A Forgotten Love

Chapter 5 part 1

The door to Cathrine's room closed.

"You haven't told her about your kids, yet? El come on. That's kind of crucial information."

"Look she's had a lot thrown at her in the past two days. She had a panic attack learning just about your mom stuff." Eleanor leaned against the wall. She felt she had aged a decade in the past few weeks.

"That's accurate. I can't imagine what you're going through. If Jack lost all his memories of our lives together, I'm not sure how I would handle the situation. El you do need to tell her though. I know my sister, at least who she is right now, who she was ten years ago, she won't like you keeping this from her."

"I know. I don't want to keep things from her, but I also don't want to overwhelm her either. All of this..." Eleanor looked up at the ceiling. "There's no procedure to deal with this situation. She is..."

"Different. She's reverted back to who she was ten years ago. The person that hasn't gone to therapy and worked on her issues. She's the person that suppresses her feelings and emotions to make sure everyone else is okay. Making this situation all that much harder."

Eleanor continued to look up at the ceiling as she responded, "I worry about sending her over the edge, and her not trusting me enough to talk with me about what she's feeling. I don't know how to move forward."

"My professional opinion? Tell her the whole truth. Then support her the best that you are able to, and get her therapist involved. Make sure she has the ability to be supported by those she knows and doesn't know. I'll be here to help as well. Most importantly, make sure you're taking care of yourself. And set the standard of how your relationship has been. If you don't share and stay closed off she'll do the same. Trust her in order to gain her trust." Jane looked down at her watch. "I'm running late. Sorry to have to leave you like this, but I have to go. Call me if you need anything."

Eleanor nodded and watched Jane leave. She continued to lean against the wall. The cat was out of the bag. Cathrine wasn't stupid; she would know, or at least ask questions, after that whole thing when Jane was leaving. It wasn't like Eleanor could avoid it, because Cathrine would just ask until she got the answer. She had to tell Cathrine about the kids.

She continued to stand in the hall and think about what Jane had said, and how she was going to tell Cathrine about the kids. Open honesty was what was needed. If Eleanor wanted her wife to trust her she in return had to confide in Cathrine. It was a two way street that at some point had been put under construction and both of them avoided it, but that had to stop. It started with telling Cathrine about the kids, and opening up a little about how this was affecting them.

Eleanor knew Cathrine had never wanted to be a mother. In large part due to how she was raised, and how her mother had treated her when she had come out. It was her biggest fear that she would ruin her children's lives by being exactly like her mother. It had taken four long years of hard work with a professional for Cathrine to finally come to terms with the idea of having children. Now to spring that they had four children on her, and her being in the mindset of who she was before the hard work, it was a mess. A mess that they would have to face together.

Eleanor pushed off against the wall. No time like the present to rip the bandaid off. She turned the handle and walked back into the room. Cathrine was sitting in the bed looking at her iPad. Of course she was. That would be the best source for her to find answers since Eleanor told her she journaled on it. Resourceful as always.

---------------------------------------------------------------- 

Author's note:

I know that I have been absent for a little while now, and I would like to apologize. By way of explanation I would like to tell you a little of what has been going on in my life. A few months ago I had a lot going on. I realized I was bisexual and liked someone I couldn't be with do to certain circumstances I won't go into detail about. Figuring all this out caused a lot of stress in my life and my mental health declined quite a bit, though in all fairness it wasn't always the best to begin with. All this was happening while being a full time student in university. Towards the end of spring semester and the start of summer semester (because I'm a nerd that goes to school during the summer) I decided that the decline of my mental health was getting quite serious and so sought the help of a professional. It's been hard work, and trying to do serious therapy while going to school during the summer doesn't leave a lot of room for writing. Plus, I really didn't want to write. I had very little motivation, and could hardly do my homework let alone something that was extracurricular. The months wore on and every session felt like I was being torn apart by the memories I was reliving and emotions I was going through. I thought I would stop, and there were times I seriously thought about ending my life. Going so far as to come up with different plans and who I would need to make amends with before I left this world. All through this trying time was my LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), and I told her everything about how I was feeling and what was going on in my head. It was extremely scary for me to open up about these things. I was always taught that emotional health problems weren't real and that I just needed to suck it up and deal with it. I was raised that way and it was even more prevalent in the career I chose after high school, which was the Marine Corps.  

So why am I telling you this even though it scares the shit out of me? Well if this author's note helps just one person then opening up about what I have been going through will be well worth it. It also explains why I haven't been on here lately. 

I would like to say to anyone that reads this, if you or a loved one are going through any mental health problems seek help. I hated therapist (including LCSW in that) because I had never had one that listened and pushed me. I would go to maybe four sessions before ghosting them. But now I can't imagine my life without my LCSW and meeting with her in weekly sessions. You just have to "shop" around until you find one that meshes with you. Find one that pushes you. It will be hard work, but despite the tears that I shed and problems that I have it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a pinprick and sometimes I lose sight of it, but it's more than what I've had most of my life. That pinprick, when I catch sight of it, gives me hope that with the proper help my life can be okay. If you are willing to put in the work so can yours.