There was a moment in time in which I thought I saw who you were and it was beautiful, but now I see that we are constantly changing and to ask someone to stay the same is unimaginable.
We didn't go together at all, we met because we were assigned to sit next to each other in Human Behavior. We weren't even in the same majors I was a Law major and you were here for med school. There is nothing more tragic than our passing by of each other.
We really were never meant to meet, the way our lives were constructed. I was running and you were fulfilling your family's dreams. How could we be so different but want each other so much? I ask myself that often, I'm sorry for how I ended things.
-
"I'm Hassan," he leaned over and extended his hand towards me over my desk.
I turned towards him and I had a questioning expression about me. I hesitantly extended my hand to his. "Virginia," I spoke and turned to my ratty bag to retrieve my old notebook and halfway used pencil that I had found on the ground on the way to class.
"I like your jeans, they are very interesting," his voice was clearly British and slightly Indian, given his name and his accent, and not to mention his lighter brown skin tone, it was safe to assume that he was Indian himself.
My jeans; definitely warn and very much a part of me. I was slowly but surely embroidering my way up the legs, with things that enchant me. It was magnificent work, I took quite a bit of pride in it. They were the only pair of jeans I had when I could leave home.
"Thank you, I've been adding to it over the years," I instinctively touched my leg, where a blank space was.
"Well, it's absolutely brilliant, I actually-"
"Welcome to Human Behavior, some of you are here for psychology, medicine, law, criminal justice, forensics, social work, and teachers, which shows you how this subject is necessary across many scopes of life."
We were off from there, I could tell the professor was studying us, the way she marked on her attendance sheet based on how talkative the pairing was. It intrigued me, though she never marked my name.
Hassan sat slightly closer to me than I would have liked. Our similarities were ever vacant, but I was persistent. I tried my best to overcome my social anxiety for him, he was sweet and his smile made me smile, well it made everyone smile.
-
Thinking back to the beginning of you and me it makes things even more complicated in my head. I was me, recluse, trying to figure out my life on a day to day basis, how I managed to make it out of Oxford with a degree has me turning. I was nothing like you, I made friends with my roommates out of a survival instincts, but with you it was natural, you were so naturally you.
I would laugh and push your shoulder for making a dirty joke and you seemed to smile more. It was slow, we would tap the table with the erasers of our pencils in order to acquire each other's attention, then we started tapping each other's hands, nudging one another. I did mention you sat really close to me, maybe I did lean in every once in a while, but you were just so warm in everything you did.
-
"There's a get together in my dorm's common rom, would you want to come? We can even sit in the corner and observe everyone's human behavior if that interests you more," Hassan suggested to me as we turned in our papers. I glanced over at the professor and I saw she was smiling in the slightest as she looked down at her computer intently.
"I actually have a large amount of research papers to sort through, then I might get called into work, I'm not sure," I was trying my hardest to avoid sounding like a lame excuse, because it wasn't.
But I guess my voice and face said I was telling the truth, or Hassan was just understanding.
"I'll see if I can stop by for a bit in between my chaos," I offered.
"I'll see you around V," he walked away, swinging his messenger bag across his body, smiling, but when was Hassan ever not smiling.
-
I remember your smile, so bright, so warm, so natural. I also remember the one time you didn't smile, but only with me around; when I broke your heart
I saw more of you in those few moments I had with you than I did sitting in that classroom. Both moments necessary to bring us here.
-
"Hey V! You made it!" Hassan raised his hands in my direction, which both had drinks in them. "Just in time for a game of spin the bottle," he put the cups down, took my coat and bag and put them across the back of a chair nearby and he put his hands on my shoulders and guided me to sit in the forming circle on the floor. "We couldn't think of anything better to play." He took a seat diagonal to me. It was a pretty decent split of half and half.
We only made it around twice, I kissed a girl, Leslie I think her name was, and a boy, Michael, I didn't know him, but he was Hassan's friend.
I mostly browsed the book shelves that covered the south facing wall. Some guys did come over and say hi, but none really stuck around.
The gathering was nearing an end, which felt soon, due to the fact I showed up so late.
