Dear Anonymous,

I Cant Say..

Dear Anonymous,
        I'm writing to tell you that i can't say that I am happy or sad in this world but a mixture of both emotions though, very few moments that are happy appear in my life. I can't say that I go day to day wanting to live but I've found a passion to live for, maybe. I walk around like a zombie most of the time paying priorities only when I have to.

          I'm writing to you to explain that I have emotions that in sense to me feel so buried away that I have convinced myself that i feel empty with no emotion. I feel like I have no feelings but yet I display them so I have come to a point where I am confused.

           Somehow I display affection for others and none for myself, I hate myself but love others. I've heard several times "you can't love someone if you don't love yourself" by pastors and strangers. But yet I disagree how can a person feel like giving so much for other people, sacrificing things they do for others and hate themselves and still told that they can not love another person? I argue it because I feel like making the world a better place even if it destroys me because I care, but yet I'm told by several I cannot love nor care.

        Well anonymous I'm afraid those people are wrong. A feeling is a feeling and cannot be determined by another person other than the ones feeling it themselves. I hate that sentence but that's today's generation, confusion and ignorance. The meanest cruelest person in the world can say they hate people but deep down there's a sentimental spot somewhere, deep down where it's in the present or past they have cared or still do, it's called being on guard from others so people wouldn't expect that they could show sentiment.

               I believe personally those who say they hate keep this wall up blocking others out to high the pain they bared or to hide from today's society that has become so much crueler because nobody properly demonstrates the word love. Anonymous I've become on of those people to put up a barrier because of society in my past I've seen and still witness the cruelty of strangers, Christians, politicians, teachers, and coworkers that don't have the ability to properly show love because their too caught up in their own belief and thought they don't accept others believing something different or doing something different.

      I have become aggressive to others so they would just know to pass on by because I am not taking any degradation from another being that will not respect another being. Now Anonymous I don't mean aggressive as in to attack on sight verbally or physically I mean to show that I can be strong and I will stand my ground. I am one of those that have locked their feelings away for so long again and again that I've become confused with each feeling and what it is, Ive in my sense to me I hardly express emotion ((others disagree and I've taken that into consideration)) and I wallow in my own depression while building those I've come to care about or barely even know up.

          I've come to the sense that I build my life up only to wreck it with thought that betray me and break down me emotionally until I build a wall to block myself off even from my own emotions. I've come to hate going anywhere but love it at the same time, I come to hate society for its inability to care about one another and live society because everyone has a talent and a dream they can grow to express.

              Anonymous I've become a mess to myself and everyone else that I don't there is a possibility of me ever getting better but only to keep crashing down. I've come to accept society for what it is and to hide my emotions from it so no one can destroy me more than I already am destroyed. It's a eternal whole and unlike Alice I didn't fall into a hole to another realm but and eternal hole.