****HEATH****
***To say im nervous is an understatement, I feel like im about to shit on myself cause I don’t know if she blames me for what happened and for our boy’s death or not and her not saying a word to me ever since she woke up this morning is making things worse….well I told her about Bunke not making it after she asked me why her belly was now flat and she cried so hard and painfully that they had to sedate her and when she woke up she only asked to see Ike and since then she hadn’t said a word to me….. I took her to Ike and her cries when she saw his tiny body in that incubator that is attached to wires broke my heart to pieces ……Well I also got a call from James (her father) and he told me that Naledi’s mother called him to let him know that Naledi’s grandmother passed away (well good ridden to bad rubbish if you ask me), but I know that even though she disowned Obi m and all but I also know that Obi m still loves and care for her even though she was treated badly by her so I don’t know how she’ll take the news…. mxm eish…..
I also told her about Bunke that we should have him cremated and she agreed with me with a nod (sigh) so now I just came back from the crematorium and im walking inside the hospital with Bunke’s white wooden box with a small blue pearl brass urn inside filled with his ashes, the wooden box has an infant on top of it sleeping inside blue wings, it’s a beautiful box and I had it engraved with “our angel Bunkechukwu, your wings were ready but our hearts weren’t” and it stated his date of birth and death date……..and as for Jabu he went passed the mall to get Obim, Thandi and my girls some food.....
Anyway I walked inside her ward and she was holding a conversation with Thandi and the girls, I cleared my throat and they all turned to look and I saw Obim’s eyes fill with tears as her eyes were staring at the box I was carrying and I clenched my jaws***
Me: ummm Thandi please take the girls to the cafeteria to go get some snacks…. please
Thandi: ok… ummm lets…lets go girls
***she carried Lesedi and they walked out after I kissed my girls’ foreheads***
Me: Obi m
***tears ran down her cheeks and a sob escaped her mouth and I put the box on the side drawer and I got in bed and held her as she cried….i let her cry until she calmed down and was only left with sniffs and small hiccups***
Naledi: can… can I hold it
Me: ok
***I took the box and gave it to her and she held it closer and tears ran down her cheeks, i also felt my tears run down my cheeks and I wiped them off….. shit I need to be strong for her, we both can’t fall apart***
Naledi: what did I do to deserve this God…. who did I offend so badly to deserve all this, why is it hard for the universe to let me be happy just once
***she said crying and that broke my heart***
Me: its all my fault Naledi…I take full responsibility for our boy’s death, I would understand if you hate me….im sorry Obi m….im really sorry I could’ve prevented all this, I should have listened to you that day when you said I should deal with my issues with Lerato before bringing you into my life….i should’ve listened to you im sorry Obi m but please don’t leave me I swear i won’t be able to handle it please
***she didn’t say anything she just cried***
Me: please Naledi im begging you don’t leave me baby, if you need space I’ll give it to you but don’t leave me please
***I begged her and she didn’t say anything, she was brushing the box while looking at it and also sobbing and I swallowed hard….i swear my heart will stop beating if she leaves me….i can’t live without her….Anyway she never said anything until Thandi came back with the girls and she wiped her face and smiled at them and conversed with them and that broke me some more, Jabu came back with their food and Jabu and I walked out leaving them eating and conversing, we went to sit on the couches on the waiting area and I looked down and covered my face as I felt tears threatening my eyes***
Jabu: Mshikaro
Me: she blames me and I think she wants to leave me
***I said with a breaking voice***
Jabu: what? shit…. what did she say?
***I sniffed and wiped my falling tears still looking down***
Me: she doesn’t talk to me Jabu….but she laughs and talks to the kids and Thandi….she blames me Jabu I can tell
***I honestly told him***
Jabu: come on Mshikaro im sure she’s laughing and talking with the girls to ease their worries especially Omphile, just to assure her that she’s ok
Me: what about Thandi mmmmh?
Jabu: Mshikaro don’t do this man assomblief (please)
Me: i…I can’t….i need her man, I need her so badly Jabu….i need her to talk to me, to tell me how she’s feeling
Jabu: Mshikaro
***I shook my head no as more tears came out and Jabu sighed….fuck im a mess…..i wiped my tears and we sat in silence***
