Riding the Hurricane (Austin Carlile)

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Journal Entry: June 10th, 2014.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Those were the last worst I spoke to him. It’s weird to think about now, because we’ve both grown up so much and moved on. It’s only been a year and a half ago since those words were spoken, but it seems like an actual lifetime ago. I’m close to getting married to Gabe and I’m extremely happy with him. But there’s certain times where he comes back into my thoughts and right now, is one of those times. Especially since it was just announced today that we’re both going to be on Warped Tour together.  It feels like someone has stabbed me in the chest and left me there to bleed. I feel emotionally dead after hearing this news. I don’t want to face him, I don’t want to see him, I don’t want anything to do with him. Hopefully I can try and avoid him. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other in person and I don’t know how this is going to go.

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“Madelyn! Hurry up, we only have ten minutes before we have to leave for the meeting with Kevin!” I heard my brother, Levi say. He’s in my band as well. He’s the Bassist. “Coming!” I yelled back as I grabbed my purse off the end table near my bedroom door. I turned around to take one last look at my room, because everything was changing today and I knew that. But at least, my bedroom wouldn’t change while I was gone and I wanted to remember that familiar look.

After the meeting with Kevin Lyman, my band and I went to find bus 19 which we’d be sharing with two other bands since we couldn’t afford the bus by ourselves. We didn’t know who was going to be on the bus with us, since Kevin didn’t even know. When I boarded onto the bus, I found all the Ghost Town guys sitting there and the boys from State Champs. “Hi there, I’m Madelyn, but you can just call me Maddy.” I said as I offered my hand for the boys to shake. One by one, they all shook my hand. Then my band introduced themselves as well. “I’m Eric, I play Guitar.” “Levi, I play the Bass.” “I’m Aurora, I play the drums.”

“What bunks aren’t taken?” I asked softly, hoping that this wouldn’t be weird for them to have two girls on their bus. The lead singer of Ghost Town, Kevin, showed me to the back room. “You and Aurora can share. I figured that you guys should be the back room since you’re girls.” I gave him a death stare, “Excuse me? Because we’re girls? What does that mean? Trying to hide us away from the world??” I said, smirking with a slight smile. Kevin stared at me, “No, no. That’s not what I meant. I was just thinking you guys would want your privacy more than us Boys. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry. If you don’t want the backroom, then you guys can have the last four bunks.” He pointed towards where the bunks were and I began walking towards the bunks, putting my stuff into the top bunk. “Thanks for thinking of us, Kevin. But we’re woman, not babies. We don’t need to be protected or shielded.” I said, smiling softly. He has the most gorgeous eyes, but I couldn’t think about that, I couldn’t think about how cute he was. I’m with Gabe, I’m getting married to Gabe. Not to mention, all the bullshit that’ll come once I see him again.

Our first day of Warped is tomorrow and I haven’t left the bus since we got here. Everyone else went out to explore, where as I sat on the lounges couch and watched one of my favorite movies, Halloween. I heard the bus door open and when I looked over, it was a sight that I didn’t want to see. It was Austin Carlile walking towards me. It’s him. I got off the couch and stared at him. “What are you doing here, Austin?” I could feel the tears coming, they were coming fast. I tried hard not to show him, but it was getting harder and harder the more he was in my presence. “I asked you a question! Why are you here? How did you even find out where I am?” He still just stood there, staring. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t saying anything or why he was here. Finally he spoke after moments of silence, “I needed to see you… It’s been a year, can’t we just forget it? I want my best friend back in my life. Maddy, you were my best friend. It was very hard to lose you like I did.” I didn’t want to hear this, not now, not the day before we were embarking on our biggest tour yet. I pushed past him and walked off the bus, slamming the door hoping it’d slow him down and I could get away before having to have this conversation for real. I started running towards the catering building and trying to find Aurora to talk about this. But before I could, I felt Austin jerk my arm back and pull me around. “You can’t run away from this, Maddy. You can’t run away from me.” He yelled, I could see the veins in his neck popping out. I was pissing him off, I could see it. But I didn’t care, I didn’t want him around. “Yes I can. Because we’re not in each other’s lives. You’re not my best friend, my boyfriend or even my friend. You’re nothing to me, Austin. NOTHING. YOU fucked up, not me. Don’t put this on me and try and make me feel bad. I’m engaged to someone and I’m very happy, I’m not letting you ruin that. Now leave me be.”

I could see the sadness wash over his face and I instantly hated myself for saying that, it wasn’t true that he was nothing because he could never be nothing to me. But I couldn’t change it now, it had been said. I looked around to see all of Warped staring at me and Austin, I instantly ran away so I didn’t have to endure all the weird looks and staring anymore. I laid down on the large patch of grass that was right near the Catering building and put my hands over my eyes, I couldn’t believe that I was now going to be known as ‘that girl, the girl who had a very public fight with Austin before Warped even started’. I sighed loudly before hearing a small cough next to me. I felt like I jumped out of my skin, that’s how much they scared me. “Holy shit, you could’ve said Hi or something. Instead of scaring the shit out of me!” I said, staring at their face. They were very familiar, but I couldn’t pin point who they were. The boy laughed slightly and pulled his hand out, “I’m Vic. Vic Fuentes from Pierce The Veil. I saw what happened and wanted to check on you.” I stared at him skeptically, I couldn’t quite figure out his motive for doing this. I shook his hand anyways. “Hey, I’m Maddy Ryker. I’m in the band Breeding Hurricane. Why would you care what happened?” I said, staring at him intently. “Are you trying to get in my pants?” I asked jokingly.  He laughed even louder this time, “Of course not. I just know that had to be embarrassing and hard, all at the same time. Just wanted to introduce myself and let it be known if you need a helping hand, I’m around.” He said as he got off the ground and started to walk away, before he was completely away, he turned back around to me and said, “Hey, I’m in Bus 12 if you ever need anything.”