You'll Never Get To Heaven (if you're scared of getting high)

To be hailed a hero and branded a fool

Crowley tried to stand still without drifting or circling too much as Aziraphale handed him down additions to the growing stack of books in his arms. "I don't even know what we are doing back here."

"Research, dear. On demon spouses."

"I'm not sure Dagon has marriage in mind. Besides, you know I could just go straight to the source? I've got Osmedai and Lilith's numbers in my phone contacts."

"I don't think we should involve Hell any more than we have already."

"Why not? They'll think it's hysterical."

"That's exactly my point. I'm not exposing Sandalphon to any more ridicule than is strictly necessary. He is still part of my team and a fellow angel, whatever you may think of him."

"Sodom really was pleasant in the winter," Crowley muttered, and Aziraphale sighed, his air of self-righteousness fading a bit. "What's this one? Демон. My Russian is a bit rusty, but that's clear enough." He set the pile of books down and sat in an armchair, opening a slim volume bristling with bookmarks.

A fallen angel once was winging

over a sinful Earth his way

And memory was ever bringing

the vision of a happier day

Telling an unforgotten story

How once in realms of light and glory

A seraph pure and bright he shone[^1]

"Huh."

"Perhaps not that one, my dearest," Aziraphale said gently, climbing down and taking the book from him, before returning to the stepladder and replacing it on the shelf.

"Didn't like shining much anyway," he muttered. "Terrible aesthetic. Like fairy lights."

"You were beautiful then and you are more beautiful now, and that is a silly poem and won't help us. Here, hold these." Aziraphale passed over a heap of paperbacks, and Crowley accepted them meekly, feeling like steam was coming out of his ears.

He tried to distract himself by reading the titles of the lurid volumes.

"Demons in my Marriage Bed; Total Deliverance from Spirit Wives and Husbands: Sex Demons of the Night; Total Deliverance from Spirit Husband and Spirit Wife, Incubus and Succubus Demons: Incubus Demons and All Sex Demons of the Night; Be Free From Spirit Spouses; Deliverance from Incubus & Succubus: Sex Demons of the Night. Ah, there seems to be a theme here." He bit his lip. "Either you are even more determined not to marry me than I thought, or I'm going to have to pop down to Temptations and start strangling some incubi with their own bloody... ah, tails."

"You know I collect unusual religious texts."

"For spicy reading at night, it seems. Anyway, I think this is exactly the wrong theme. Shouldn't we be looking for books encouraging sex with demons? I think that's what you should be collecting anyway. I could help you start a collection." He leered, but the effect was a bit wasted as Aziraphale had his back turned.

"I thought it might be useful to learn some of Sandalphon's defences to demonic seduction beforehand so we can develop some strategies to get around them," Aziraphale said serenely.

"Aziraphale, that is one of the least angelic things I've ever heard you say," Crowley breathed, nearly overcome. To prevent himself from flinging himself at Aziraphale and risking a nasty tumble, and aware that his chances of a nicer tumble were currently quite low, he returned his attention to the books.