New Students // NCT Renjun

Loneliness

The second thing I liked about Jeju Island: The yummy food.
I enjoyed eating whatever my father ordered for dinner, but today I felt like throwing up when I saw it.
"How's school so far?", my dad asked me, obviously in a desperate attempt to break the awkward silence.
"Great," I said.
"Did you make friends?"
No, I thought. I don't have anyone to talk to in school and I eat my lunch alone on a bench outside. The moment I come home I lie on my bed and talk to Rachel for hours because I don't have any friends here. I do my homework and watch videos. I waste my time on social media and I binge watch TV series until I have to go to sleep, only to wake up and repeat the process. I'm lonely, just like I told you, but you insisted that I would make friends here. But I couldn't bear the guilt from telling you this and seeing the sadness in your eyes if I told you how I felt.
"Yes," I said.
"Really? That's awesome! What are their names? Why don't you invite them over sometime?"
"Mark, Renjun, Chenle. I'll ask them if they want to come over sometime, but they're always really busy with homework and stuff, so that might take a while."
"Ah, okay! Anyways, why aren't you eating your food? Don't you like it?"
"The food's great, I'm just not that hungry. May I go to my room?"
"Oh, umm, sure."
I stood up and left.
I felt something heavy on my chest and it kept getting heavier with every step I took. I felt like I couldn't breathe by the time I reached my bedroom door. I opened the door and walked in.
I grabbed my desk as I started crying - it wasn't the first time I broke down crying, but it was the first time in awhile. I didn't cry a lot usually, but sometimes I couldn't handle it anymore and felt like my problems were sitting on my chest, choking me.
I hadn't felt this lonely in a long time. But since I had moved to Korea my father seemed to distance himself from me, I didn't have any friends at school and having a conversation with Rachel took days because of the different time zones.
I told my father I was friends with Mark, Renjun and Chenle, but the truth was, I hadn't talked to them for four days and I was pretty sure that talking to them once didn't classify them as my new best friends.
I felt lonely. The last time I had felt this lonely was...no, I didn't even want to think about it. But that's the thing about loneliness.
It's like mist, it fills you up inside and isolates you and it always comes with boredom and sadness. Loneliness makes you think about things you don't want to think about, but you do it anyways out of pure boredom and get sad about it. Being lonely for too long - thinking too much, being sad for too long - ruins people. They become embittered.
I didn't want to be lonely. Not only because I needed the love and attention, but because I was scared too. I didn't want to become bitter.
Lonely. Bored. Sad. Bitter.