Eventually the only people left were Hassan's dorm mates. I helped Hassan and his buddies clean up. "Did you get any drinks?" He asked as I threw many cups in the trash bag he held.
"I don't drink; it's disgusting," I scrunched my nose.
"Well I make a mean cuppa if your interested after we're done cleaning up, which I really appreciate your help with, by the way."
"I know how exhausting hosting a party can be."
-
We sat by the window and talked until the sunrise come over the courtyard. I remembered how your eyes were golden for a moment, like honey in the sun. This might have been the moment I decided that being around you made me feel same way your eyes lit up, like honey in the sun, golden.
-
Hassan would meet with me at the library and that became our spot. Most of the time we were too occupied by our work to acknowledge each other's presence, but it felt comforting to simply sit by him.
On weekends I found myself sitting in our spot, reading a book I picked up on my way through the library. Hassan, if he wasn't otherwise occupied for the weekend, would find me there and he vented to me.
I became his confidant and I knew he didn't share the things he said to me with anyone else, I could see it in the way he looked around.
I felt like I wanted to tell him things about my family too, and over time, I told him about my abusive family and the trailer park I grew up in. He didn't judge me, he just listened and he shook his head at how ridiculous. "How could someone treat a person like you so awfully? V, you are literally the nicest person I know, with no agenda." I could see he wanted to shout it, he was angry or frustrated, but he simply reached over and held my hand instead.
-
You were like a knight in shining armor and it was nice to have someone on my side for once in my life. A strong, smart, and most importantly kind person. It was a breath of fresh air in the long hard life I had lived so far.
-
Hassan would hold my hand when we were walking. I thought it was for me, but it was more for him. We would be walking with his friends - I guess they could be considered mine too now - and he would just hold my hand. We weren't a couple and I was a bit taken back, but I knew people had coping mechanisms for things, so I let him.
Sometimes I would see the slight distress in his eyes and I'd take his hand to distract or comfort him and it became routine.
-
Holding your hand was nice. I remember we would be sitting in the library and I would see you looking at me and I'd look up and you'd smile, which made my face heat up, I'm sure I was blushing like crazy.
I'm convinced your friends thought we were dating or something with the way we were hanging out and holding hands.
-
It was finals week and Hassan was no screw around so I knew he'd be studying in our spot. I sat down and I started unpacking my things for the several classes I was taking. I sighed after taking out my many books and I looked out the window, it was snowing.
It was very light and not sticking at all, but it was beautiful.
It was already eight at night, I only had four hours to study in the library, but I leaned over to Hasan and whispered, "It's snowing, come on." I motioned him to follow me to the nearest door.
He got up and took my hand in his as we hurried outside.
Magical, breathtaking, snow always brought something more to the world.
I am not sure how long we stood outside before I started to shiver, it might have been only five minutes.
Hassan hugged me to warm me up, "I think it's time to go inside," he whispered.
We studied until the library closed, we walked out together, the snow had stopped. He turned and said, "There's a party after finals are finished in my common room, I hope you'll come."
"Sure, I'll try and be on time this time," I smiled and we went our separate ways.
-
The main thing I remember about finals is being stressed the few minutes before it started and then afterwards not thinking it was as bad. It's not like I ever skipped class or missed my tutorials. The only thing besides school was work, and I really loved working in a bookstore.
-
I didn't dress up at all, a chunky sweater and the nicest jeans I had, or at least, could find and were clean. It was extra loud and reeked of alcohol.
Seventeen by Troye Sivan played on the speakers.
"V!" Hassan found me before I could find him.
"Hey," I smiled.
"I'm actually really glad you came, because I've never seen you with a cell phone, I needed to ask you in person: what are your plans for the break?" He didn't smell of alcohol at all.
"Just working, probably going to get ahead in reading for next term," I shrugged opening a can of soda.
"I want you to come and celebrate Christmas with me and my family, nothing too formal, I just know that you shouldn't be alone for the holidays, especially because you're my best friend V."
"I'm your best friend?" I couldn't help but smile and be taken back a bit.
"Of course you are," he sounded like I was insane. "Am I not your best friend?"
"Well, you're my only friend." And it's true, he was my only friend.
"Well, it's a good thing I invited you for the holidays, who knows what you would have done without me," and we socialized with his friends.
