BTWRITES: RUBY

▸ Not A Wasted Chance

NOT A WASTED CHANCE
A Collaboration between
Bluweryn and SYNNICALS

▪

I had been hiding the secret for so long now - even my two best friends for eight years had no idea about it.

My change in attitude had been apparent too, from being a confident and sociable girl to being someone close-off and shy. No, shy isn't the right word for it - I'm scared, scared of uttering words that will ruin someone's life once again.

It's been a year since it happened. Three hundred sixty-five days of being emotionally unstable and trying to hide it behind an indifferent mask.

Every get-together invite from my family, every hang-out offer with friends, every college party request from my blockmates had been turned down. I knew my 'I'm busy' card is now overused to the point that every person around me have noticed my sudden change.

I'm just waiting for someone to actually ask me about it. Maybe Jisoo or Rose, or my mom even - but whoever it is, I'm admittedly not ready yet.

Besides, do I have the right to share my pain? I don't think so. This was my karma. I deserve to carry this weight until the day I die.

Dying.

Even dying became an option to me, it seems blissful - my only escape. But I'm afraid of meeting her again. Will we even meet? Oh how could I forget, I'm not worthy to meet her again. Once I die, I'll go straight to hell. While her - she's in heaven now, the place where she belongs.

I must be in hell. I'm the reason of her death in the first place.

"Everyone's looking for you."

I looked beside me, where the low-baritone voice came from. I was confused at first as my thoughts were all over the place. Until I finally realized that he's really there - sitting beside me.

"I've already texted Rose, you can start eating without me." I replied, momentarily glancing at him. I then turned my eyes back to the empty soccer field in front of me, completely ignoring him again.

"What happened?" He silently uttered after a long pause.

"What do you mean?"

I felt his hand holding my shoulder at first, before he softly pushed it making me turn to him. "What happened to you?" He asked, as he looked straight to my eyes.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I even shrugged to prove my nonchalance.

"You've changed."

His words made me stiffen on my seat. Of all the people I expected to confront me, he is the last one on my list - I doubt he's even on the list.

We were never that close. Beside greeting each other from time to time, we never bonded like how friends usually do. We're just in the same circle of friends and that's it.

Now that I think of it, this is the first time we actually had a one-on-one conversation like this. And we've been in one group for almost three years now.. ah I knew why;

He was my crush.

"Why? Is change a big deal now? Everyone's bound to change at one point in their lives." I snapped at him. I really get over sensitive when people tries to question the things I do in my life, especially this part of me. This part of me that is so ashamed of what had happened a year ago. The shame that I will burry with me forever.