CRACKED

3. Carry me

Eventually two years went by. I still have no job, and no good relationship with Braye. There are days that she will smile at me when we cross each other in the hallways. Those days are everything to me, because that's the best I can get. After the day I passed out I thought that I was starting to lose my mind. There is no way that Grace was at the park that day. I heard she even left the US 4 years ago! I haven't talked to anybody about that day. I just told my momma I didn't have breakfast that day.
This saturday morning I decided to visit Devaun's grave and I was about to ask Braye to join me. I carefully knocked on her bedroom door.

"Come in!" She sounded. I opened the door just a slight bit to show my head.
"Goodmorning..." I started. She looked bored already. I decided to step into her room.
"I'm going to visit your father's grave today and I thought maybe you wanted to come."
She put her phone down and stared out of the window.
"I guess I can come."
Wait what? Did just tell me she's coming?
"Are you forreal?" I just couldn't hide the fact that I was surprised with her reaction.
"I mean.. yea. Haven't been there in a long time or whatever." She picked her phone back up and threw herself on the bed.
"Great. We'll leave in two hours. Is that okay?"
I took a few steps back indicating that I was going to leave her alone with her horrible teen attitude.
"Cool." She replied as she was too busy texting her friends or something. I closed the door and went back to my mother to share the good news.
"That's great baby! I think you two should have some time together to sort things out." Momma said while she was smudging the house. I took the smudge stick out of her hand and let the smoke float around my body.
"I need this today momma."

"It's this way, Braye" I took a left turn and Braye followed me. I know exactly where Devaun's grave is. I come here every week to talk to him and lay down a fresh bouquet of flowers. My eyes started to tear as I caught a glimpse of his grave. We both stood still right in front of the tombstone.
"Can't believe it's almost been 19 years since he passed.."
"Don't you mean 19 years since you killed him?"
I had done taken enough disrespect and shit from this young girl over the last couple of years. When will she finally embrace me as her mother?
"Listen here you spoiled bitch. Just because your grandmother allows you to talk to her like that, doesn't mean I will.."
She tried to open her mouth but I shushed her real quick.
"You don't know me and you don't know the story because you don't want to. You can sit around and be ignorant forever or you can face me and we'll deal with this right now. Now is your time to put your shoulders back, raise ya chin and be a fucking woman."
Braye blinked a couple if times and started to sob.
"Babygirl look at me." I put the fresh bouquet of flowers down and cupped her face with my hands.
She lifted her eyes and finally looked at at me like she had never done before.
"You don't know what it's like! Having all the kids at your school calling your mom a murderer! I've been hearing this since 4th grade..." In her eyes I could see all the pain that she's been carrying around since me and her father was gone.
"...At first I defended you because grandma told me you was innocent. It didn't work. After a while I couldn't look past it anymore and I started to have my doubts. If you was really innocent, why was you in jail for 15 years?! You missed everything! Why would you miss everything if you was innocent?!"
I stared to cry with her.
"Baby you went through so much because of this and I am so sorry. So so sorry! I know you're broken and I know it's mainly because of me. But I am here now. I have missed so much. If I could go back in time I would, no doubt. I just want to love you and support you like I haven't been able to do for so long. Have you hug me again, call me mama! It breaks my heart to have all this confusion between us. Are you willing to hear the story? I know grandma didn't tell you everything."
She nodded. I then took her back home to talk because I felt like Devaun's grave wasn't the place. It was a sunny daya so we sat on the steps of my mothers brownstone.

"Your father and me were very young when we fell deeply in love. I was 14 and he was 17 at the time. Grandma and grandpa never liked him. To the world he was very nonchalant and didn't seem to care about anything else besides music, money and his boys. With me he was so sweet. He was super caring, funny and a very talented dancer. He later became very independent too, because he was on his own since the age of 17." I sniffed. She looked shocked which told me my momma never properly told her about him
"His parents had passed?"
"His family was killed by his uncle. He and his older sister were the only survivors. Him and his sister were constantly fighting so he moved out."
"Woww..."
"I remember going through all of it with him. It was the most difficult time for him. He dropped out of high school and tried working a few jobs, but they weren't enough for him, so he started to find other ways to get money. Illegal ways. His whole crew was just foul. I still stuck with him, even helped him out sometimes, me being a young girl completely head over heels. I even moved out of grandma's house to go live with him. We were still together when you were born. Everything was going just fine, until..."
"What happened?"
I took a deep breath.
"There was this girl. She was very beautiful, everyone liked her and what not. The problem was: Devaun and her started messing with each other and he sold drugs to her. She soon became an addict and was stuck to Devaun because of that. I decided to move back to grandma's house with you because I felt like his house wasn't a safe space for a baby anymore. We were constantly fighting about that girl too. One day I came over to his house, you were with grandma. We wanted to talk things out. That girl came by high as a motherfucker and tried to harm me. Your dad defended me..." My voice cracked. Telling Braye the story hurt me so much.
"What happened?" She was anxious to know and I could sense she already knew what was coming.
"She stabbed your dad... 14 times and fled the scene."
The sillence was real. Braye buried her face into her hands in disbelief. I scooted closer to her, wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin on her head.
"Mom I'm sorry..." she sobbed.
"It's okay baby." I whispered as I rocked her back and forth.