He would be laughing and he'd look over at me, our smiling eyes meeting. He made me happy, just to know I had a friend in this world.
-
I wasn't sure what to expect, meeting your family for the first time. We weren't dating and I didn't know much about your family circumstances.
Maybe it was better that your family thought we were friends. I don't think they'd take it well when I broke your heart.
-
There was a light snow covering the fields as we drove. I didn't really have time to sightsee the country since I got here. I looked at Hassan as we drove. His eyes would glance at me and smile if he found me looking, he held my hand for a good portion of the ride. I fell asleep two hours in. It was only a three hour drive.
"Hey, V, wake up, we're here," Hassan whispered, squeezing my hand.
I stretched and rubbed my eyes. It was definitely snowing more than I'd bargained for, but it was nevertheless gorgeous.
"Hassan!" Two little kids yelled running out in their cozy sweaters and pajama pants.
It was so sweet. I felt tears in my eyes.
"Chahna, Amoli, this is Virginia, my friend," he was knelt down to their height and they were a little shy.
"Hi there," I squatted and gave a small wave.
"Is She your girlfriend?" The slightly larger one whispered not so quietly in Hassan's ear.
He smiled and said, "no, she's my best friend," and his eyes flashed towards me.
"She's pretty," The small one said which made me smile a bit.
"She is, isn't she, go tell her that," he stood and gave a pat on her shoulder. She cautiously approached me.
"I'm Amoli, you're really pretty," her voice was soft as she swayed a bit with her hands together behind her back.
"I just wish I was as pretty as you and your sister," I told her and she smiled so widely at me. "Let's go inside before we freeze to death," I told her standing up to grab my bag from the trunk.
"Yeah, lets go, I can give you a tour of the house!" She was excited as she ran inside with her sister following shortly.
-
I saw how happy being with your sisters made you. It inadvertently made me smile as well. I loved you way before I knew that what I was feeling was love.
-
Hassan was obviously just an amazing person all around. His sisters lit up with his presence. His parents seemed ever so proud.
At night, as I laid on the couch, I heard Hassan whisper yelling to his mother and father.
"No she's not pregnant, we aren't even dating!" His voice trying its best to stay calm.
His parents said something foreign.
"Of course I care about her, she's my best friend, my only real friend."
"Then why did you bring her here? Do you know what people will say when you walk around town and ask her to meet all your friends? All the girls with think you are unavailable and you will never find a sensible girl to marry!" His father was outraged.
"You don't even want to give her a chance. She's the only reason I passed some of my classes. She is amazing and if you just get to know her you'll see that our relationship is purely a friendship." Hassan was calmer, probably laughing to himself at how ridiculous it sounded.
"Just make sure she knows her place."
-
I understand I am not the kind of person that people fall in love with. I have never had a man fall head over heels for me. I simply have never had the desire to pursue a relationship, I haven't met anyone I could imagine the rest of my life with.
But you- I feel like I've been saying that a lot, because you were my exception- you have made me rethink everything. The way your hand holds my hand. The way you sit close to me in class or the sideways glance you give me when you're next to me.
I miss that; a feeling like someone is there for me.
-
"Wow, That smells amazing," I came in after my morning walk. I hadn't gone far.
"Oh great just in time to set the table," Hassan's mother saw me and smiled, motioning to the empty table.
"Thank you for letting me stay here for the week, Hassan has been such a good friend to me the whole semester, you did an amazing job of raising him," I proceeded to grab the plates from the counter and begin setting the table.
"Hassan said you were his best friend, maybe his only friend."
"Sounds like something he'd say."
We talked. I told her the answer to every question she though of. I didn't have anything to hide from her.
-
Your mom didn't hate me. She hated the idea that you were not putting every fiber of your being into school. She hated you made a spot for me in your heart and she felt she was competing for a spot I didn't even know I had.
-
The week and a half I ended up spending there, due to weather constrictions, was fun to say the least. It was the walks beside the frozen lake and impromptu snowball fights with Hassan's sisters and snowman building contests; that's where I found that it was okay to be happy about something again.
