Unified by Harmony

Alone-2

Louis POV:

Loneliness is so fucking damned scary. Once it could be healing and once it could be horrifying. It is the kind of love that's toxic. It's the kind of calm before storm. It's the kind of fire that lights you up when all you wanted was to be warm enough to survive the brutal winter nights of Drass. It's is the kind of oversized, heavy material sweatshirt that you love to favour because you can hide yourself, in the hottest noons of Libya. It's the kind of freefall for an adventurer without a parachute.

I always thought isolating myself was going to be wonderful experience and a new one at that. Who knew i was getting myself into another round of depression that could have been mild or major. Practically, depression is a sensitive topic that the warriors would like to joke on to keep their pain at bay; funnily, the same warriors have a nice sense of foresight when they know its coming back. Since, they know how its like facing the inevitable, they fully prepare themselves to be pliant in the hands of so called evil. First time that you are being hit with it, is when you are slipping into the state of pain, you try and try until you finally give up and give into that stage. you give in completely into such dooming darkness that makes you wanna be dizzy and fall out. it makes you want pain to make you feel numb permanently, it makes you want to feel pain when you are numb in the state where in you lack emotions. That faceless devil wants to to fall in her arms so they could make you feel the warmth that is temporary fix but then in the long run, it is addiction. Addiction that has you around their finger. Addiction that makes you want thanos to snap his fingers at you and ONLY you since YOU think everyone else has their shit together. NOW, this looming and deceiving thing's occurence may be cause of different reasons. But when you try getting better, you see the beauty you missed. Personally i don't think there is something called getting better; its getting used to it or getting over it. I got over it.

Second time when it hits you, what you call is a relapse. By this time, you'd be fully aware of how heartwrecking your cries were going to be and SILENT. Relief you thought you just got is snatched away while you were playing to be better than ever. You accept it, without a single fight. The silence you used to enjoy becomes most loud. Too loud for you to even cry out in pain. now that i chose isolation, i am supposed to face the repercussions. Times like these is when I feel selfish to have a lover, share the pain in my heart for him to kiss me better. To turn your adverse belladonna into non-toxic one with his warm enveloping hugs. Make memories to behold. To charm the healing within you.

Lover here could be romantic or platonic. You choose. ONE you can be most comfortable with the speak even the most prude and crude literal shit. And i don't imply that your bestest friend should be the person you need to talk to. It could be anyone. It could be a co-warrior. It could be your internet friend too. Comfort is subjective.

And for a person like me, or me if i dare, none is most appropriate is whom i feel comfortable with, to even give them a race of my misery. And to bring the bars of my standards down, i have my fair share having multiple face offs with men that choose to be ignorant with key issues (say bees. A very few are bothered. humorous after such a deep topic but important. They basically don't care at least for the word HONEY they use to call their lovers with). Men that don't associate themselves with morality. Those who'd gladly ask for a share in the nicotine i pickup. Those who'd ask me to roll them dutches when all i expect is for them to make the shit hit roof to make me healthy. Those who would try texting someone else in the gap of me fixing them a welcoming tea. Those who'd ask for nightstand's pleasure in a pride parade while talking about wonders of love. Those who'd ask for lucid dreams when i ask help from drowning. Typical behavior.

Clever move. Pain is consistent yet subjective. One individual has different ways to deal with issues. It doesn't have to be the same. One being depressed doesn't mean they consistently need to show their tears. It is a quick transition from one outlook to other. They be happy for a minute but people call them out on acting out for sympathy when the tears run down their eyes. ignorance.