One Life For Another

31

I nod, "I could but I couldn't think straight because I felt hurt and mad." "To be honest, I would do the same." "I know and I would react the same way as you reacted to me running away." "I was so scared, panicked and after all I became hopeless. I searched everywhere but you were nowhere to be found. The last hit came when Jayden came home with news that you were taken to the hospital. I thought you would die, but luckily you were just lacking sleep, food and drinks." "I am sorry, I just couldn't find the way back home." "It is okay, but I am scared because you could have died." "But I didn't so that is good right?" "That is really good." Then Jayden start to cough, clearly wanting some attention. I let go of Joël. I turn to Jayden and softly smile at him. "Thank you for finding out where I was. I was really scared that I would never see you, Joël and the others again." Jayden smile too, "Don't ever worry, I will find you where ever you may be." At some point this feels creepy, but then again I know he says this because he wants me to feel save. "Thank you again" I say while softly hugging him. He wraps his arms around me and soothingly rocks me from side to side. I lay my head against his chest and let him rock me. His so familiar smell finds its way into my nose and suddenly it takes me back to all the times I slept in his arms. I cough and close my eyes. All my memories with him come back up and I don't like it. Jayden tightens the hug, but I start to squirm to get out. He lets go after some time and I sink down to my knees. My heart starts to feel heavy as it fills with feeling that it is my fault that Jayden is in this situation. Tears burn behind my eyes as I hide my face behind my hands. It is my fault, it is all my fault. Its my fault that Jayden is hurt. It is my fault that he keeps attacking Joël. So it is automatically my fault that Joël gets hurt. The tears start to fall, making me shake. The tiles under my knees make a stinging pain go through my whole body. Then I feel a hand on my back, the person is softly drawing soothing circles on my back.

I cry for a short 10 minutes, having the person still drawing circles on my back. I rub my eyes and sit up. My eyes meet Lila's worried eyes. "Lilly, Joël is scared that he will lose you" she says. My eyes widen, "Why is he so scared?" "Because of the way you reacted to Jayden." I get up, "Where is he?" "He went to the back of the restaurant" Hailey says. I start to run, almost tripping over my own feet. My knees are bleeding from sitting on the street for so long, but I don't care. I need to get to Joël as quick as possible. I run around the corner and see Joël sitting there with his back against the wall. "Hey babe" I say with a soft voice. "Stop calling me babe for now, just call me by my name" He snickers. It suprise me, what is wrong with him. "Alright" I say, "Is something wrong?" "Yes" he raises his voice at me, "I know that you still love him and that you don't love me." "Pardon?" I say, "I love you way more and you know that." "You don't." "I do." "No you don't!" "Joël I do, I love you and I never want to lose you." "I don't believe you." "I am speaking the truth." "Ha find a way to prove it to me." He gets up and walks past me. His shoulder bumps into mine, making me shrink in in pain. "Be more careful around me when you show your love to Jayden" He says while looking over his shoulder. "I don't love him the way I love you." "I don't care and there is no longer anything between us. No relationship and no friendship." A sting goes through my heart as I hear him say that. Right now, when I need him the most he gives up on me. I want to scream, I want to hold him back but he is gone before I can even realize it. There I am, left behind, my heart broken again.

As the day went on Joël didn't say a word to me and left the house as soon as we got there. He told everyone that he would never ever come back and that he didn't want any of us to ever come search for him. My heart broke again and I bursted out in tears. But no one came to comfort me, they all walked away from me. I saw Jayden smirk but what the meaning behind that was is unknown.

I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in one of the pillows on the bed. It smells like Joël and that makes me miss him even more. I hope he won't do anything to hurt himself or anything that will get him in to jail. I am scared that he will end up with the wrong people again, scared that he might die or become a gang member, a criminal again. We basically were criminals when we were part of the gang. We killed people which made us murderders, we vandalized stuff too and that is also against the law. My head starts pounding when I think about my time as member of a gang. Will it haunt me forever or will it once be over? My brain is pulling all its memories back, hurting me all over. I turn again and pull my legs up to my chest. I stare at the ground while my thoughts are breaking me down...