-
If I'm remembering correctly, this was a year before we ruined everything. I don't remember being jealous when you brought your new girlfriend with us in the summer. I think your sisters enjoyed having me around and your mother finally saw that I was on her side. Do you remember she made me share your room so you could sleep on the couch?
-
The next semester we didn't share a class but we continued to meet in the library nearest to my dorm. The hand holding became less necessary and I was okay with it.
Hassan started dating a transfer student from a local community college. Courtney, a blonde city girl- which I couldn't feel the chemistry between them, but I welcomed her into our group, because we all need friends.
There was a party in the common room that Friday they started dating.
"V! We are just starting the only game we know how to play this late into the night." Charlotte, my friend, wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me to the circle playing spin the bottle.
"Look who's here guys!" She was a loud drunk, most definitely.
"V!" About half yelled in almost unison.
I removed my bag from my shoulder and placed it in front of me.
It was my turn in three turns. I kissed Lucas, a freshman we adopted during orientation. He was cute, but a little young for me.
Afterwards, Courtney went home, claiming to have an appointment in the morning. She kissed Hassan and left.
"Hey, I think you're really cool V," Lucas came up to me.
"Thanks dude," I smiled to be polite.
"Cool, I'll see you around," I swear he was blushing.
"It was just a game, you can relax," I laughed slightly.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure," he waved bye to me and Hassan.
After the door closed behind him, Hassan burst out laughing, "he is barely 19 V! Poor kid thinks he's in love with you."
"Oh shut up, he is not, no one is in love with me," I grabbed a trash bag and started cleaning up.
"Are you kidding me, I think everyone in our group has suffered from a time they thought they were in love with you," Hassan so casually said.
"W-what?" I stopped, facing him.
"Yeah you're like the most attractive person and the only one who never starts drama and never antagonizes anyone," he shrugged.
"That's ridiculous. Your making this up just to mess with me," I shook my head in disbelief.
"I wish I was, I think Charlotte is currently in love with you, but they all only confess to me, in a drunk state," he was so casual about it all. I was unconvinced.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say anything and go back to being normal," I moved over to the pool table to clear it off.
"What if one of them did ask you out?"
"I would tell them they were crazy and send them on their way."
"This is why they didn't tell you, because you don't show you're attracted to any of them. But you have to face the facts. They all think you're the 10 of the group and can't help but love you."
"You think I should date one of them? Charlotte?" I kept cleaning.
"I'm not saying you should, don't twist my words, you should try to notice these things more."
"Hassan, I have never dated anyone, I have never wanted to, can you stop making me seem like an asshole for being me." I stopped to face him.
"I'm- that wasn't my point. Im sorry I didn't mean to dump this all on you. I guess I'm just stressed," he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, inhaling.
"What's up?" I was concerned.
"Courtney asked to come visit me for a few days over the summer, but I don't really want to give her the wrong impression and I don't know how to keep putting it off."
"Let her meet your mother. Knowing your mother, trust me, she'll chew her apart and voila, you get to have comfort sex, a solution for everything," I was mildly joking. "But seriously a few days? A weekend? That's short enough. She just wants to see you, she thinks she's going to miss you," I tied up my bag bringing it to the door.
"It's going to be the same grilling that my parents gave me when you came for Christmas- wait, that's brilliant! I will take you with me!" He was excited for a solution that made no sense to me.
"What? You lost me there."
"You're coming with me for the summer, my mum doesn't hate you and she will trust you when you tell her that Courtney is not a serious girlfriend."
"Or, just hear me out, you could break up with her, if she's not so serious."
"Like you said, the comfort sex, or just the sex in general. It's worth it."
"Is it though?"
-
I don't know what was going through my head. I guess nothing, because we were such good friends I didn't think it could be anything else, obviously I know now how wrong I was. I think bringing Courtney home made your mother love me even more.
-
It was an uneventful two more months, just the same finals jitters and more spin the bottle at the end of it all.
We drove up on our own to Hassan family's house and it was different than winter because it was incredibly green and colorful.
The garden was in full bloom and it was gorgeous.
"V!" The girls ran out to meet me.
"You two have grown a foot each, I can barely recognize you!" I rubbed their heads messing up their hair a bit, but they laughed, smiling with their missing teeth. They were at that age.
