Just random shit from my brain. :)
*** Warning!! I cuss, so pardon my language!
*** I own NOTHING I reference in this or future writing!
*** Thank you for reading! :)
I don't think I'm in a depression as people seem to think. I 'm lost. So many questions... choices... I used to say I'm a ghost. There one day and gone the next. Nobody remembered and there was barely any official record. I was okay with this. I don't want to be remembered—it's too much of a burden on both me and the rememberee.
But... this knowledge, acceptance and feeling has left me thinking I'm in limbo... floating through this life with no real direction(s)*. I don't feel happy. I haven't in a long time. And when I do feel happiness, it is so fleeting and selfish. Not just that; I don't want anything from this world. Nothing seems of interest.
Wait... there is one thing. It makes me feel whole, warm... and happy. The goodness it requires to be so selfless and innocent. Who would've thought? It might seem like the most trivial thing in the world, even though I don't feel so lost.
Helping people (or animals). It's a passion, a thing IACTUALLY want and I have three things stopping me. Pain (and myself. They correlate.) and money/materials.
The pain felt opening up to the world is... excruciating. The teasing ("Why would you help those beggars?"), the manipulation ("Of course we're friends... until I don't need you."), the feeling of worthlessness and my heart and soul being shredded until there is nothing left.
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Such ideas and experiences have left me hesitant or unwilling to help anymore. And it is advantageous to have materials (food, blankets, water, etc.) and money.
But... I don't think all of these feelings... or being lost is a bad thing. Who knows?
