Blue Rose

Chapter six: The girl with violet eyes

The days go by and thanks to Rose's care, strength is slowly returning to my exhausted body. Finally, I'm able to get back on my feet again. I know that I will need more time to part with the drug for good, and even then the desire to reach for it will probably accompany me for the rest of my days, but for now the worst is over and at least for once the future seems a little bit brighter.

However, due to all the events of late, none of us has even had the

time to even think about going shopping – so soon the pantry is almost completely empty. Therefore, promising Rose that I will be back soon, I go to the surface.

- - - X - - -

The city is bathed in the rays of afternoon sun, but it doesn't bother me; it is quite the opposite – I regret that the hood which I'm wearing to hide the mask doesn't allow me to feel them on my face. I have spent so many years in the dark, but now I'm drawn to the light.

While strolling, I also think about Rose and everything that has happened recently, and how could I thank her for that. Maybe I should buy her a present? Jewelry, or a new dress... for example, a purple or blue one. Those colors suit her.

Without thinking, I turn into the street where I know there are stores offering items I'm thinking about right now.

However, I never get to enter any of them, and any considerations about the gift are immediately forgotten when I see a couple standing in front of one of display windows.

Christine and the Viscount.

His hand is touching her round belly, where their child is probably growing right now. They are both laughing, happy. As if nothing had happened, as if I'd meant nothing, as if for the two years I hadn't been suffering, as if they hadn't spared me a single thought, as if I'd never even existed...

I can't look at this anymore – I turn around and run in the opposite direction.

They don't even notice me.

- - - X - - -

I rush through the corridors, trying to get back to my home as soon as possible. When I get there, Rose comes to greet me, but I don't pay attention to it. Without a word of explanation, I pass her and burst into my room, where I just stand with my fists clenched, trying to control myself. However, as always, Rose doesn't let me be alone and soon I hear footsteps behind my back.

''I saw her. With him...'' I manage to draw through clenched teeth in answer to a silent question.

A small hand touches mine, but I still don't turn around. My lack of reaction makes Rose circle around me to stand right in front of me and makes me look at her. And when I finally glance at her, she does what she always does. She smiles.

And like water breaking through a dam, I snap.

''Why are you always smiling?!'' My scream is more akin to the roar of a wild beast than to an outcry of a man. ''What is so funny that you keep laugh even when you or others suffer?!''

Rose wants to move away from me, but I don't allow her, grabbing her by the shoulders. I'm shaking her, shouting terrible things. Cruel words and unsubstantiated accusations leave my lips before I can stop them. I know that none of this is true, that she doesn't deserve it, but I can't stop. I'm taking my pain and frustration out on Rose, even though it's not her fault. I behave like an animal backed into a corner, which attacks around blindly, trying in the only known way to protect itself against another wound.

However, I'm still weak and one blow from panicked girl is enough for me to stagger. Rose breaks free from my grasp and runs away, and I fall to my knees. Her steps echo, more and more distant, until finally I can't hear them at all anymore.

It's only when everything sinks into complete silence, that I realize fully what I have just done.

''R-Rose? ROSE!'' I call her, but it's no use.

I'm alone here.

And I can only blame myself for that.

It's my fault, she has run away because of only me. She was the only one who cared my fate, who wanted to help me. She was always with me, she's never abandoned me when I needed her... without her I would have been long dead...

And I chased her away. I did exactly what I was so terrified of.

She doesn't even have a place to go...

What have I done?

- - - X - - -

I do not know how long I've been sitting on the stone floor and crying alone when I hear footsteps again. I slowly raise my head and see Rose standing in the doorway, who shyly approaches me and sits down next to me. Our eyes meet and for a moment we just look at each other in silence.

She came back.

But it's not possible.

I open my mouth and ask a question. The same question as always, the one which is present in my mind from our first meeting, around which everything has revolves from the very beginning...

''Why?''

I've never thought that one word could carry such a great weight.

Rose grabs my hand and slowly places it on her chest, where the heart is. I know what she wants to say by doing this, but it doesn't make sense. How could anyone... love me? The things I've done, what I look like...

With the other hand, I involuntarily touch the mask.

I am a monster.

Rose slowly releases my hand and instead reaches for the mask I'm wearing. She doesn't rip it off like how Christine did, but instead she, looking in my eyes, gently pulls it off. I help her by taking off the wig myself. I'm sitting bare in front of, I'm not hiding anything anymore, and she... accepts it. She does what she is best at – she smiles exactly as she did twelve years ago. Once more she rests my hand on her heart.

I am a monster... but not to her.

When I look at her, dumbfounded, a shadow passes over her face. Rose touches her throat and looks at me questioningly.

Precisely... she can accept me, but can I do the same? Rose is mute and nothing will ever change that – can I live with it?

A voice... something so inconspicuous and at the same time so important to me. It attracted me to Christine, it inspired me, it was what I care about so often, and above all... there is something else about it. Something I've always wanted... and it's not about my appearance at all. Yes, I always wanted to be like everyone else, but there is one, only thing that means more to me... my whole life I've truly just wanted someone to say that they love me. That's all. But Rose will do none of these things – she'll never sing or say those words that I so desperately want to hear...

I'm... I'm a complete fool.

Every little gesture, every gift, every smile, her never ending patience, understanding, care... Yes, it's true – Rose can't say me she loves me. But she doesn't have to. Because she keeps showing me this. She loves Me. She. Loves. Me. And that means more than any words or even the most beautiful music.

"I do not have to hear your voice to love you," I say firmly.

And saying this sentence, I know it's true. I'm not sure when it happened, but in one of those little, ordinary moments something has changed. Chasing after some dreamed perfection, I couldn't see it, but I love her.

My love for Christine was full of passion, it was burning with a bright flame that in my madness almost burned both of us down. What I feel for Rose is different, gentler, but... but maybe that's how it is supposed to look. Maybe this is what I've been waiting for – for this strange peace, this silent understanding. Maybe it was always supposed to be her. Not Christine, but Rose – the girl with violet eyes.

I reach to her and put her hand on my heart.

The smile that she gives me this time is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.