You Don't Have to Try

Life Lessons

Chloe couldn't fight back the sobs that escaped her throat as she used the heel of her palm to wipe away the tears. They didn't stop, they continued to rush down her flushed face. No one else was in the girls' locker room. She made sure of that by locking the door behind her.

No one was allowed to see her like this. Not Sabrina, not her father, not even the beloved Adrikens. It showed weakness and she couldn't afford that. They couldn't see her looking like this and they couldn't hear what she felt.

Chloe felt her throat was closing as she struggled to gasp for breath. Icy blue eyes met icy blue eyes in the mirror, and the blonde couldn't deny what she saw. Past her ruined mascara and bloodshot eyes, she saw tiredness she felt only she would ever understand.

She woke up every day regretting waking up when her feet hit the cold ground. She woke up and didn't feel like putting up with herself anymore. Chloe was struggling to pull herself together when she combed knots out of her hair and to put on her normal blue eye shadow with quivering hands.

Why did she have to be such a horrible person? It was one of the very many questions that ran through the blonde's head when she pressed her face against the cool glass of her window every morning.

Chloe was self-aware of everything she did. Every little thing that caused Alya's eyebrows together, every eye roll she earned from Marinette, the snide remarks from Alix, the chuckling of Ivan. But worst of all the pain she saw that flashed through Sabrina's eyes every day.

Sabrina was the only one that was there for her. And yet Chloe continued to treat her like trash. It wasn't like she wanted to, she knew it was wrong on every level. But she didn't know how to fix it.

Chloe's mom was never around to teach her life lessons like "never start a fight but when they throw the first punch, hit them three times as hard," or "you don't need their opinions, everyone has them, just not everyone's is valid," or even "treat others the way you want to be treated."

Heck her mom was never around to teach her simple things like why she felt cramps from her stomach and why she was bleeding down there. She had to ask Mrs. Agreste what was happening in the midst of her confusion in fear.

This cold air that surrounded her stung her exposed skin. Shivers wrecked her spine as her fingers roughly gripped her pony tail.

She never had "girl talk" about boys or "the talk" when she hooked up with them. Chloe lacked a motherly figure, someone who could be her friend but also a teacher.

"I'm becoming my mother." Chloe choked out, another cry ripping through her throat. She was pushing everyone away, she was becoming an emotionless void to the people who learned to never depend on her.

She just wanted it to all be over. She wasn't sure how much longer she could hide behind her fit of anger when what she actually wanted to do is cry her heart out.

This mask she created hurt her more than anyone else. But Chloe didn't know how to solve her problems. And there was no one she could turn to confront her feelings with.

A pathetic wail left her lips, she was no longer fighting against it. She allowed this grief, this self-pity, loneliness, and pain consume her. It finally broke the dam wall and hit her at all force.

No one will ever understand. No one will ever care to look if the meanest girl in school is okay. They'll never know that everything they say hurts me. And I have to be okay with it.

Chloe almost wanted someone to know. Someone to hear her silent, but desperate calls. She wanted someone to look her in the eyes and ask her what's wrong, and not breaking her gaze until she finally let it out.