Never give up hope

The morning started as every other morning me waking up to my alarm. If I don't stop the ringing I will be in more shit as I am already. Trying to stand up with my sore back means already shit day for me because I won't be doing much as I normally do what only means one thing and one thing only more beatings for me. There are days I just want to give up but I tried taking my own life trust me its not worth the beating I gotten that day.
I love him so much but I'm starting to hate him for what he is becoming,he never was like this but he lost his job and started to drink. I hate anything to do with alcohol it changes a person just like that.
Last night after I made a lovely dinner what we both enjoyed I thought we could have a quite night at home watching some movies,how wrong was I to think everything would be fine. I didn't see I messed a little water in the floor while washing the dishes so after I made us some popcorn I was walking out the kitchen not looking where I was walking I slip on the water while trying to make sure I won't fall the popcorn bowl slipped out of my hands and it broke and the popcorn went everywhere! Looking scared to the kitchen door I tried picking up everything before he came,how stupid can I be!He came in storming shouting how useless I can me,like I didn't know already he doesn't need to say it out loud. Oh no the look in his eyes I probably said that out loud.
Whimpering i looked up at him, that was a very bad move because he just started kicking me and hitting me. I tried moving away but he went for my face,I couldn't even block him! The glass from the bowl was digging in my arms, I started to faint from the blood lost but he stopped just looking down at me. I only could hear him say to clean after myself before hearing the door close after he left. Looking up to the roof I keep thinking to my self why do I stay,why do I keep letting him do what he wants to me. Oh I know why because I don't have a sent on me,no money,no house,no clothes and no work. He told me I don't have to work because he will look after me and now after 5 years this is his way of looking after me who does that? He went out again with his friends,after each beating he does that so I never wait up for him. I wish he never lost his job back then,we where so happy. We went out a lot,had friends and family over but now he won't let anyone see me. After a while I started to move so that I can clean this up before he gets home I can't take another beating. It will kill me if he beats me again. The pain I'm feeling now only means one thing he broke some of my ribs again. I can't even go to the hospital he's friends are everywhere so if they see me and tell him then I won't see the light tomorrow. After a while I pulled my self up and start cleaning up this mess. Finish at last I make my way slowly up the stairs to the guest bathroom getting in the shower with my clothes on. Falling on the floor I start crying the water taking my tears with it, I can't take any of this anymore but if I leave where can I go,I can't get a job,he won't let me leave the house. I really don't know what to do anymore maybe I can kill myself before he comes back but with what? Looking around the bathroom I see he took the mirror of also in here like in our bathroom,that is a story for another day. Taking of my clothes slowly I start washing my body,I can't reach everything because of the pain but this will do for now. Getting out just gave me more pain so I crawled to the guest bedroom. I won't make it to our room so I was naked from head to toe I didn't even dry off,we don't keep any towels in the guest bathroom if no one is here. I just crawled to the corner of the room to scared and sore to move to the bed and curled up trying not to cry of the pain. Falling asleep is difficult now a days because of the nightmares I get. I know when morning come there will be more beatings but I'm safe for now that's all what counts for me. I only feel safe if he leaves the house yes I'm lonely but I will choose that then the pain he gives me. I wish my dad was never against gay people but my mom also never stopped him when he told me to get out of his house. I never should of listen to my friend when he told me I should just come out to my parents like he did to his. Till to this day I wonder how they are doing... I don't hate them for what they did but because they did that I went to live with my boyfriend and look what it did to me now I'm here and in pain. I don't know how long my body can take this anymore but if I die I would die happy knowing I will be gone of this pain and this place. Looking around the room once more I close my eyes and try to get some sleep before he comes home and want something from me.