I knelt down and stage whispered to them, "you better say hello to your brother before he starts crying because you love me more." They giggled and ran to him next.
-
I think telling them was the hardest part. They really brought a different part of me to life.
-
Hassan's mother told me I was to sleep in the guest room with Courtney to keep them from getting in trouble, but we both knew Hassan would more easily comply if I brought it up.
Having Courtney over for the weekend was so painfully awkward. I could see it in Hassan's parents eye contact when she said she was an art major.
"If you girls get monopoly set up I'll play one game of it with you," I leaned over and told the girls after dinner had faded.
"I've been practicing," Chahna smirked devilishly and raced Amoli to the living room.
"They've beaten me every time we've played," I admitted as I stacked our plates.
"I can't even beat them," Hassan laughed awkwardly.
"I think we will retire for the night," Hassan's mother stood.
"Thanks for dinner, it was delicious," Courtney said as she stood up, smiling the fakest smile.
I kept my straight face as much as I could because Hassan's mother made these hilarious wide eyes at her husband as she tried to force a smile. I carried the plates to the kitchen and as I placed them by the sink I lost it. I grabbed the drying towel and held it to my mouth to prevent them from calling me crazy for laughing so hard.
"I totally saw that," Hassan sounded done with me as he put the plates on the counter next to my stack and sat with me on the floor.
"I'm sorry-" I tried catching my breath, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Did you not see the look your mom gave your dad, because I am dying right now," I put the towel back on my mouth to muffle my laughter.
"That was hilarious," he started laughing a bit, and when I attempted to pull the face she'd made, he was cracking up like me.
"V, we're ready!" The girls called for me.
"Go for a walk or something with her, it's a nice night out," I stood pretending to whip him the towel before I hung it back up.
"Yeah yeah good idea," he stood and Courtney came in. "We have to load the dishwasher first." Courtney groaned, rolling her eyes.
-
Courtney was irrelevant a week later, but I should appreciate her for giving you the one aspect of our relationship that I didn't feel comfortable with.
You were entirely respectful of my boundaries and it changed the way I saw you when I finally noticed.
-
"Courtney called, said she wants you to call her when you can," I relayed the message to Hassan who was reading a book on the patio.
"Mmm," he didn't move positions.
"I wrote her number on a post it by the phone, I'm going for a walk, I won't be back for dinner."
"Wait, where are you going?" He closed his book, his finger holding his place.
"Just going to grab some food at the pub and walk near the lake, nothing crazy," I shrugged.
"I'm coming with you, give me five minutes to call Courtney," he stood and went straight to the phone.
I sat in his seat and waited five minutes.
"So we broke up, she said she felt threatened by our relationship, which is hilarious because we've hung out with her so much more at school and she is finally saying something after spending time with my family, but now that I'm free, let's go," he shrugged holding his hand out for me.
"She was too white for you anyway," I joked and he smiled rolling his eyes.
-
Moments like these, just us, as friends, is how I thought we'd spend our whole lives. My mind clouded with hopes of growing old and living in houses in the same neighborhood.
-
The pub was boring and we found our way to a night club.
It was filled with sweaty, horny teenagers—to no one's surprise. It was awful but the drinks were strong. I had two, which was enough to make me buzzed but not completely unaware of my surroundings.
Hassan said he only had one drink, but I only saw him drink half of it.
"Let's dance!" I shouted over the music.
He followed me, after paying for our drinks.
Truth Hurts played on blast. I sang along dancing like the Fresh Prince.
"You coulda had a bad bitch!" I sang loudly
Hassan didn't dance at first just smiled at me. I pulled him towards me and tried to get him in the mood by grinding on him. He was reluctant at first but soon his hands found my waist and he started moving along to the beat.
I turned and smiled at him as I sang the words.
-
It would turn out to be a groundbreaking night. I don't think either one of us would know that. You and I made a decision, no regrets.
-
"You know how we're really good friends? Well I have wanted to tell you for a while that I've had feelings for you since we met. Apparently just like every other unlucky bloke," he had to shout it to me over the music. I got the message.
I didn't think I would ever have to deal with this. I mean I've seen When Harry Met Sally and I guess I kind of knew men and women can't be just friends for too long.
