So sorry for boring you with this. I never did like being a bother, but it seems like this time there's no avoiding it. I wish this letter found us under better circumstances, but life always has a different idea, no?
I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I could miss another human being. I kept trying to tell myself that it was for the best, that it was in our interests to do what we, what I, did. I swear I tried my damnedest to forget you, but as always, things did not go according to plan.
I see your face on the street. I see it in the faces of those I pass, I see it in pictures, and I see it in the eyes of others. Your visage haunts me, a nightmarish reminder of grave sins. A silent judge, never letting me forget the weight of my choice. A memorial to what we once had.
I don't blame you. I couldn't blame you if I tried, and believe me I even tried that route. I wish I could be selfish and let the wounds turn to scars and let the scars fade like a bad memory. Alas, it is not in my nature to do so. The blame is mine, and mine alone. It is my weakness that caused this, and it is my weakness that writes this letter.
Yes, this letter is an admission of defeat. My unconditional surrender, may it reach you through the ether. My admission that despite my best efforts and despite my best ideas, I could not dare to forget you. I cling to the memory of you like a child to its mother, desperate to latch on for fear of losing it.
A gaping wound lies in my heart where you used to be. A raw, seeping thing that ruins me from the inside. Every breath I take is of your scent, every blink brings your smile to my eyes, and every agonizing moment I continue to live I am reminded that you are out there, hopefully happier than I.
That's the only thought that keeps me going. The knowledge that though I may be suffering, you are out there enjoying a life free from me. You are so much better off without a pathetic existence like mine in your life. A parasite like me deserves no sympathy and dares not ask for it any longer. Pity is for the deserving, and I am woefully far from anything of the sort.
Yet, no matter how much I sever myself from others, no matter how much I hurt you, you remained. You persevered. You were there for me when I needed you most. You have saved my life on more than one occasion. So, pray tell, how did I repay you? How did I thank my savior?
Treachery. A dagger in the back to match the one in your heart, both placed by my hand. You were nothing but good to me, and I dared return your kindness with nothing but the worst in me. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve so much more.
I'll spare you any more of my incessant rambling. I hope this letter found you well, and I do sincerely hope that I didn't cause you too much trouble. In fact, I hope you read this and laugh at my misery. I deserve nothing less. I deserve nothing but your ire, nothing but your anger, and absolutely nothing but your utter hatred. You've done more for me than any sane person would, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
But all things must come to an end, and so I must leave you once more with my final parting words. You deserve so much better from a friend than I can give. I'm sorry.
-J
