October

Selfish cravings

Claire was being a social butterfly, chatting casually with people left and right in the small, noisy apartment. I had decided to leave her to it instead of trying to keep up with her, seeing as I wasn’t in a stable mood. Instead, I had relocated myself to the far corner of the living room, from where I absentmindedly watched her.

My eyes slipped to the right and I noticed Alex, making his way towards me through the crowd of sweaty, drunken bodies. As our eyes met, he smiled and I swallowed, looking the other way, hoping that he’d leave if I ignored him.

I knew that I shouldn’t be rude to him; the way that he and Claire acted around each other made it clear that they were close. In other words; if I wanted to be around her, I would have to be around Alex as well. Which meant that, if I was clever, I would rather try to be his friend than try to ignore him.

Yet, for some reason, I couldn’t. Every time our eyes met I was reminded of the way he looked at me when we met on that train. Alex had seen me break, even if only slightly, and that unnerved me. After all, the reason why I was around Claire was to forget about my weak self, to suppress it until it cease to exist. But Alex could mess this up; he could tell Claire what he saw and she would surely think of it as strange.

Alex didn't turn around though and I cringed as he rounded two persons heavily making out a few meters in front of me. I couldn’t just walk away now, that would be too obvious and childish. So instead, I poured even more alcohol down my throat, hoping that it would calm my nerves.

My eyes flickered towards him again. He was close now, yet not close enough to start a conversation over the sounds of the party. He was still smiling and I tried to take deep breaths to prepare myself. I just needed to be polite; it shouldn’t be too hard. But it was hard; Alex stressed me out and stress made everything hard. My hands were clammy.

“Hi Keaton, are you enjoying the party?” Alex said as he reached me and I couldn’t stop myself from giving him a deadpanned look. I was drinking alone in a corner; surely I didn't appear to enjoy myself.

Be nice.

“Eh, yeah..” I said, forcing a quick smile before taking a swing from my beer.

Alex raised an eyebrow at my vague answer, now grinning. “You don’t need to be polite. Actually, I don’t like parties much either.” He said, leaning back against the wall, making himself comfortable beside me.

I nodded and smiled again, pretending that I agreed. There was no need to tell him that I usually didn’t mind parties this much; that the problem with this one was that I felt paranoid about acting too drunk around Claire yet had downed more alcohol than usual just to feel less anxious around him. “So how come you’re throwing one?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

Alex made a face at that, shrugging. “It’s more Phil’s party than mine, he was the one who wanted to have one.”  

I nodded to show that I was listening while drinking from my beer. I wasn’t a huge fan of beer but it was cheaper and less likely to be stolen at a party than the other alcohol found in my cupboards.

“You know, you look even more tired today than you did last time I saw you.” Alex suddenly spoke and I froze.

Why did he say that?

Who said something like that? I looked over at him, at his dumb, open face and relaxed posture, as if he was talking about something as casual as the weather.

“Blunt much?” I bit back.

Be nice.

No. He made it too hard to be nice. 

A blush spread across Alex’s cheeks when he noticed my angered expression and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Damn, I’m sorry. That’s probably rude.” He rambled, fingering the red plastic cup in his hand nervously. “It’s just that you looked so sad back at that train and now, now you just look like you haven’t slept for days and I’m just… I don’t know, if you’re gonna be involved with Claire then-“