everyone else's'. It's selfish to be quite honest, but I just don't see how I could care more for anyone than myself because I'm always busy trying to protect and feed my soul. One day I feel as if it will catch up to me like every traumatic life ends, grasping onto me for dear life like a lynch and never letting go.

Hear me out, my first impression to the world is arrogant, manipulative, the list can really go on and not end. But granite it's all I've known since I was a little girl. My mother raised me on the east side of Chicago, and for the remainder of my childhood I lived with my grandmother Gia. My mother was the devil on my left shoulder while my grandmother was the angel on my right shoulder. I was always tempted to treat others how they treated me or worse, but my grandmother told me I had to stop and look around at how many people I was losing. The people I lost couldn't have given a fuck about me, so I continued to treat people the way they treated me.

I know I have a lot more growing up and evolving to do but I get caught up in the mix and wrong souls that trap me in this whirlpool of bad spirits.

The paper I rolled about twenty minutes ago continued to burn slowly into the atmosphere of the city skyline. The tinted pinks and blues shifted into deep purples that made me admire nature.

Yes my mind was lifted like the clouds that settled behind skyscrapers a mile from me, but nature was still just as beautiful sober. I take in every aspect and environment I enter because I like to analyze—know my surroundings and people I surround myself with. I know who I surround myself with and still choose to stay in toxic friendships and situations. I couldn't find a peace of mind because I never lost my mind. I keep myself occupied, busy, spontaneous, and on the move. I don't hesitate to complete a change of scenery and don't put much thought into anything I do. I expect my initial thoughts to prove myself right every time no matter how many times I fail.

I pressed my fingertips further into the paper and inhaled sharply, letting the bud die out against my ash tray sitting on my lap. Focusing in on the moment I was startled by the vibration of my phone ringing on the small coffee table to the left of me. I placed the ash tray onto the table and picked up my phone. Darryl's name appeared across the top of the screen. This had been the second time he called me in five minutes, I'm praying it's urgent because I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and prepare for my long day tomorrow.

"What's up?" My eyebrows furrowed and my pupils darted around the scenery of my balcony and towards the setting sun.

"I got a lot on my mind, I'm trying to unwind for the day and I can't until I let you know how I feel." He expressed in a serious tone.

I wasn't looking forward to a serious conversation about feelings, emotions, and attachments..and I knew this is exactly what Darryl wanted to talk about. Darryl deserves someone who will tend to him and it's just not me. As a woman many men have told me I'm the least feminine woman they have ever met. I don't care enough, show emotions, or fulfill the expectations of a woman's responsibilities. I don't however set boundaries for myself, I'm very free-spirited, a go getter and have endless confidence I don't need to be in a relationship to make myself happy. So yes I enjoy having many sexual partners. It doesn't exploit who I am regarding my sexuality either. I refuse to put myself in a box and be the typical female—not after how many times a man has shown me their true colors. I didn't see my actions as getting even, but not everyone is built the same.

"What's on your mind Darryl?" I removed myself from the comfortable chair on my balcony and slipped back inside shutting the sliding door behind me. Heading to my fridge to find something to snack on before I escaped my reality into bed for the day.

"I can't seem to understand you. You're hard to figure out. You're not the typical girl I'm used to. I don't chase women, they usually chase me. But with you it's different. I find you losing commitment. Your brain is shifted and I'm just trying to align, but you won't give me a sign. When we're together we just talk and don't stop until we reach the end of what I feel is vulnerability. You get in my mind, figure me out and I'm still trying to see you for who you really are. I just need to know how you feel about me before I put some of my pride to the side for you Aspen." Darryl hadn't said a word I hadn't heard before. I couldn't see how he thought he knew nothing about me.

"Darryl-"

"Penny." He trotted right after I said his name.

"I'm not used to opening up like I used to, so I'm just letting you know. I think your soul is beautiful but maybe this is a no go. I don't invest myself into situations that involve my heart because I'm always following my gut from the start. I think a man will show me his heart and break mine in the process. I'm always looking out for me because nobody has me better than me. Now you over here calling me Penny. You want to gain my validation and respect over a little rhyme and reason, no I can't let this off so easy..." My fingers ran over a container of fruit I cut up earlier in the day, I grabbed it and trailed my hallway to my lit bedroom.

"Damn you all gas no breaks, I just showed you the real me not the fake. I'm showing you all of me and all I get from you is a blurry x-ray. Let me guess you over me, now you wanna take control of me. Put my feelings in a box, shove them to a corner and lock the key to the vault."

I rolled my eyes and hopped onto my bed, curls bouncing from the vibrancy of the springs on my bed. My head laying against my plush pillows. "Darryl this ain't my fault. I told you this from the start...I'm not what you want. You deserve more and now you just got to soar. Reach for the stars but not me, I'm too far. I'd wish you the best of luck but I'd rather just have one last fuck." I bit down into my lips and listened to him breathe down the line anticipating his response. The call ended and left me abruptly surprised.

Can't please everyone. I admit Darryl doesn't know me as well as I know him and that's because I knew the knocks at my door twenty minutes later were from him. The pressure has been applied. I'd call myself a diamond in the rough but my grandmother calls me a gem, and every gem is not a diamond.