diary of a teenage girl

self confidence

So, my self confidence is at a low recently probably because I'm am emotional teenage girl but I anger myself because i could look at most people and see the beauty in them in almost anyone except myself. I can sit for ages thinking of things I could change to make me better. And sometimes when I'm not feeling too bad I go online and see all these cooler, prettier, skinnier people and suddenly any self confidence I had disappears. I'm striving for an appearance I most likely won't achieve tiny waist and these big thighs that have no cellulite or marks and a thigh gap whilst having big thighs, tiny arms and big boobs. The media normalises it and everyone popular looks the same which makes me feel worse.
Some times I get really confident and go out in something then start to panic that everyone is judging me or I look silly.
I look at myself in every reflection, my family think I'm being vain, I'm not, I'm just looking to see how bad I look. This all sounds like a massive pitty party and maybe it is but I have no idea how to love myself when I can see the beauty in everybody.
Late night thoughts put aside can somebody tell me what actual beauty looks like, who was the person who declared that a certain look was beautiful?
Genetics are a bitch I guess I just wished the media and people weren't so toxic.
Well thats day 1 of rambling I'll update whenever I'm in my feeling again.
-little miss nobody