The Thing He Carried

Christmas

 What sticks to memory, often, are those odd little fragments that have no beginning and no end...

The weeks went by in a flash. The hours were exhausting and grueling. The hours spent training was longer than Jess could ever imagine. Up at four-thirty every morning to shower, exercise, and eat breakfast. Then training until a one o'clock lunch and soon back onto the grounds for more exercise. After supper came a bit more training or exercise and then another shower and bed. This was the schedule for weeks on end. Much to Jess's surprise, he slipped into this life with relative ease.

That wasn't the only change noted. His body filled out. Muscles formed. Eyes softened. Hair and clothes always tidy. Face shaved. He looked like an adult. Mind and soul were calmer. Life seemed focused. He felt like an adult.

While he hid his plans during Thanksgiving, there'd be no hiding them this snowy Christmas. Not only did he look different, but he was going away – far away. Right before this short Christmas break, he and his fellow Privates were informed of deployment in mid-February (a mere week after basic training would complete). He would have to tell them about everything. That conversation would be hard.

The bus pulled up to his Stars Hallow stop. He shouldered his bag and hiked through the snow. People stared. They saluted? Yeah, they saluted. No wonder. He was in his uniform. He walked differently. He walked with a soldier's determined gait.

He dropped his stuff off at Luke's Diner before heading over to the Gilmore residence. He'd talked to Liz the other day and she'd told him to head there once back in Stars Hallow. It was a quick walk from the diner to the home; just a few blocks. Really, it was no wonder Rory and Lorelai ate there so often. The home was so close to the diner that he arrived a good five minutes earlier than he anticipated.

There were a lot of cars here. Luke's truck, Rory's car, Lorelai's Jeep (of course), and three unfamiliar cars were all parked in the yard. Never before had Jess seen the yard so crowded with so many vehicles. Jess was like the walking version of a Tim O'Brien's quote. But the thing about remembering is that you don't forget. He didn't forget.

Once on the porch, Jess could hear arguing coming from inside. He stopped dead in his tracks and listened. He couldn't help but listen. Even if he wanted to ignore the words, it would be impossible. Most things were as clear as if Jess was in the room.

"Where the hell is he, Liz? Luke? Where is my son? Are you keeping him from me?" Jimmy's words came out with disgust.

"He's with you! He's supposed to be with you, Jimmy!" Liz sounded desperate, if not frantic.

"Maybe it's a good thing he's not with you, Jimmy. It took you all this time to realize your own son wasn't with you." That was Luke; Luke's tone was furious.

"Well right back at you!" Jimmy shouted those words.

"Hey, guys, this is Jess we're talking about. He does what he wants. He goes where he wants. I'm sure he's fine." Lorelai seemed to be trying to instill hope, but it likely didn't work.

"Lorelai is right. From what I can gather this boy can take care of himself." Richard Gilmore was defending both him and his daughter – that came as a surprise as Jess hadn't thought he'd made a good impression.

"Oh Richard, don't be so naive! He's barely nineteen. He needs parental care. He's still practically a child." Emily chose to try inject some sort of common sense, but it seemed to fall onto deaf ears.

"He can take care of himself. Can we not talk about him? It's not fair to him." In the yelling, Rory's soft voice sounded like a whisper.

"Why can't we just go eat ham?" Those words from TJ made Jess laugh, but no one else.

The yelling got louder. Okay, this was enough. He opened the door. "Hey! Guys, stop it! It's Christmas," Jess shouted, closing the door closed.

Everyone stopped yelling. Everyone may have stopped breathing for a second; there was an audible gasp and then nothing. Everyone stared.

Luke broke the silence. He stepped forward. His mouth was agape, but he managed to stammer out a few words. "Jess? What the hell?"

"Luke, I think you very well know what's going on. You should so the boy some respect. Let him explain," Richard interjected, standing a little taller in Jess's presence. "Go on."

"I didn't go to California. Jimmy, I couldn't. You never were in my life growing up. You disappointed me time and time and time again, so I couldn't go off to someplace I didn't know. I knew I wouldn't fit in there," Jess began. His hands went behind him and rested on his back. He stood with his feet planted hip-width apart. "But I didn't know what to do?"

"So you thought joining the military was the right thing to do? Jess, what are you thinking?" Rory squeaked. She stepped forward. Her eyes were wide. Her thin frame shook with fear.

"Yeah, Rory," Jess replied. "I did. I had nothing. I had no home. I had no diploma. I didn't graduate high school. I didn't have a future. Seeing a commercial to enlist, I went and check out what I had to do. I got my GED and passed a physical. I got in. For the first time in a long time I have purpose."

"Why?"

"Rory? What?"

"Why the Army? Why now?"

"Maybe there's a world out there in need of help. Maybe there's women and kids who need protecting. Maybe I've realized life is more than just my little orbit."

"Couldn't you have joined the Peace Corps or became a firefighter or....or anything? What if you get deployed? What if you get hurt?"

"I'll deal with it when I get over there. I am getting deployed," Jess said. Each word came cold, determined, and defiant. No one was going to question him about his choices, especially not Rory. She had everything and the world. He had this and only this. Part of his mind understood why she fought back. She was scared. He was scared. But this was something to see through until the end.

"When do you go?" Luke asked. It seemed he still could hardly say a word. Only short sentences were coming from his uncle's lips.

"Mid-February."

"Okay."

"This is not okay."

"Rory...."

"Grandpa, this is not okay!"