A Handmaid's Tale Fanfic

Gabe

I haven't written in a while. Months, possibly.  Helen has grown a resentment towards me. We have had our "ceremony" a few times but I haven't conceived yet. The commander has a virility problem. It's a very awkward ceremony to say the least. I lie down against her, he enters the room and has sex with "her" while putting his penis in me. Helen is supposed to hold me against her, but she just lies there, silent and still. The pain was excruciating at first, but I have learned to zone out, detach my mind from what is happening to me. I choke back the tears. Andrew will continue to fuck me, the minutes go by. But he can't orgasm. Eventually he gives an awkward smile and pulls up his pants. He has orgasmed once or twice but usually it ends with a heavy sigh from him with an apology. Afterwards, she tells me to leave. None of us speak about it but it has become an elephant in the room whenever we are together. She gets angrier with every menstrual cycle I have. Some of the other handmaids have conceived but I have not been able to. I've heard through the whispers many of the handmaids will have sex with other men to get pregnant. I fear this is the route I will have to take. If I do not conceive their child, I will be sent to the colonies. I've never been there but I have been told about them. People work until they die. They sleep in horrible conditions, spread diseases, eat bare rations. I just hope the commander will be able to keep his erection long enough to fill me and I can get on with a pregnancy.

When I walk to the market, I sometimes go with another handmaid, Ofleonard, but always with an armed guard who walks between us. We are forbidden to speak, and we wear a cloth over our mouths. Even so, we have learned to understand each other's mumbling.

Today, unlike other days, Ofleonard did not arrive. A guard waited in a car and when I went to the gate he got out of the car to walk with me. Our eyes met, he was not the guard who usually escorted me. Although he had a gun, it was strapped behind his back, and he did not have a helmet. His hair was dark, and he had a shadow of facial hair on his face. I had looked too long at him, and I quickly looked down.

"Blessed day," he said softly. I nodded. I turned to walk and he walked beside me. The silence continued for a while, occasionally his two-way radio spoke, but he stayed silent. When we turned the corner, he glanced casually behind him, then continued walking with me.

"Ofleonard was hanged," he softly said while looking forward.  I stopped and looked at him in horror.  Without being able to control myself, I whispered "what?" in a harsh tone. Luckily my mouth cloth muted it.

He did not look at me. "Keep walking Ofandrew."  I felt fear and sadness course through me. I put my hands to my face.

"Ofandrew, you must keep walking if you want to stay alive." His words had become almost a growl through his teeth. He began walking again. As much as I wanted to fall to my knees and cry, I followed him, trying to catch up.

"Ofleonard was found with a cellphone.  When they went through the phone, they found records of conversations with members of the resistance. In her conversations she spoke in code, but one person she spoke of was a handmaid who's commander is a limp dick." He motioned his fingers like making a quotation.  "She spoke of many handmaids, and the people in the resistance were trying to locate them. They had been planning to take the handmaids hostage."

Liar, I thought to myself. They had been trying to help them to freedom. I had learned a lot since I became a handmaid. There was a network of people trying to overthrow Gilead as they had overthrown the previous government. We had learned about Ofjoseph - her true name was June - she was an idol, a heroine, her name was whispered amongst handmaids as a hope for the rest of us. As much as the commanders fought to erase her name, she had been the beginning of hopefully ending Gilead.

"After they found the phone, she was hanged in the street."  The guard paused, his voice had become almost silent. "We all know Commander Mitchell's issue with impotence. I knew she was speaking of you."

I looked into his eyes. They were a soft blue, and there were small lines around them showing his tiredness. Could he be an ally? I would never be stupid enough to trust a guard, but there was something about him, a glimmer of a human being under his emotional armor. "Why are you telling me this?"

His eyes glanced down the street towards the market, then back at me. "The only way for you to survive, for now, is to make them think you are pregnant."

I shook my head. "If you're looking to get laid, I'm not interested. I'd rather go to the colonies than—"

"No, you wouldn't!" He hissed. "My parents died in the colonies, they are concentration camps. I'm not looking to get laid, I would never subject my child to this hell. But we have donors, I'm offering this to you. I could get killed for doing this."

And he was right. If I told Andrew or Helen about this, he would be hanged within hours. I looked towards the market, then back at him. "Why are you doing this?"

His eyes closed and he inhaled deeply. "Ofleonard — Marie was her real name — was my friend. I know this is what she would've wanted. Look, I will walk you to the market and home. I know men who donate their sperm and I can bring it to you in a vial. If you get pregnant, you will be of value to them. They will not hurt you. Then..." he paused.

I searched his eyes. "Then? Then what?"

"Then, we can try to get you out of Gilead." He held the gaze for a moment longer, then turned away and walked towards the market. "Think about it."

Could this be real? Was he setting me up? All emotions coursed through me. Could I have the chance of being free?

"What is your name?" I softly asked.

He briefly stopped and looked back at me. "Gabe. My name is Gabe." Gabe turned back and kept walking towards the market.