"I can't tell you I feel the same, but I could give it a try, no regrets," I figured, don't try to change the subject and oppress his feelings. Mrs. Foster, our Human Behavior teacher, told us to read the situation in its entirety. I couldn't tell if I felt those feelings myself because I didn't care if we were more than friends.
"Can I kiss you?" We had stopped dancing at this point.
"No regrets," I said mostly to myself, reaching up to put my hands in his hair, pulling him to me.
-
Oh Hassan, I wonder what would have come of us if I was more oppressive to your feelings. I wouldn't have to remember the way your lips felt on mine. Or how your hands touched my waist as we walked.
I wouldn't have to pretend like we were still friends after that. It changed you. I told you not to let it change you.
-
We walked home, hand holding mine. He was smiling like I've never seen him smile before.
"I need to tell you that I don't want this to ruin our friendship. We have the kind of friendship that will last a lifetime if we don't screw it up. So, with that said, we're not putting a label on this," I gestured between us. "We never tell your family, or our friends, we don't tell people that we're 'boyfriend/girlfriend' because we're not, this is just because we want a trial run of a relationship with each other. I think once we've finished and get it out of our system we can go back to being friends. As long as we don't say things like 'I love you' or long term relationship stuff," my mind was going a thousand miles a minute.
"But I do love you," he stated pointedly. "We've been best friends for so long, I love you, because you're my best friend, there's no question there."
"I guess I love you too then," he relaxed me a bit.
"Glad we got that out of the way, now, can I kiss you again? Is that allowed?" We stopped and he pulled me in by my waist.
"Yeah we could do that," I think I blushed.
-
That part was great. The kissing and the feeling of having someone. I know I couldn't give you the labels you wanted, but you've had "girlfriends" before; I wasn't just one of them, I was—am—your best friend.
-
"Hassan the girls are going to spend the week with your father's sister in the city, while your father and I are spending the week with my sister in France. I trust you and V to keep this place clean and in one peace."
"Mum, you know I am responsible."
"V is more responsible though," I couldn't cover my mouth fast enough and laughed out loud. His mother smiled a little at my reaction.
"You are not wrong," he said in a "fair point" tone of voice.
"Good, V, please make sure he eats, while we're gone. This boy can't even microwave leftovers."
"OkAy mum, we get it!" I laughed again at his reaction.
The girls hugged me goodbye.
-
We were alone in the house and it definitely brought out a different side of us. Not a sexual aspect, of course, but it was different. You would bring me water outside and we'd sit and read for hours, holding hands occasionally. My legs tangled with yours.
-
It came to an end soon— the week, not us.
"V!" The girls ran to greet me when they got out of the car.
"I missed you girls so much!" I hugged them tightly, slightly lifting them.
"We missed you too!" Amoli held my face in her hands. I made a fishy face and they laughed.
"Let's get the bags," Hassan tickled them and they released me, screaming in laughter.
At dinner it was normal, well I felt normal.
"So what did you two do while we were gone?" Hassan's mother asked.
"We mostly just read books and I made the food, don't worry," she smiled at that comment. "We went out on one night, but I felt sick from all the teenage body odor we had to leave; that's probably the only eventful thing that happened."
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves," his father spoke.
-
I went back to school the next week because I had to return for my job. It was insane during tourist season.
You drove me back and stayed the night.
It was a long drive. I remember you pulled over just to climb over the center console to kiss me for a few minutes, making me laugh.
I asked you not to kiss me in front of the dorm Incase someone saw me. I don't know what was going through my head. It seems I am not aware of my thoughts when I'm with you.
-
School began again and I volunteered to help with freshman orientation and to be a freshman assistant, taking them to tutorials and being a big sister to them.
Hassan found me on the second day, he didn't have time to volunteer for orientation before, but he signed up to be a big brother.
"Hey, is this your freshman?" I asked him when we ran into each other.
"This is Jeremy, it's from Scotland," Hassan introduced him. I gave him my hand to shake.
"I'm V, I'm from New York, this is Amber, my freshman," I introduced them. They talked as I spoke with Hassan.
"So can I see you later? What time do you get off work?" His voice was kind of low.
