loving the moon. ⇏ hwabyul ✅

I

wednesday, june 6 - thursday, june 7

i sit quietly at the windowsill of my empty bedroom, listening to the quiet thoughts that intrude my mind every so often.

my mother has been telling me that we were going to move for quite some time now, but i never believed that the day it would happen would come so soon.

i look up into the beautiful night sky. the stars remind me of graceful souls trying to find their soulmates. i look farther and see a beautiful crescent moon. it's so perfectly angelic, i hope i find my own juliet at some point.

oh, that's right. i like women. i am fascinated by how females love females and i have accepted myself despite disputing with myself over and over countless times to make sure it was official.

but i have learned to love myself and accept myself for who i am.

i look back to the emptiness of my bedroom that i've created so many memories in. the only things in the room are the boxes with the past 16 years of my life inside.

i finally jump off the deep windowsill of my bedroom and lie down in the bed that soon in the early morning hours of tomorrow will be packed up into a moving truck and shipped off to my new house.

the covers are colder than before but it's most likely not real. i'm just anxious about this whole moving day. i'm not ready to leave this town. this ground. this house. this place where i made all of my memories.

i have a major case of anxiety. it makes me weak in the most important cases or scenarios that i need to be my best or strongest at. it sinks me deep into the ground and makes me squirm when i don't ask for it. it makes me seem like the smallest creature alive and then steps right onto me like an unwanted bug.

i am currently hiding all of this from my mother. in fear that she will not accept it and tell me that i'm faking it or being dramatic. i fear that she will rid of me and not look back on what she did.

i escape my thoughts in an instant as my mind closes itself in and falls into a deep and long slumber.

"wake up hyejin," says my mother as she hits me on the head and tells me to wake from my rest.

"i'm coming," i say, dragging the words, dreading getting up from the most comfortable and loving spot in my entire bedroom.

i get up and start getting ready for this tedious day itself.

while i'm in my bathroom, brushing my teeth, i think that i'm never going to step foot in this bathroom ever again after this. this just makes me sadder, to be very open.

i finish packing the last of my things as my mother comes in with workers for the moving business to come and take the heavy furniture out of my room. i start lifting the boxes of remembrances and slowly drag my feet along to the truck as i start to feel upset all over my body.

it hurts to follow the house with my eyes as we drive away, losing all hope that my mom will ever change her mind. maybe i'll like it at my new house.

we are 4 hours into the drive to our new town when a thought suddenly strikes me. and hard.

what if i find my special someone there?

what if i get to have my happy ending?

these thoughts hit me like a bus. what will happen here? what will happen if someone loves me?

but then, in an instant, the thoughts turn dark. what if people bully me at school? what if they all hate me? what if i'm an outcast and have no friends?