abyss ↣ joe sugg au

nineteen

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Charlotte didn't know what time she arrived home, the air was crisp and the bars of the bridge were dewy and she'd fallen asleep in Joe's car last night, the gentle hum of The 1975 album playing and Joe curled up in the drivers seat. He had dropped her at the bridge twenty minutes ago, and she was now facing the many flights of stairs in her flat complex. 

When Charlotte entered her apartment, she placed down her shopping bags from yesterday and her keys on the kitchen side, looking around every room to see if Caspar was in there. He wasn't. A heavy feeling swirled in the pit of her stomach when she looked at the time and realized herself and Caspar would be out doing the weekly shop now- he must of gone alone.

At least it gave Charlotte some time to prepare herself for telling Caspar that she's in love with an accused murderer. She stood looking out the window, hoping the clouds she saw out of it would wrap her up. It seemed hopeless though, as the sound of door clicking open echoed behind her. 

Deep breath Charlotte, you can do this.

No. No. I really can't, Charlotte thought as she turned to see Caspar stood with his hand still on the door handle. He was wearing a Parker that had been rained on and now was two different shades of green, and his usual black cap was placed backwards on his head. His eyes were decorated with purple-ish circles that looked like they'd been painted there for theatrical purposes. He already looked defeated and Charlotte hadn't uttered a word yet.

"Do you want help bringing the shopping up?" Was what decided to come out of Charlotte's mouth. Fuck it Charlotte, that's not what you were supposed to say, she scolded herself. 

"Shopping?" Caspar's brows furrowed.

"Shopping." Charlotte's brows dipped also, sharing the state of confusion.

"I don't have any shopping." Caspar shook his head and shucked of his coat, hanging it on the peg before moving cautiously through the empty space of the living room.

"Where have you been then?" Charlotte asked and she knew it was stupid because she was the one who disappeared for a little less than twenty-four hours when she insisted she'd be only gone one.

"Looking for you." His voice was dull, like he wasn't bothered where Charlotte had been, but his choice of words told something different.

"Oh--um--yeah, about that." Now or never. 

"Just tell me one thing." Well, okay. Never's cool too.

"What?" Charlotte's voice was smaller than she'd of liked it to be.

"What made you hate yourself so much, that you'd happily risk your life everyday?" Caspar had taken a seat on the armrest and was looking up at Charlotte expectantly, coaxing an answer out of her with his eyes.

"I--I, Caspar." 

"He took someone's life Charlotte. Whether you give a shit or not, I do and I will not let him take yours too." She'd heard similar words before, when they went out for ice-cream on New Years and it was windy and Caspar pulled a strand of hair from Charlotte's eyes and kissed her softly and told her he didn't want Charlotte to see Joe again, not after what he'd done and Charlotte had agreed to it, not because she thought he was right but because Joe hadn't called. Because she thought Joe didn't care.

But right now, Charlotte wanted to scream. Wanted to tell Caspar everything Joe had ever told her so he wouldn't talk about him like sin, but she never would because Caspar is successful, he has a loving family and plays an important role at the office and gets paid well and even if it was described to him a hundred times over he wouldn't understand what it feels like to look at what is around you, to see the sun and all the flowers and want it gone, because it's all a lie. This world isn't beautiful, even on the sunny days it's still so dull and you realize that when you have the metal of a child's swing engraved above your eyebrow from the many hours you lent against it wishing you were dead. You realize it when you sit on the edge of a bridge, it taking little effort to jump, the view of a thousand homes splayed out in front of you but all you can see is the one that tore you apart more and more each day. 

"Listen to me Caspar. I am so grateful for you, you don't understand. You saved my job, you even saved parts of me some days but most things are beyond saving now and I don't want you to waste the rest of your life trying to because it's a lost cause." 

It hadn't been apparent how they'd turned out in the position they were. Charlotte was crouched before Caspar, clutching his jaw with her sweating palms and tears were seeking purchase down their cheeks.

"If it keeps you alive Charlotte, I don't mind." His eyes squeezed together, releasing fresh tears that pulled at Charlotte's heart strings more than she was allowing herself.

"Caspar, listen to me please. Joe is not a bad person, he didn't do it okay and I know you won't believe me but I'm safe with him okay, safer than I am here or anywhere else and I know that's difficult for you to understand but if I stay away from him that's me risking my life. I'm sorry, I'm sorry now and I was sorry yesterday, I'll be sorry tomorrow and for every day after that because I was so blinded by the words you said that were too beautiful to be meant for me that I lost sight of everything and everyone." There foreheads were pressed together, so close their tears merged into one.

"I--I know who you thought I was Cas, but it's not me. I met Joe at the middle of that bridge you know, the bridge and I owe him everything for saving me that night and every day since and I want you in my life, and I'm so scared right now because I know you hate me and I don't blame you but I need you around." Pulling Caspar closer still. "I need you."

#

A proclaimed string of curses was what awoke Charlotte some hours later. Her thoughts took a few moments to catch up with her and she took a deep inhale of breath when she realized she'd fallen asleep wrapped around Caspar after they'd cried helplessly in each other's arms for too long.

She noted that she was tucked in by the sofa blanket, before she propped herself up on her elbows and looked over the backrest of the sofa. Her heart sank as she saw a few bags piled by the door and Caspar fretting around in the kitchen. She kicked back the blanket, and scrubbed at her face with her fists. It wasn't meant to happen like this. She predicted arguing, shouting and maybe a few tears but the thought of not having Caspar in her life hit her from behind. 

"You don't have to go you know. I'll leave if you want." Charlotte said with a hoarse voice that took them both by surprise. Caspar stepped out of the kitchen, gesturing to his bags and shrugging his shoulders.

"It's okay." He smiled weakly and Charlotte wanted to hug him right now but yeah okay, a smile would do.

It was twenty minutes later when Caspar took his coat off the peg and as he put it back on again, Charlotte thought that the circles beneath his eyes had increased double since the last time he wore it. 

It was a hushed goodbye. Caspar tweaked a tear from under Charlotte's eye like they do in the movies and Charlotte thought he was going to leave then, without another word but before he picked up his bags, he pulled Charlotte into a hug and sighed heavily. Charlotte burrowed into his chest for all it was worth.

"I know this is dumb but--like, I know we'll see each other at work and things but you know, will you--you know--call me, just sometimes." Caspar mumbled into Charlotte's hair and she nodded before he even finished because how the hell did she find someone like him. A desired friend until her last breath she hoped, she'd call him as soon as he shut the door if that was acceptable.

"Every day." She promised.