The Diary of Ryan Ross

chapter three

September 1st, 2004

I wrote brendons name on my wrist. Sarah felt inclined to point it out during biology.

"I think it's cute that you like brendon." she whispered.

"cute?"

"you're writing his name on your wrist, not focusing in class-"

"to be fair, I never pay attention." she smiled and turned back to her notes. I drew a heart around Brendon's name. I could just picture his face in my head: his crooked nose and full, busted up lips. his perfect jawline. his dark hair concealing his enormous forehead. every facial feature that would look like shit on anyone else make his face look like perfection.

there's this kid that sits in the seat next to mine. his name is Dan Keyes or something and he looks like a fucking stoner. great name, shitty personality from what I've noticed. he threw a pen at my face.

"hey fag, quit daydreaming about your boyfriend and write down some notes." Sarah grabbed the pen and threw it back to him.

"shut the fuck up, asshole. we all know you're gay, too."

"whatever you say, Orzechowski."

I scrawled a few notes on my paper before the bell rang. finally lunch. I ran for the door, a trail of my notes behind me.

"mr. ross, a word." my teacher said. shit.

"mr. Hall?" he crossed his arms and leaned against his desk.

"have a seat, please." I obeyed, sitting at the nearest desk. "it's only the second month of school and i've noticed that your attention span is, well... very short. you seem to be so caught up in your arm that you're failing to pay attention in my class."

"mr. hall, I can-"

"no need to explain, Ross. please start paying attention or im afraid I will have to pull your grade down. get to class."

I gathered my books and hurried toward the door. Sarah was waiting.

"jesus, ry. what happened?"

"mr. hall busted me for not paying attention."

"ah fuck him. he doesn't get teenagers." I thought for a second about what it must be like to be him, draped against a marker board, preaching the same lesson every hour to a bunch of delinquents who give you nothing but disrespect.

"he puts up with a lot of our shit. he deserves an award." she waved it off and we hurried to lunch.

Spencer and Jon were fighting when I got to the table. brendon had his head slumped against the table. Sarah nudged me and I sat next to brendon. she slid in the seat next to jon.

"Jesus Christ jon, im not in love with dal-"

"shut the fuck up. You're obviously not into me anymore. maybe you could show-"

"get fucked, widespread."

"by you?" jon half smiled. Spencer rolled his eyes. I looked over at brendon.

"hey. bren, are you okay?" he mumbled something under the table. "what?"

"I like that. no one calls me bren."

"oh, I'm sor-"

"ryan. I just said 'i like that.' please keep calling me bren." I smiled and turned to my sandwich. my dad doesn't know that I still don't like peanut butter so I just kinda stare at it. "oh, by the way? nice wrist, ryan." my heart sped up. I looked at my wrist.

fuck.

I looked over at brendon. he winked and turned away. I turned red and Sarah obviously noticed.

"breezy looks beautiful today, right? who agrees?"

I raised my hand. Spencer almost raised his hand, but moved his hand to his hair.

"nice try, Spencer." jon whispered. Spencer bit his lip. all I could think about was how I was going to explain my wrist to brendon.

on the bus ride home, I turned to brendon.

"listen, im sorry about the wrist thing. I just- i wasn't thinking and-"

"ryan, don't worry about it. it doesn't bother me and you're still my friend." I nodded. he put his hand on my knee. "after today, probably my best friend. Spencer and jon's fighting gets on my nerves and Sarah is always looking at breezy."

"if im the only candidate for your best friend, you need to reconsider yourself."

"oh get over yourself. you're amazing and nice and cute and all around a great guy." cute. I'm cute.

the driver stopped and our stop. he stood up and I slid out of my seat. brendon walked off the bus. I was a few seats away from the door before my face hit the ground. I felt a shoe on my back.

"hey fag, aren't you gonna get up? where's your boyfriend now?" Keyes.

"get your fuckin' foot off of him, Dan." I looked up. sitting next to Dan was that Dallon kid. his sister sat behind them.

"Dan, I swear to god. stop being a prick." he released me and I ran off the bus.

"what was that all about?" brendon asked.

"just tripped. nothing major." I walked to my house. my dad sat on the couch.

"hey, ryan. how was school?"

"fine."

"any homework?" I shook my head. "are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I ran for the stairs and locked myself up in my room. fuck Keyes and fuck brendon's perfect face. fuck Sarah for being my friend and fuck Spencer and jon for being a shitty couple. fuck me for being alive.

I opened my window and sat in my tree. brendon's beautiful music wouldn't be filling my ears today. even if he were to play guitar today, I wouldn't listen. I can't listen to his music knowing he knows about my secret. I closed my eyes for a minute.

when i opened my eyes, it was dark.

I climbed back inside. the lights in the hallway were off. dad must be asleep. I crawled into bed without changing. sleeping in my clothes had become something of a habit.

so long and goodnight.

ry.

a/n I hate this story tbh.