this boi is about me and my stupid ass :v

TT~TT

I legit wanna die....sucide attemp number 4 happened yesterday and i ain't happy....me and my family recently moved to a our new house...i lost all of my friends right then and there...i don't havd anything to talk to them since my abusive parents took every comunication i had with the outside world....it has been 8 MOnTHS WITHOUT A DAMN PHONE....I'VE BEEN TRYING MY FREAKING BEST

I HAVE  BEEN GIVEN THEM MY COMPLETE BEST SO THEY CAN FINALLY GIVE ME THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES FEEL A LITTLE LESS ALONE......

Y'all know i have mentally and physicly abusive parents....They have destroyed my mind with their bullsht...they hit...threaten me....but i don't know what to do....one of the reasons they took my phone was bc some of my friends were tellin that my parents were abusive...i didn't belive them at that time...but a week ago i accepted that they are...and oh boy..yesterday they completly  showed me that they are abusive...

so i was kinda excited about the new house bc it finally meant i was getting my own room!, finally my own space...a place that i could be free and myself...BUT NOPE...my father and mother love to have people over to our house (wich btw i don't like bc most of those people are mean MOSTLY TO ME AND OH THEY ARE NORMALLY FROM MY FATHERS SIDE OF THE FAMILY OR FRIENDS OF his)  and they broke my little hope by saying "yeah maybe u aren't getting a room, you are too much of a messy pig to have one, will leave the room for guesst" (translated to english sounds less harsh but in spanish it be big hurt to me) I SWEAR THIS DAMN WHOLE WEEK I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SHOW MY PARENTS THAT THE MESS ISN'T MINE!!!...TT~TT And i cleaned...and cleaned...OH AND GUESS WHO HAS BACK PROBLEMS NOW?????????...ME! YES I FREAKING 13 YEAR OLD WITH BACK PROBLEMS ALREADY, I've being trying so damn hard...i clean, and clean "Hey mom i'm done with everything u told me to do is thhere anything else i can do?" i will always say and she will always so yes, and i'll do what she says.

But yesterday...I was cleaning my room the BEST i could...everything looked good till...my mom saw a stain on the carpet......and then i saw it...one of my water colors had fallen from the shelve i keep them...my mother looked so angry...she started screaming at me "WHY WHERE YOU PAINTING IN THE ROOM WHEN I TOLD U NOT TO?" but i never painted in the room...i always went to the living room...never in the room....but she kepted screaming that till i told her i didn't paint in the room she stoped and then..1..2..3....4...5 times she hit me...3 in the arm then 2 in the cheecks.....i wanted to cry....but as soon as the tears were felling up my eyes my mother screamed at me telling me to not cry...that it wont help me cleaning the lies and mess i've done......

i started cleaning the carpet....

with all the chemicals i could  handle...and my allergis too...i slowly started to sing, just to calm myself...singing always makes me feel better...singing a song to myself like i had someone telling me everything wiil be fine...but then my dad entered them room "what did she do know" asked my father to my mother..."The first thing i told her not to do, she says she didn't do it,but the carpet says otherwise" my mother responded...looking at me with anger "my father then hit me when i tried to tell him that the paint had just fell as an accident "You think i'm going to belive u instead of your mother? after all you only know is excusses and lies, now clean that up" and he started to leave the room when he said "oh yeah, btw you are NEVER getting your own room" ...my parents went out of the house...i could only hear that thing coming again, i was alone, and with my last hope...gone

I started to clean with such anger....and thoughts that i shouldn't have....Like hurting my own father...i wished to make him suffer...to see him crying for mercy and forgiveness...but i will never give him such thing...bc i would be fine if he died...then my sis entered the room...and i started to cry...letting it all out with my sis...she said that it was fine for me to cry, surse my parents, but that is shouldn't dare to kill myself...or hurt myself...(i did tried to kill myself but it was soon time to sleep so it failed).

i really don't what i can do tbh....I WANT TO RUN, HIDE...or...just END it all....but i don't know what to do...i don't have anyone ....all of my family thinks that my parents are normal and good for doing this all to me....but they are only monsters wearing nice masks....slowly killing their own daughter,...by destroying her mental health...slowly driving her insane..."IT's the devil!" they say when i talk about deppresion and anxiety or self harm...when they found out i had cut myself my mom said i was a complete idiot and that what i was doing was from the devil....

agh they always shame me with their..."loving" and "caring for everyone" religion...they think they are such good christianes....and they wonder why their dauther isn't christiane...well maybe bc u guys have hurt my thought of it? maybe bc i see it as another thing they ruined for me, forcing me to be perfect...

i just want to end myself