"I actually work during the day and have class in the afternoon this semester, Joan thought we should switch up the schedule," I held my books to my chest tighter.
"So I'll see you at the library?" His voice was normal volume again.
"Jer, this is the smartest girl on campus, if you ever need help, find her,-"
"Bye Hassan!" I rolled my eyes.
"Bye V!" He turned and Jeremy followed close behind him.
"So that's your boyfriend then? He's hot," Amanda was beside me.
I smiled and laughed a little. "No, he's my best friend, not my boyfriend. Sohphomore year we were assigned seats next to each other and it just sort of stuck."
"He sure seems to like you quite a lot, his smile was just different with you, it was a dreamy smile," she sighed.
"Freshman boys are not worth your time- Actually, no boys are worth your time. Dedicate time to yourself and it will be completely worthwhile in the long run, trust me." We entered the office building
"I'm glad you're my big sis for this orientation, you're so cool," she made me smile.
-
Timing really was everything. We could have been great if it weren't for our futures.
Your sisters called me today to tell me you were still sad and you cried at the dinner table.
I told you it will all work out in the end.
-
Hassan made a point of kissing me for five seconds every time he met me in the library to study. It made me blush continuously.
"I think Jeremy has a crush on you, he kept asking questions about you today," he opened is textbook.
"Cute kid, give him my number," I didn't look up.
"What? No- you don't have a phone," he was not pleased by the jokes I made.
"I don't? Huh," I raised my eyebrows.
"You're not seeing anyone else are you?" He was insecure.
"I have a dozen guys on speed dial, but don't worry, they're all tens," I turned the page.
"I know we're not supposed to put a label on this but I- I don't know, I guess I'd like to think we were-"
"Hassan, study, okay? I told you before, I don't date people, not even behind other people's backs, no one else has been with me like this and I need to study. Sorry for screwing with you for a moment," I looked him in the eye.
-
This was what should have told me you were going to be more difficult when we went back to being friends. I should have known. I am sorry I let you grow attached to me in this way. I want to go back.
-
There was a party being thrown at the apartment Hassan just moved into. I decided to bring Amanda with me, just to have some fun, I know she probably is a bit overwhelmed with everything.
"Hey," Hassan greeted me with a stupid grin.
"Are we already at the spin the bottle phase of the night?" I pulled Amanda by her arm. She was frozen with fear.
"We're switching it up, playing truth or dare," he said pointedly like I should be proud of him.
"Let's join," I put my bag in the closet and went to the living room.
"I have one for you V, truth or dare?" Charlotte asked when she saw me.
"Truth," I sat down on the floor.
"Are you gay?" I remembered Hassan telling me she had a crush on me.
"I'm actually asexual, someone else go, I haven't thought of anything," Hassan handed me two drinks, I have the can of sprite to Amanda.
"Okay, Hassan, truth or dare?" Trent was mildly drunk. I could see it.
"Truth," Hassan sat opposite of me in the room.
"Did you sleep with V over the summer? I heard you two went to your house for the summer."
I rolled my eyes.
"No, she's my best friend, and she just told you she was asexual, mate. You're pissed," Hassan rolled his eyes too.
"Okay I have one for Charlotte," Hassan said. "Truth or dare?"
"Dare, I'm getting bored of this truth spree," she crossed her legs sitting up straight.
"Cover your hair in whipped cream, like a crown," and this started the dare spree.
The night ended up with me having my shoes on backwards Hassan wearing a tube top and John in heels.
-
It was easy. They didn't know, and we got to enjoy each other's company.
But we're so close to the end it hurts to think about. I never wanted to lose you.
-
Before finals we were so stressed I suggested we just watch a movie and relax for a night. We laid in his bed watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I could feel he wasn't watching and his eyes were on me, more importantly down my shirt.
I paused the show. Sitting up.
"Hassan, are you sex crazed or something? I told you this was an open agreement. You can sleep with literally anyone you want."
"I'm sorry I just wanted to kiss you," he blushed.
"Aw, come here." I closed the computer and put it on the night stand. I sat on his lap and kissed him.
