You're the reason

4. Shower thoughts

-forget it! I need those pieces of information!- diddy replies to me pretty much irritated.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin his plans but I'm just-
I should be out there making money for
Him, not for sure seducing a man, with such a beautiful smile and no, stop thinking about him now.

Sigh.

- I don't think I can do it, try to understand me!-
- Well, you will make it somehow, Jennifer. Chapter closed. -

Yay.
Fine,
I just have to bring him these pieces of information right? No sex, no kisses, no smiles, no feelings, no happiness.
I just can't stop thinking about the other night.
Stop that.
I just need a hot shower and some dramatic ass series on Netflix.
Then maybe I will go to look for Alex somewhere.

I love showering with such hot water.
All the steam in the mirror,
The heavy air...
I don't know, it makes me feel free for once, relaxed, like when we all were children and we were drawing hearts in our car mirrors or in our house's windows when it was raining, do you remember that?
Our childish moments,
The freedom,
All the times coming back home with an injured knee and trying not to cry more because your mother would be telling you she would beat you even harder then, and make you cry for a reason.
All the forgiven mistakes we made as children, all the laughs, all the times we wanted that damn candy and no one bought it to us, and then...Christmas, Easter, birthdays and many more festivities where you would've skipped classes without finally getting scolded,
Where your family would pretend to be such a perfect one for a damn family pic, where everyone ended up fighting right after it was taken, remember?
All the love you've never felt in your whole life, you'd feel it in every one of these festivities, cause apparently everyone cares too much about appearance, more than the actual feelings; it's sad, isn't it?
I will make you believe I can give you the whole world and every planet around, and then? It was just words, but sometimes all you need is an action, something that will make you actually believe in that, an unexpected one.
A surprise without a reason, can you even imagine it?
Someone coming for you with a hug, and for what?
Just because they felt it like that, without any forced reason, without worrying about appearance.
Spontaneously, what a beautiful word.
Spontaneously happy, spontaneously laughing, spontaneously in love.

Sigh.

Is someone knocking on my door?
What time is that?
Oh and, of course, I was crying while sleeping off in my thoughts and I look horrible.

It's 23:30

Why would someone come here at this hour?

Let's take a knife with me, at most I will eat some guts tonight.

Laughs.

Am I even laughing at my own joke?
Good move Jennifer you're ready to go to a hospital.
But...who's that?

I see such a big man in front of my door,
standing there, waiting for me to open.
What if diddy just got mad and I'm dead?
I shouldn't have told him about Alex,
It was just a feeling I had

Knocks again.

Sigh.
Okay, let's die...