His hands sat just beneath my shirt, rubbing circles. I decided to enjoy the moment a bit more by putting my hands under his shirt, and running them down his chest.
"Should I take my shirt off?" He pulled away for a moment.
"Yeah, it's a bit toasty, I'm gonna take mine off too," I pulled mine over my head as he did. "Should I take my bra off too?" I asked, unsure of how this usually works.
"Do you want to?" He swallowed audibly.
"I mean if I get to feel you up, you should get to feel me up," I undid my bra and threw it to the side.
His eyes were drawn to look at my breasts, so I rolled my eyes and put his hand to one. I leaned in to continue kissing him.
-
You and your cute smile that had every girl fall for you. Why did you want me when you could have had anyone? It ruined us. This friendship could've been great, lasting a lifetime. But we blew it.
-
That night ended with nothing happening. But they became all too frequent and closer to something happening.
Tonight, the end of finals, instead of going to a party, Hassan and I spent the night in his room. His roommates gone for the evening, just us.
We were already in our underwear by 10 o'clock. We were under the covers, I lied on my back, my legs wrapped around his waist, pulling us closer.
"Hassan, should we have sex?" I pulled away.
"Do you want that?" He was honestly asking.
"I think I do, yeah I do, but I've never had sex before, so just, go slow," I pulled him in to kiss me again. I felt he was smiling a bit.
-
It was great, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't what I wanted us to be. It was like diving into the deep end when all I wanted was to hang out in the shallow end. I guess I was mistaken when I thought we could go back to being friends. You always did have strong feelings in everything you did. I wish you had felt stronger feelings for us overall and not simply in a relationship.
-
This Christmas break was different. I knew I would be fine, but Hassan was different.
"My girls!" I hugged them.
"We got the game you sent us! We waited to play it so you can teach us," Amoli smiled.
"If we can get settled before dinner we'll play a round," I released them and they greeted Hassan.
I dragged my bag inside and Hassan locked the car.
We talked in the car about how he needed to act the same and try to be normal when his family was around.
Dinner went as usual. I played games with the girls until their bed time.
Hassan decided to make me a cuppa and we sat on the couch in front of the fire place drinking our tea. My legs extended on his lap. His family was already in bed.
"What is this? What are we doing V?" His hands rested on my legs.
"I'm falling asleep Hassan, a long day is what this is," I put my cup on the table.
"Are you my girlfriend?"
"You're kidding me," I shot up, looking at him.
"Why can't we be something?"
I stood up and started pacing. "I told you. No, we agreed that we would never have this conversation, Hassan you know how I feel."
"But hasn't something changed in the last six months?" He stood and walked over to me.
"You, apparently."
"Are you friendzoning me?"
"That's not fair. We were fine as friends, until you GIRLFRIENDzoned me!" I whisper shouted.
"But we are so good together," he reached for my hands.
"Hassan, just, stop. Okay, I told you we weren't going to be more than friends when we went into this. You're making me cry, can you just leave?" I pulled back to wipe my eyes.
"No no, I didn't want to upset you I just-I just love you so much, friends or more than friends," he hugged me.
"Will you drive me back tomorrow? I don't think I can do this with you anymore," I pulled away. "You obviously want more in life than me, you want the white wedding, big house, two kids kind of relationship. You know I don't want that-"
"No I just want a relationship with you. I don't need all that-"
"But you'll want all of that eventually. I know you Hassan, you're my best friend. So when you feel like being best friends again we can talk, but for now I have to cut you off. This isn't right for me to keep you from true happiness."
-
The drive was long and the radio didn't seem to be playing loud enough to cut through the silence. Your sisters don't know yet, but I'm sure they will figure it out eventually. I had found safety in you and you thought of me as something from your dreams. You didn't have to ask me to change, I knew it would come and I stopped it from hurting us both more. I cry because I lost my best friend, my only friend. I lost you when you mistook your love for me as being in love with me. I trust you will find someone someday and have the best time with them and you'll welcome me back as a friend. Of course you'll need me back eventually, Chandra and Amoli can't take all the ass kicking credit for monopoly.
YOU ARE READING
Oxford
RomanceA letter from me to you. I hope we can be what we once were. I loved us. A short story about two people who could have had the chance to be epic.
